Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Bills having trouble finding new coach

BUFFALO, NY – With the recent firing of head coach Dick Jauron, the Buffalo Bills immediately began searching for a replacement coach. Believing this to be the last head coach he would hire, 92 year-old owner Ralph Wilson wanted to make the right choice.

“I am going to do everything within my power to get the right coach and bring a championship to Buffalo,” said Wilson at a press conference. “Unfortunately, every coach we’ve contacted is currently out to lunch and has yet to return our calls.”

Sources throughout the league have named Mike Shannahan, Bill Cowher, and Jon Gruden as coaches already contacted by the Bills.

“We have indeed contacted some big name coaches to fill the position,” said Bills C.O.O. Russ Brandon. “We’re still waiting to hear back. Mike [Shannahan] has been at lunch for about 140 hours. Of course if I were retired I’d take long lunches too.”

Roof Monkeys called Coach Shannahan yesterday for comment. He picked up on the first ring and had this to say, “Oh yeah, basically my phone is real messed up. I can get calls and stuff, but I can’t make them. So I can’t call them back, they just have to call and hope I’m around. If you can tell them that, I’d really appreciate it.”

Buffalo has not made the playoffs in over decade. After an exciting off-season including the signing of volatile WR Terrell Owens, the Bills have earned a 3-7 record, leading to the firing of coach Dick Jauron.

As of press time, the Bills are still awaiting friend confirmation from Mike Holmgren and are holding talks about poking him.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

NFL Week 6 Picks

We know, we know. You’ve been waiting all week for our picks so you can call your bookie. Well don’t you worry, they are here. Just like the gas company, we like to keep you waiting to the very last minute. So without further ado, here are the Roof Monkey’s picks for week 6 of this NFL season. (Home teams in CAPS)

CINCINNATI BENGALS –5.5 Houston Texans

In order to avoid a blackout, Motorola purchased over 1,500 tickets to this Sunday’s game. They’ve enlisted Chad Ochocinco to help hand them out. This may be the first time a pedestrian actually keeps the piece of paper handed to them by the Black Mexican on the corner.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Cincinnati Bengals

WASHINGTON REDSKINS – 6.5 Kansas City Chiefs

Let’s face it, the Redskins suck. They’re probably better than the Chiefs, but that doesn’t say much. Last week they handed the woeful Panthers their first win of the season and they get to face another hopeless team this week. Look for them to follow in Obama’s bailout footsteps and hand the pathetic Chiefs a meaningless win.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Boring

PITTSBURGH STEELERS – 14 Cleveland Browns

In hopes of building off of last week’s ugly victory against the Bills, the Browns come into Pittsburgh with more confidence than ever. After completing just two passes last week, starting quarterback Derek Anderson hopes to up his completions to match Ben Roethlisberger’s pending sexual harassment lawsuits.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Pittsburgh Steelers

MINNESOTA VIKINGS – 3 Baltimore Ravens

Brett Favre turned 40 this weekend. Is there any better way to celebrate your birthday by playing the game you love while 2 old white men suck your dick from a booth 500ft away? I guess making them gargle “He’s just having fun out there” is a nice touch.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Birthday Boy


It’s funny. Not only do the UFL’s Florida Tuskers have as many televised games as the Jaguars (zero). They also have the same amount of NFL caliber players (zero). I doubt the refs even show up for this one.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: St. Louis Limbaughs

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS – 3 New York Giants

This game all comes down to the quarterbacks. Can Drew Brees handle the Giants impress blitz? And can Eli Manning overcome the temptation of tranny hookers on Bourbon Street? We weren’t aware this was a problem until we spoke to Jeremy Shockey, who assured us that his former quarterback was a “total fucking faggot.”

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: New Orleans Saints

Carolina Panthers – 3 TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

Raheem Morris has two choices. Either make his mark in the win column, or make his mark in the history books be being the first black head coach to lose every game.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Carolina Panthers

GREEN BAY PACKERS – 14 Detroit Lions

Still reeling from a tough loss to former Green Bay demigod Brett Favre, Packer’s fans and players are grateful for their schedule. They’ll be sure to take full advantage of this bye week and rest up physically and emotionally.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Green Bay Packers

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES - 14 Oakland Raiders

This is going to be a rough one for Oakland. Owner Al Davis will spend the entire afternoon wondering how two brothers can play the same position and look so much a like but still perform so differently on the field.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Andy Reid’s BBQ

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS - 3 Arizona Cardinals

Arizona’s locker hasn’t been able to focus all week after an awkward encounter between stud WR Larry Fitzgerald and backup QB Matt Leinart. Mistaking Fitzgerald for a woman, Leinart aggressively approached him from behind in the shower in hopes of crossing “Ebony Princess” off of his sexual bucket list.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Fitzgerald getting tested for STDs

NEW YORK JETS – 9.5 Buffalo Bills

After last week’s loss against the Dolphins, Jets coach Rex Ryan said that his defense made Chad Henne look like Dan Marino. To avoid any comparisons to Jim Kelly, Rex Ryan visited the home of Trent Edwards and proceed to swallow his Chocolate Lab in one bite.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Indigestion and a call from PETA

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS - 9.5 Tennessee Titans

This week we see the return of LB Junior Seau. In hopes of getting some extra help on defense, the Patriots asked Seau to bring some Tijuana Gold Tequilla to throw Lendalle White and Kerry Collins off the wagon again.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: 12 more steps

ATLANTA FALCONS - 3 Chicago Bears

Hoping to avoid another situation like when he commented on Denver fans, QB Jay Cutler remained silent when asked about TO trade rumors. Rather than saying “no comment” he simply receded into his neck folds and held out until the reporters left him alone.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Hotlanta

SAN DIEGO – 4.5 Denver Broncos

After beating mentor Bill Belichick last weekend, 33 year-old head coach Josh McDaniel’s confidence is at an all time high. So high in fact, that he’s going to be calling his teams offensive plays this week … all by himself!!

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Orton’s beardlike facial hair

Friday, October 9, 2009

Week 5 Picks

It's gambling time! We are a quarter of the way through the regular season, and you know what that means! There's only 12 weeks left to build on your already massive gambling debt that will eventually destroy your life! Here's the picks and as always the home teams are in CAPS.

New England Patriots -3.5 DENVER BRONCOS
With so much on the line for Bill Belichick has gone to new lengths to protect his quarterback and beat his old protégé. He found out that according to the new rules, a penalty will be assessed if a member of Broncos hits Tom Brady’s knee, knee brace, oxygen machine, clown shoe, paparazzi, or tampon string. Since Brady brings all that and a small dog, he should be seeing yellow all day.

Roof Monkeys Pick: New England

BALTIMORE RAVENS -8.5 Cincinnati Bengals
Stabbings, drug deals, carjackings, fires ... and that’s just the players parking long. These AFC North rivals (why not?) are fighting for division supremacy and showertime anal virginity. Expect some tears and tear tattoos in the Ravens locker room. Cincinnati rolls.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Cincinnati

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS -2.5 Atlanta Falcons
Michael Crabtree has signed. He totally worked the 49ers. Not only did they not cave in to his demands, but he alienated his coach and teammates. Luckily they’re 0-4 and in desperate need of a playmaker. Oh wait, Crabtree’s just a whiny little bitch. Congrats 49ers, enjoy Braylon Edwards II.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Atlanta

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS -.5 Jacksonville Jaguars
Word is Matt Hasselbeck is set to return this week. Luckily the Roof Monkeys’ pick is already locked with this spread. You bet you’re ass we’ll be part of the 13th man this weekend. Oh, if you’re wondering they had to make the fans the 13th man to make room for Mike Holmgren.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Seattle

ARIZONA CARDINALS - 5.5 Houston Texans
The threat of another possible blackout looms over the Cardinals organization coming into Sunday’s game. I guess making the Super Bowl wasn’t enough. Of course, if they do get blacked out, the network will probably make more money off of advertising during Matlock. Although, that might distract Kurt Warner

Roof Monkeys Pick: Arizona

Indianapolis Colts - 3.5 TENNESSEE TITANS
Let’s be honest people, we all expected Peyton Manning to do well. What we didn’t expect, was a team with a alcoholic quarterback, no WRs known outside the locker room, a RB who lost weight by not drinking Petron, and no run defense to be 0-4. I mean, where did that come from.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Indianapolis

New York Jets - 1.5 MIAMI DOLPHINS
Rex Ryan recently said that he regretted talking trash with Miami LB Channing Crowder in the preseason. He said it was a complete misunderstanding. He wasn’t talking trash to Channing Crowder, he thought they said Clam Chowder. When he believed that Clam Chowder would say such hurtful things, after all the love he’s given it, well he just didn’t know what to do.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Miami

BUFFALO BILLS –6.5 Cleveland Browns
The Browns secured their first victory of the season when they were able to trade Braylon Edwards to the Jets for someone not named Braylon Edwards. Despite a successful week 4 against the Bengals, Browns fans are hoping WR Mohamed Massquoi can fill Edwards role of dropping every ball and punching out friends of LeBron James.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Buffalo Bills

Pittsburgh Steelers -10.5 DETROIT LIONS
Detroit has had a rough week that featured the Tigers losing Game 163 to the Twins and starting QB Matthew Stafford injuring his knee against the Bears. Things will only get worse as Roof Monkey Economists anticipate the city of Detroit's high unemployment rate to increase after QB Ben Roethlisberger gets half the wait staff at Sizzler fired for carding an underaged woman at his table.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Pittsburgh Steelers

Dallas Cowboys - 8.5 KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
The debate brewing in Dallas has been whether QB Tony Romo should tone down his gunslinging style of play and attempt to only manage the game. The debate brewing in Kansas City has been whether QB Matt Cassell should tone down his horrific style of play and attempt to only not lose every fucking game he starts.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Dallas Cowboys

Minnesota Vikings –10.5 ST. LOUIS RAMS
The big news in St. Louis was conservative radio show host Rush Limbaugh making a pitch to buy the Rams. In an attempt to gain support, Limbaugh is planning to leave painkillers from his personal stash in Brett Favre's locker in hopes the Rams will pull the upset if the gunslinger is reacquainted with an old friend.

Roof Monkeys Pick: St. Louis Rams

NEW YORK GIANTS -16.5 Oakland Raiders
If Eli Manning is shelved with his heel injury we could see the "Shitty #1 Overall Draft Pick QB Bowl" starring JaMarcus Russell and David Carr. Who will toss more picks? Who will overthrow more receivers? To pick the less shitty of these two shitty QBs we turned to the wise man Sean Combs who said "Mo Money Mo Problems". Sorry JaMarcus your shittiness is amplified by your shitty contract.

Roof Monkeys Pick: New York Giants

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES -13.5 Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Eagles have plenty of talent under center with Donny McNabb returning from injury this week. The only positive we could find about Bucs starting QB Josh Johnson is that he's Marshawn Lynch's cousin. No word on if Beast Mode is hereditary, so we'll stick with the Eagles.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Philadelphia Eagles

CAROLINA PANTHERS -3.5 Washington Redskins
Instead of acknowledging this terrible game is actually taking place we would rather handicap the WNBA Finals. We like the Phoenix Mercury over the Indiana umm Pacerettes? due to the Mercury having more lesbians. And not the hot lesbians, the kind that are really good at guy stuff, like basketball.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Phoenix Mercury

Thursday, October 8, 2009

MLB Owners approve sale of Cubs to debilitating disease

CHICAGO - All 32 Major League Baseball owners chose to approve the sale of the Chicago Cubs from the Tribune Co. to the bone-afflicting disorder Rickets.

“It’s only natural that the Cubs be sold to a disorder that brings so little to hope to those

afflicted,” said MLB Commissioner Bud Selig.

Best known for the longest championship drought in sports history (which now stands at 101 years), the

Cubs are still a financially successful franchise.

Wrigley Field consistently sells out games every summer, and millions of fans flock to root on the “lovable losers.”

“I think it’s really fitting that Rickets bought the Cubs,” said lifelong fan Fred McGee. “Not having the strength to shoulder any pressure really epitomizes this team.”

Rickets is a disease that weakens the bones due to lack of vitamins, usually cause by famine or starvation. And with the trophy case in its current state, it’s really a wonder that the Cubs are standing at all.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Week 4 Picks

While everyone else was in church Sunday morning we were meticulously going over our Week 4 picks. While we're burning in eternal damnation enjoy this invaluable gambling advice. Home teams are in caps.

Oakland Raiders +8.5 HOUSTON TEXANS
Here's a way to make Raiders games semi-watchable, guess which week JaMarcus Russell's QB rating, completion percentage, or body fat percentage breaks 40.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Houston Texans and body fat

The key number for this match up is 3. The Titans at 0-3 have already amassed as many losses this year as they had all of last season. The Jaguars are expecting a franchise record high 3 fans at their next game after Jack Del Rio guilt tripped his family into "finally seeing where Daddy works".

Roof Monkeys Pick: Jacksonville Jaguars

Baltimore Ravens +1.5 NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
The Ravens prepared for this matchup by dismantling former Patriots coordinator Eric Mangini's Cleveland Browns last week. Unfortunately for Baltimore, Bill Belichick only taught Mangini how to be an insufferable prick and nothing about football.

Roof Monkeys Pick: New England Patriots

Cincinnati Bengals -6 CLEVELAND BROWNS
In the most puzzling personnel move since Michael Brown was named FEMA, the Browns penciled Derek Anderson in as starting QB despite tossing 3 picks last week. Luckily Cleveland is already a shithole so it won't be as big of a deal when Anderson screws up.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Cincinnati Bengals

The Chiefs offseason consisted of bringing in GM Scott Pioli, LB Mike Vrabel and spending $63M on QB Matt Cassel. The Giants offseason consisted of Plaxico Burress getting arrested on a firearm offense. The lesson learned is the key to running a successful franchise is having your star player go to prison for shooting himself in the leg.

Roof Monkeys Pick: New York Giants

Detroit Lions +10 CHICAGO BEARS
Coming off their first win in 20 games, the city of Detroit is riding high. Detroit looks to capitalize on Chicago's failure to secure the Olympics by putting a bid in for the 2020 games. Expect the bid to include a proposal for new events including the 100m abandoned car hurdles, a panhandling marathon, and 4x400m hobo relay.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Detroit Lions

Tampa Bay Buccaneers +7.5 WASHINGTON REDSKINS
In this week's Who Gives A Shit Bowl, the winless Buccaneers travel to our nation's capital to meet the only team to lose to the Lions in nearly two years. We'll go with the Buccaneers because their mascot is less racist.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Seattle Seahawks +10 INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
You don't need to look any further than the QB matchup in this game. Seahawks QB Seneca Wallace has 24 career touchdown passes. Colts QB Peyton Manning has 24 shitty commercials on television right now. Parlay the Colts with the over on how many times you are forced to watch his Oreo commercials.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Indianapolis Colts

Everyone is excited for the new look New York Jets, rookie QB Matt Sanchez has led the Jets to an impressive 3-0 start. We are more excited for the possibility of head coach Rex Ryan growing a mustache so we can recycle all of our Mike Holmgren jokes.

Roof Monkeys Pick: New York Jets

Picking a starting QB out of Chad Henne, Pat White, and Tyler Thigpen is like picking what to eat at an Old Country Buffet. If their season goes anything like our last trip to OCB, Dolphins fans should prepare themselves for a season of vomiting, diarrhea, and stomach cramps.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Buffalo Bills

St. Louis Rams +9.5 SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
The 49ers were one miracle throw away from pulling a major upset in Minnesota last week. The Rams were 10 players away from us being able to name their starting offense. We could never forget Steven Jackson, he's still on the team right?

Roof Monkeys Pick: San Francisco 49ers

Dallas Cowboys -3 DENVER BRONCOS
Bronco fans expected a downgrade in QB play when Kyle Orton replaced Jay Cutler. However, Orton has less interceptions, a higher QB rating, and doesn't make you want to punch him in the face as much.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Denver Broncos

San Diego Chargers +6.5 PITTSBURGH STEELERS
The Steelers are in unfamiliar territory at 1-2 and third place in the AFC North. Chargers fans traveling to Pittsburgh will be in unfamiliar territory when they realize their are no women under 200 lbs. We don't think the Chargers are into "goin' hoggin'" so they should be distraction free.

Roof Monkeys Pick: San Diego Chargers

Green Bay Packers +4 MINNESOTA VIKINGS
Every television set in Wisconsin will be tuned to Monday Night Football to see Brett Favre's first game against his former team. Network executives expect the state's highest television ratings since the infamous "nipple slip" episode of The Biggest Loser.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Minnesota Vikings

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Week 3 Picks

With the economy struggling, Roof Monkeys is pitching in to help out. How you ask? By providing invaluable gambling advice! Here are our picks for Week 3 NFL action. Home teams are in caps.

NEW YORK JETS -2.5 Tennessee Titans
It’s the classic tale of age versus beauty, convenient store six pack versus six pack abs, grey hair with a pale complexion versus dark hair with a Mexican complexion, keep an eye on your liquor cabinet versus keep an eye on your daughter, etc … Titans come out of their funk and defeat an anemic (yet still efficient) Jets offensive attack.

Roof Monkeys pick: Tennessee

HOUSTON TEXANS -3.5 Jacksonville Jaguars
Oh my god. Seriously? Is this really a game? David Garrard may be more focused since he lost his Reading Rainbow hosting duties, but the rest of his team still sucks. Look for the fattest fans in football to rally their team to victory.

Roof Monkeys pick: Houston

PHILIADELPHIA EAGLES -9.5 Kansas City Chiefs
Despite QB Donovan McNabb's injury, the Eagles should have no trouble having their way with the lowly Chiefs. We recommend parlaying the cover with Mike Vick's pit bull Daisy over Chiefs' mascot KC Wolf in the postgame dogfight.

Roof Monkeys pick: Philadelphia

BALTIMORE RAVENS -13.5 Cleveland Browns
An offense in Baltimore that isn’t criminal? We must still be feeling the PCP we bought off of Ray Lewis. No? It’s true? That’s right folks, the Ravens are putting points on the board and opponents in the dirt. Forget points, the Browns need a miracle to do something worthwhile.

Roof Monkeys pick: Baltimore

The Giants are clearly talented enough to run away with this one, the question is can they stay focused? If Giants' Head Coach Tom Coughlin can limit the retirement community tours and banging 65 year old talent while in Florida, the G-Men should be all right.

Roof Monkeys pick: New York

Washington Redskins - 6.5 DETROIT LIONS
A trip to Detroit, where opponents walk out with a guaranteed win almost every time, is like a vacation for NFL teams. A vacation featuring bombed out buildings, skyhigh crime rates, and very reasonable crack prices.

Roof Monkeys pick: Washington

Green Bay Packers -6.5 ST. LOUIS RAMS
Combine Green Bay's disappointing Week 2 loss to the Bengals with the futile play of the Rams and you're going to need a lot of Budweiser or Miller Lite to watch this game. We like St. Louis, because Miller Lite tastes like piss.

Roof Monkeys pick: St. Louis

MINNESOTA VIKINGS -7 San Francisco 49ers
Adrian Peterson's 2008 base salary was $370,000. Stop being such a bitch Michael Crabtree, the Niners' $20 million offer can buy you plenty of Cleveland Steamers and Hot Carls in San Francisco.

Roof Monkeys pick: Minnesota

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS -4.5 Atlanta Falcons
The once dominant Patriots have struggled in 2009. QB Tom Brady is at the forefront of those struggles, with a dismal 76.8 quarterback rating, only 2 touchdowns, and 0 children born out of wedlock this season.

Roof Monkeys pick: Atlanta

Chicago Bears -2.5 SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
With QB Matt Hasselbeck sitting at home due to injury, Seattle should expect a lot more losses. With LB Brian Urlacher sitting at home due to injury, Chicago should expect a lot more paternity lawsuits.

Roof Monkeys pick: Chicago

New Orleans Saints -6 BUFFALO BILLS
Brees' college days at Purdue will have him comfortable playing in Buffalo where the ugly weather is only matched by the ugly women. Look for Saints' QB Drew Brees to have another big game.

Roof Monkeys pick: New Orleans

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS -5.5 Miami Dolphins
Bragging rights are on the line for this match up. Can San Diego retain it's title as America's Drug Smuggling Capital? We surveyed 100 drug mules and the consensus was the Chargers.

Roof Monkeys pick: San Diego

Pittsburgh Steelers -3.5 CINCINNATI BENGALS
The upset minded Bengals have a good chance of ending their futility against their division rivals. The key to the upset win will be keeping players off the injury report and the police blotter.

Roof Monkeys pick: Cincinnati

OAKLAND RAIDERS -1.5 Denver Broncos
Due to the crackdown on waterboarding, the CIA has been forcing prisoners to watch AFC West games as a new interrogation tactic. Look for a Denver cover and an Al-Qaeda plot to be exposed this Sunday.

Roof Monkeys pick: Denver

ARIZONA CARDINALS -2.5 Indianapolis Colts
Expect QB Kurt Warner to build on his impressive Week 2 outing where he completed 24 of 26 passes. Backup QB Matt Leinart had an equally impressive week where he did not contract any new STDs from 14 of 16 girls he nailed.

Roof Monkeys pick: Arizona

DALLAS COWBOYS -8.5 Carolina Panthers
Due to the terrible QB play of both starters, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell issued a new scoring system for this game. Interceptions are worth 6 points, fumbles are worth 3, and alienating yourself from your teammates due to your horrific play is worth 10.

Roof Monkeys pick: Dallas

Monday, September 14, 2009

NFL Power Rankings 2010

Once again, almost in time for the start of the season, the Roof Monkey's sports desk has compiled its rankings for the NFL season. Returning champions Pittsburgh took the top spot, while returning complete and utter failures Detroit again come in last.

1. Steelers
– QB Ben Rothelisberger will have to keep focused as he battles sexual assault allegations off the field. If the plaintiff is like most Steelers fans she will be willing to drop charges for a sixer of Iron City Beer and pair of mildly used elastic waist jeans.

2. Patriots – The patriots high octane offense was dealt a blow when new england traded away their 2008 starting QB Matt Cassel. Their fate now rests on 6th round draft pick Tom Brady who had only 7 completions for 76 yards last season.
3. Giants – While Eli may be getting richer with each snap, his favorite target’s butthole will get looser with each shower.

4. Eagles – So Eagles fans have booed Santa and given Mike Vick a standing ovation. That makes about as much sense as Andy Reid modeling for PETA’s “Go Vegetarian” campaign.

5. Chargers – If the moon landing was indeed fake, there’s a good chance they filmed it on the surface of Norv Turners face.

6. Colts – The new look Colts should continue their dominance as they have retained key personnel in consultant positions. Tom Moore will provide advice on offense and Marvin Harrison will perform mock executions to maintain team discipline.

7. Titans – With two recovering alcoholics at the top of the QB depth chart in Kerry Collins and Vince Young, look for head coach Jeff Fisher to utilize 12 step drops in the pocket.

8. Falcons – QB Matt Ryan had a rough offseason as he found out the hard way why RB Michael Turner is nicknamed the Burner. Ryan will miss the first 3 games with Chlamydia.

9. Vikings – The Vikings have the talent to succeed but do they have the team chemistry? Team morale was tested when head coach Brad Childress showed up to practice in Wrangler Jeans and a Favre Jersey and insisted that they always have done the diving catches into mud puddles drill.

10. Ravens – Second year quarterback Joe Flacco is poised to have a breakout season. Flacco spent the offseason strengthening his unibrow, which should increase accuracy by keeping sweat out of his eyes.

11. Bears – Jay Cutler’s arrival signifies Chicago’s most talented quarterback since Jim McMahon and Chicago’s most douchey egomaniac since Kanye West. It has yet to be determined if Cutler likes fish sticks.

12. Packers – After another stellar season, Packer fans will reluctantly begin to rally around QB Aaron Rodgers much like their slow acceptance of light beer, assault rifle restrictions, and reduced fat brats.

13. Cardinals – If Arizona wants to return to the Super Bowl cutting back on penalties will be crucial. The Cardinals led the league in "too many men in the huddle" penalties due to QB Kurt Warner's insistence on bringing Jesus into the huddle.

14. Panthers – Powered by the tandem backfield of Deangelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart, Panther fans are excited to see which round of the playoffs Jake Delhomme decides to flush their Super Bowl hopes down the crapper.

15. Seahawks – With Mike Holmgren out of the picture, Matt Hasselback can go back to throwing footballs to receivers rather than throwing raw Pike to Holgren for lunch.

16. Dolphins – If Ricky Williams gets high enough before the game, he may think Landshark Stadium is hosting some sort of VH1 awards show.

17. Cowboys – While the media has been abuzz about the gigantic high definition scoreboard in the new billion-dollar Dallas Stadium, one drawback is the board's inability to replay Dallas playoff wins from after 1996.

18. Saints – New Orleans playoff hopes rest on Reggie Bush’s injured knee which sources close to the team say Bush reinjured in an accident involving two obese coeds and an inebriated farm animal at QB Drew Brees’ alma mater Purdue.

19. Texans – With a high octane offense expect the Texans to battle with the Indianapolis Indianans and the Tennessee Tennesseans for the division title.

20. Redskins – Albert Haynesworth has a lot to live up to. People in DC are getting awfully tired of new black men coming to town only to disappoint.

21. Bills – When T.O. came to town the Bills welcomed him by giving him the key to the city. Probably the most useless key other than one to the liquor cabinet in the Mormon Tabernacle.

22. 49ers – Off-season headlines have been dominated by Michael Crabtree's hold out for a bigger contract. The smart move would be to sign for less and cash in on a sexual harassment lawsuit the next time coach Mike Singletary drops his pants in the locker room

23. Jets – The transition to the NFL will be tough for rookie Mark Sanchez. He’ll have to adjust to more complex blitz packages, a new offensive playbook, and not being able to play home games on a field mowed by his father.

24. Bengals – Cincinnati’s offensive line was dealt a blow when rookie RT Andre Smith was sidelined with a broken foot. Smith’s recovery is ahead of schedule as he was already walking on crutches at a Cincinnati’s only 5-star restaurant, Old Country Buffet.

25. Maurice Jones-Drew’s team – We couldn’t name any other players on this team, or were positive they had any fans. Outside of fantasy football purposes is there a reason to have a team in Jacksonville?

26. Buccaneers – The Bucs surprised critics by hiring one of the youngest coaches in NFL history in 33 year old Rahiem Morris. Sources indicate that Tampa strongly considered Doogie Howser, Hannah Montana, and the big headed kid from Jerry Maguire.

27. Broncos – Denver's season hinges on WR Brandon Marshall's ability to translate his skill of beating women off the field to beating cornerbacks on the field.

28. Browns – Winner: QB Brady Quinn – Quinn won the opportunity to be Cleveland’s starting quarterback over teammate Derek Anderson
Loser: C Alex Mack – Mack won the opportunity to have Brady Quinn’s hands near his junk all season.

29. Chiefs – Newly hired head coach Todd Haley is hoping to catch lightening in a bottle as he did as the offensive coordinator of Arizona's super bowl run. All that's missing is a pro bowl quarterback, two pro bowl receivers, an offensive line, a nice stadium, a front office that wants to win, basically everything.

30. Raiders – Still drunk from the previous night’s Tales from the Crypt reunion, Raiders owner Al Davis demanded to draft the fastest receiver available. Unfortunately, the guy turned out to be terrible at football.

31. Rams – Rumor has it that a London based group of investors is looking to buy the Rams and move them across the pond after the 2014 season. Now London can boast shitty food, shitty weather, and shitty football.

32. Lions – Did you know that rookie QB Matthew Stafford’s $72 million contract could buy 13 million vials of crack, fuel for 8 million barrel fires, and 56 million Ted Nugent albums? Good thing Detroit doesn’t have the Internet or else their 8 fans may be looking for handouts.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Obama’s Vacation approval rating plummets to 25%

MARTHA’S VINYARD, MA - Reports that President Obama’s approval rating had been dropping because of his health care plan, were not exaggerated. This past Thursday, the rating took another hit as he claimed, “Anymore ice cream and you girls are going to get a tummy ache.”

First children, Sasha and Malia Obama, were outraged at the Presidents invasion into the health of the private sector. “If I want to eat ice cream and get a tummy ache, that’s my business and not the government’s,” said a cranky Sasha Obama. “I don’t care how close it is to my bedtime.”

President Obama was not afraid to fire back. “It’s not a question of abusing authority, or getting my way,” said the President. “It’s my social and moral responsibility to make sure everybody get sound medical aide and advice.”

The incident made it clear as to why the two Obama children disapproved of the job their father was doing. However, the other negative vote, presumably Michelle Obama, was a bit more mysterious.

“I’m not saying he’s doing a bad job on this vacation,” said the First Lady. “I mean its relaxing. But let’s just say he’s pulling out a little early.”

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Nationals Eliminated from Little League World Series

OMAHA, NE - Following a 7-2 loss Saturday night to Chula Vista, California, the Washington Nationals were been eliminated from the Little League World Series.

“It’s just a shame. These kids worked so hard,” said Nationals’ manager Jim Riggleman. “But I think they realize how privileged they were just to get this far.”

Before the tournament started the Nationals were considered a huge long shot. In the eastern regional’s they beat out an injury riddled Toms River team with a series of wacky plays and blind faith.

During the semi-finals it took a check swing by Christian Guzman in the bottom of the 6th inning to put away Georgia. But no matter how bleak it seemed, they always came to play.

“Those kids really made us proud out there,” said Loretta Zimmerman, mother of Ryan Zimmerman, and one of six parents have made the journey to Omaha. “We may not be the biggest crowd, but we try to be the loudest … and we're definitely the drunkest.”

So while they may not live the dream of playing for the championship game, they feel like they’ve already one.

“Just making it this far is something I’ll never forget,” said left fielder Adam Dunn, who led the series in both home runs and strikeouts. “I mean, realistically, most of will probably never make varsity. So this was our Super Bowl.”

Thursday, August 27, 2009

George W. Bush Announces Memoirs

CRAWFORD, TX - At a press conference held on his back patio, former President George W. Bush announced that his personal memoirs would be released within a year. This comes just days after former Vice President Dick Cheney stated his memoirs were set to be released. Of course what caught the attention of the former president wasn't the release, but rather the supposed contents of Cheney's papers. It is reported that Cheney badmouths the former President, saying that he "went soft." Obviously hurt by these allegations, Bush acted quickly in responding to these jabs. "I got about as soft as his big fat butt. Heh Heh. Oh wait"

During his announcement the former President Bush made it clear that he was not going to hold back, and would tell his story no matter who got hurt. "A lot of people aren't going to be happy when they get a look at this," said the ex-President. "I plan on depicting people how they really were ... not how they presented themselves to the American people." The former President then chugged a beer, belched, and attempted to break wind when he suddenly ran inside the house.

When the Bush returned, in a bathrobe, he added that he no longer feared "timeout" or "international war." He even went on to state that

he'd never felt this free in years. "Hell, when I was President somebody was always tellin me what to do. Approve this, veto that. Bomb them, kill him. Blah blah blah blah. But now, I can do what I want and say what I want. Did you know that Colin Powel has a tiny penis? And that Cheney can see better at night?"

In an interesting move, Bush has chosen to depict his time as President in a coloring book format. "I was never good with words and I feel as though pictures offer the full range of emotions," said the former President. "Also, I really like coloring."

Bush assured the media that his memoirs, entitled "Cowboy White House: The Legend of the Lonestar Kid and the Old Scary Butt Ass" would be available to the public quite soon as he has more important things to worry about.

"I'm working really hard to finish it up. After that I'm going to focus entirely on finding the island on LOST," said the President. "Don't worry. We'll bring you heros home ... and Desmond."

Monday, August 24, 2009

College Football Preview

The end of August signifies many things such as....... OK we can't think of anything besides the start of college football season. Here at RoofMonkeys, our crack staff of sports reporters have compiled a list of what you need to know for this upcoming season of collegiate pigskin.

-In a coaching change, Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis named his left and right breasts offensive and defensive coordinators. Discouraged by the snub, Charlie Weis' FUPA signs with Fox Sports as a college football analyst.

-West Virginia announced the signing of National Honors Society member Dat Sun Chen. Chen will play reading back and will translate the playbook for illiterate running back Noel Devine. Head Coach Bill Stewart announced that the signing of Chen raised the team GPA to a school record 0.4.

-The BCS competition committee voted to change the post season format. A computer program will be designed to randomly choose which BCS team will be national champion. Another computer program will be designed to kick a representative from the Mountain West Conference in the nuts.

-Hall of Fame Head Coach Lou Holtz will not return to ESPN as a college football analyst. Holtz proved ineffective as an analyst due to insistence that the forward pass was an illegal play. Holtz also regularly referred to cheerleaders as hussies and took naps during the 2nd and 3rd quarters.

-Amidst criticism that the level of competition in the Big Ten Conference was below average, Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delany announced the addition of an eleventh team Gallaudet University. Gallaudet, a renowned school for the deaf, boasts an impeccable road record which is attributed to their silent snap counts.
(Editor's note: There are now twelve, not eleven, teams in the Big Ten. RoofMonkeys was unaware that Indiana had a football team due to decades of obscurity and terribleness.)

-The Florida Gators received a record 58 of 60 first place votes in the Associated Press Preseason Poll. The two dissenting voters were Jay Mariotti who voted for his alma mater, Douchebag University, and Skip Bayless who voted for himself.

-UPDATE: Moments before this article was supposed to be released, sources indicated that West Virginia Freshman Dat Sun Chen was arrested at a strip club on allegations of public intoxication, battery, and illegal possession of a firearm. RB Noel Devine was unable to comment on the situation because no one had read him the news.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Dr. Obama Is In!

Many American’s are up in arms about the current Health Care Reform Bill. While much of this is attributed to idiots like Glenn Beck claiming that helping poor people is un-American (“I was born white, why did he choose not to be”), there are also some controversial policies tucked away in the 1,000+ page report. Roof Monkeys took on the arduous task of reading every last word to find out what has really gotten these people riled up:

- Mandatory dental appointments for all Hillbilly’s, Red Necks, mouth-breathers, inbreds, yokels, country folk, NASCAR fans, and the state of Alabama

- Affirmative Action now applies to doctor’s waiting room

- To save money, hospital gowns will now end at the belly button

- “Free health care for all” actually just 30-day risk-free trial

- Only applies to lower 48 states

- Preexisting conditions now include constipation and hunger

- PhDs will be now serve as surgeons and physicians

- Coverage excludes any Nacho Cheese-related injury

-   No “Death Panels” but there is a Death Panel of One, and it ain’t Jesus. Here’s a hint: He wear’s a turban.


Friday, August 14, 2009

Pitino Scandal Not A First For Coaches

Rick Pitino's extramarital affair with Karen Sypher has brought unwanted publicity upon the University of Louisville. This wasn't the first time a coach has raised headlines and caused headaches for their employers. Roof Monkeys takes a look back at some of the most memorable news worthy moments from head coaches.

-Mistaking them for buffet items, Rick Majerus eats three small children at the St. Louis University basketball team's awards banquet.

-Joe Paterno is caught in the middle of a paternity lawsuit when Roberta McCain, mother of Senator John McClain, claims that Paterno is the true father of her son.

-University of Washington Football Coach Rick Neuheisel foolishly picks 16 seed South Carolina State to upset 1 seed Oklahoma in a 2003 NCCA Basketball Bracket Challenge. Neuheisel is subsequently fired for being terrible at gambling and gambling.

-Bill Belichick is caught taping the season finale of “I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here”

-Pat Summit causes controversy by signing a cross dressing male player to the University of Tennessee's Lady Volunteers basketball team. The player would eventually make it to the WNBA and be the basis for the Academy Award winning documentary, Juwana Mann.

-Bricklayer's Coach Dean Cain of MTV's Rock 'N' Jock Basketball is outcoached by the Violator's Bill Bellamy as Cain opts for a 2-3 zone defense despite the Violator's outside shooting prowess. Marky Mark makes the Bricklayers pay by scoring 33 points in a Violator's victory. Cain is not asked backed as coach the following year and is casted over by some random guy in Superman Returns.

-Golden State Warriors coach PJ Carlissimo irresponsibly puts his neck between Forward Latrell Sprewell's hands resulting in the team losing their star player for the rest of the season.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Hillary Clinton to Negotiate Return of Elian Gonzalez to U.S.

WASHINGTON, DC – In the wake of her husband's negotiated return of two captured American journalists from North Korea, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she would be travelling to Cuba to facilitate the return of former Cuban refugee Elian Gonzalez to the United States. As a child, Gonzalez was the center of a highly publicized international custody battle between family members in the United States and Cuba.

Gonzalez, 15, stated that he has not reached out to Secretary Clinton or has any interest in returning to the United States.

“I am very happy here living with my father in Cuba,” Gonzalez said. “I don't know why the scary pantsuited lady called my father, but my dad said we might be able to meet Bill Clinton which would be muy bueno!”

Many are quesitoning Sec. Clinton's motives for the negotiation. US Weekly reported that a source in Sec. Clinton's inner circle said “This is totally pay back for Bill picking up those two Chinese chicks last week!” Sources also indicated that Sec. Clinton plans on deleting Mr. Clinton's TIVO season passes and flirting with the black guy at work.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Ortiz implicates Theo Epstein in Red Sox steroid scandal

BOSTON, MA – Blame continues to get tossed around after it was revealed that teammates David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez tested positive for PEDs in 2003. David Ortiz recently pointed his finger at the man who hired him, Theo Epstein.

            “I should have seen it coming,” said an angry Ortiz. “Why else would he want to me to eat so many hot dogs prepared by his ‘personal chef.’”

            Ortiz alleges that after being waived by the Twins, Epstein approached him with interest in signing him to the Red Sox.

            “He basically just walked around me a couple of times, saying things like, ‘That frame should hold some muscle,’ and ‘You’re just fat enough to look natural.’ I thought he was just being nice.”

            Ortiz admits that he’s at fault for not realizing it sooner, and not being able to control himself, “I mean these hotdogs were juicy, and huge.”

When he asked why they were so plump, Epstein responded, “They’re just pumped full of love. Love that will make you better and stronger.”

Epstein refused to comment on the allegations stating that he didn’t have the time and we didn’t have the money.

Vick requests to work for PETA's dog-killing department

VIRGINIA – After being informed of his conditional reinstatement to the NFL, Mike Vick said he’d still like to do volunteer work during his free time. Specifically, he would like to work with his main detractor, PETA.

“I am trying very hard to repair my image, and that starts in the community,” said Vick. “I was told that PETA euthanizes thousands of dogs each year so they don’t starve to death … and well, I’m pretty good at killing dogs.”

Since his release from jail, Vick has been worked construction, mentored at a boys and girls club, and is currently helping after school at a local high school. “This is my chance to help the ones that I hurt,” sai

d a remorseful Vick. “You know, by killing them.” After a long pause he added, “So they don’t starve on the streets.”

Our attempts to reach PETA founder Ingrid Newkirk were unsuccessful as she is on her honeymoon with her second husband, Joey, a 6-year-old Cocker Spaniel she met at an anti-fur rally.

Whether or not Vick is able to work with PETA, this initiative is definitely a step in the right direction. More efforts like this, and not being signed by the Cowboys, should help him restore his image as a regular thug, rather than a dog-murdering thug.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Terrell Owens - You just got Punk'd

BUFFALO, NY – Joy turned to sadness in a matter of seconds as the Buffalo Bills’ signing of high-profile receiver Terrell Owens was revealed to be the season premiere of MTV’s Punk’d. Bills nation was sent into frenzy this past weekend when it was announced their team had landed the free agent, finally giving them a hope for the playoffs and a sign the team really wanted to compete.

However, all of that excitement came to a screeching halt during Owens’ introductory press conference. Just as Terrell was about to answer a question on how his addition will help the Bills offense, he was joined on stage by Punk’d host Ashton Kutcher, appropriately wearing a trucker hat with the slogan “Buffalo? Really?” Kutcher proceeded to bear hug Owens’ from behind exclaiming, “We’re taking you back to Dallas right now!”

            Upon seeing it was Kutcher, a relieved Owens said, “I can’t believe you got me. I actually thought I was going to have to play for the Buffalo Bills.” Silence filled the room as members of the Buffalo press, front office, and fan base stood shocked.

            “I’ve wanted to Punk Terrell for a long time,” said an exuberant Kutcher. “The fact that we also got to Punk the entire city of Buffalo and all the Bills’ fans just made it that much better.”

            The two celebrities were then joined on stage by Cowboy’s owner Jerry Jones and Owens’ agent Drew Rosenhaus, who were both “in on it from the start.”

            Terrell Owens will return to Dallas and rejoin the team this Saturday, and the Bills will return to being hopeless immediately.


Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Obama gives up hope for Lent

In order to honor the time Jesus Christ spent in the desert resisting temptation, and prove he's not a Muslim, President Obama has announced he will give up hope for lent. 

America is all too familiar with Obama's relationship with hope. It seems as though every
 time things looked dark in his life, he would use hope as a crutch to keep him on his feet. Obama himself admits to relying a little too much on hope. 

"Anybody who followed my campaign knows that hope is, and always has been a part of my life," said the President. "But not for the next 40 days. I'm givin it up. I just found out the word for hope in Spanish also means wait. Man that was depressing to find out."

President Obama continued to lament his dependence on hope, "Plus I feel kind of bad. I think I got America addicted to the stuff too."

It certainly seems as though America has been breathing in secondhand hope. Obama won by a landslide in the November election and has been the talk of the earth ever since. And the most common answer when voters were asked why they voted for Obama ... "He's the candidate who gives us the most hope for tomorrow."

Whether or not President Obama, and America, can get over their reliance on hope is yet to be seen. We can only hope so.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Baseball faces steroids giant sized head on

Steroids are once again at the forefront of baseball media coverage. With the leaked information of Alex Rodriquez being one of 104 major league players who tested positive in 2003, baseball is in a state of chaos. Out of all this mess, the biggest fear on everybody’s mind is, “Who else did steroids?” To get some answers we interviewed current and former players to ask them about the issue.

Albert Pujols, St. Louis Cardinals: “Nah man. I never touched the stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I thought about it. I know guys who did and I saw results. Plus I’m in St. Louis. There’s not much else to do. Have you seen the women? This place might as well be called ‘Warmer Cleveland.’”

Manny Ramirez, Free Agent: “Last time I checked. Having another man put something in your butt is gay. I’m not gay. Last time I checked.”

Jeff Kent, Retired: “I blame the blacks. Oh and Abe Lincoln, that fuckin’ coward!”

Alfonso Soriano, Chicago Cub: “¿Que? ¿Donde compro los esteroides? ¿Sabes?”

Rafael Palmero, Limp-dicked liar: “Remember when Juan Gonzalez and I were awesome?      No? Are you sure?  …..   yeah, nobody ever does.”

David Wells, Retired: “Who gives a shit?!?! It’s fuckin baseball. People think I was hungover when I pitched my perfect game. Wrong! I was wasted. Before I took the mound I had about 3 BoomerWangs. It’s my signature cocktail. Basically just horse tranquilizers, stripper sweat, and maybe a buffalo wing or two.”


Curt Schilling, Asshole: We’re just kidding we didn’t interview him, nobody actually gives a shit what he thinks.

Monday, February 23, 2009

A-Rod: "I cheated ... on my SATs, taxes, my boyfriend...."

"I did it," said a regretful Alex Rodriguez at a press conference last Saturday. "I took PEDs from 2001-2003, and for that I am sorry."

“After I signed my contract with a Texas I was under intense pressure to perform at a high level. I was so used to having no expectations in Seattle, that I didn’t see any other choice,” conceded Rodriquez. “Luckily I don’t face any of that same pressure here in New York.”

“I can’t say enough, how sorry and embarrassed I am. I apologize to my fans, the organization, and my family,” said Rodriguez while tearing. “Most of all, I’d like to apologize to my teammates.

“Derek, you’ve really been supportive through everything. I want to say I’m sorry for masturbating in your duffle bag. And Giambi, I have to admit, I was the one who shaved your moustache. It was no coincidence my new pubes were the same color.”

"While we're at it, I'm also sorry for wearing a shit ton of make-up to this interview, voting for Bush, keeping Madonna relevant, voting for Bush again, and for attempting to fellate Joe Torre on a number of occasions.”

Monday, February 9, 2009

Mike Holgren Still Talking about Sandwiches

During last Sunday's Superbowl Pregame show, NBC analyst Mike Holmgren began talking about sandwiches and has continued for over a week. The rant started during a feature piece on Gatorade showers for winning coaches. Describing the feeling, Holmgren appeared on topic, but quickly strayed.

"Man is it sticky! But it's a good sticky," said Holmgren. "Like when you make a gargantuan sandwich and as you're holding it, just game-planning on how to tackle the beast, the mustard mixes with the oil and starts running down your hands."

Holmgren continued on to describe the stickiness of mayonnaise in his moustache and how he loves running a comb through it and then licking the comb. Bob Costa appeared nervous when his attempts to bring the former NFL Coach out of his trance proved futile.

"At first we really didn't know what to do," said Costa. "Dan Patrick (who was within arms reach) looked scared for his life. The producers were baffled. But then he started salivating too much for coherent speech, so we were able to continue with the coverage."

As the film crews packed up Holmgren appeared to be mumbling while miming the act of eating a sandwich.

"There was a five hour period on Wednesday when he was just naming things that can be put on sandwich," said Emilio Gonzalez, a janitor at Raymond James stadium. "My English isn't the best, but I'm pretty sure he was naming dog breeds at one point."

Though it remains unknown as to when Holmgren will stop talking. It's a sure thing that he will need to go into hibernation soon if he wants to survive the harsh winter of the American Northwest.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Bush Refusing to Vacate Treehouse

As Barack Obama begins to make the White House his home, there's still one piece of the old regime that's refusing to leave ... the former president. According to White House sources, former President George W. Bush has apparently taken up full-time residence in a treehouse on the North Lawn.

"We kind of knew he was still around because of all the candy bar wrappers, so we followed the trail straight to the big oak tree," said a Secret Service Agent. "Then sure enough, there he was."

As his time as President wound down, Mr. Bush began spending more and more time in his secret clubhouse. At one point he tried to hold a cabinet meeting up there, leading to Vice President Cheney falling through the poorly built "deck." The resulting injuries left the VP wheelchair bound.

Whether or not Laura knows of, or cares about, the situation is still unknown, but we were able to reach the former President via Dixie cup last weekend. "Technically my treehouse is not on White House 'grounds' so I'm not too worried," said President Bush. "In fact, I may not even be part of the United States. I'm going to have to look into that..." The former President then trailed off and was heard looking for his "adding machine." Minutes later he crashed through the floor of the tree house and plummeted to the ground, hitting his head on the wooden ladder as he went down.

Seconds later, he was back in the tree, emerging after a few minutes to display his new sign "No Obama Allowed." What the current President will do about his houseguest remains to be seen.

Monday, February 2, 2009

GroundhogGate: Punxsutawney Phil Accused of Pay to Play Corruption

Punxsutawney Phil, the beloved groundhog who millions of Americans look to for their annual winter forecast, is at the center of a massive federal corruption case. The case accuses Phil of engaging in pay to play tactics by selling his annual winter prediction to the highest bidder. Federal agents arrested Phil during an early morning raid on his den just moments after he made his latest prediction. Federal authorities have charged Phil with multiple counts of corruption, three counts of felony firearm possession, and one count of felony possession of narcotics with intent to distribute.

It remains unknown how long this alleged practice has been going on for, however the case names Snuggie, Inc. as the buyer of this year’s extended winter prediction. Snuggie, Inc. would stand to benefit greatly from a longer winter season through increased sales of their “as seen on TV” Snuggie Thermal Blanket. Another notable alleged pay to play incident occurred in 2002 when Old Navy paid Phil an estimated $3.1 million for a shorter winter so that they could roll out their spring line of coolats sooner. Federal agents, whose primary objective was to arrest Phil on corruption charges, were surprised to find multiple unregistered firearms and large quantities of crack cocaine packed for distribution stockpiled in his den. Pat Fitzgerald, the case’s lead prosecutor, stated, “While Mr. Phil’s corruption charges were our initial focus, we intend to prosecute him on the gun and drug charges to the fullest extent of the law.”

Phil refused to talk to the media as he was being led in handcuffs to the police car. However, his attorney maintained his client’s innocence stating, “My client, Punxsutawney Phil, has done nothing wrong. Furthermore, he’s still the acting groundhog and still has the right to all powers of office.” One notable power of office is the right for Phil to name his successor. Sources are already speculating at potential replacements if the Pennsylvania State Senate votes to impeach Phil. According to one insider, the current frontrunners are Punxsutawney Pete, Punxsutawney Paul, and Caroline Kennedy.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Controversial Photograph Reveals Pothead Winning Multiple Gold Medals

A photograph published by the Associated Press shows what appears to be marijuana enthusiast Michael “Phour Twenty” Phelps winning eight Gold Medals at the 2008 Summer Olympics. Phelps has admitted to the gold medal use in a recent interview hoping to squash further rumors that may tarnish his street cred among fellow stoners.

“My bad, dudes.” Phelps stated, fighting back tears. “The last thing I wanted to do was to bum out all my buddies and be a major buzzkill.” “In a way I’m glad this photo came out because I think I had hit rock bottom and needed help.” Phelps admitted that this was not the first time he had been awarded gold medals. “Back in 2004, I was up to six gold medals per Olympics. I was only smoking 3 times a day and hadn’t downloaded a Phish live show in I can’t remember how long.” Friends also noticed Phelps displaying some bizarre behavior. Stephen “SmokeDawwwwg” Stanslowski stated “Me and the bros thought something was up when Phour Twenty was only downing 12,000 calories a day. Dude usually eats that much at IHOP after wake n’ bake.”

The future may be rough for Phelps. In addition to his “chill dude” status being in jeopardy, he stands to lose endorsements. Local Seven-Eleven employee, Carl “Party Carl” Thorpe, is rethinking his exclusive 50% off Taquitos and Swisher Sweets deal with Phelps. “He was such a cool dude, I had no problem hooking him up with the ‘Quitos and blunts. Now, I just don’t know bro, he’s all about this swimming stuff and it’s just a total bummer.” Phelps recognizes the damage this photograph has done and pledges to repair his identity. “No more pools for me.” Phelps promised, “The only time I’m going to be near water is when I’m refilling my bong.” Phelps is not swearing off sports completely, he has tentatively agreed to represent Team USA in the hackey sack and frisbee golf portions of the 2010 High Times Summer Games.

Chihuahua’s Lopez Irate Over Oscar Snub

The announcement of the Oscar nominations are a time of joy for some of Hollywood’s finest, however they are a time of disappointment for others. Just ask Beverly Hills Chihuahua’s George Lopez. Lopez was dejected to find his role of Papi in Beverly Hills Chihuahua not nominated for Best Supporting Actor. “It’s complete fucking bullshit” the Disney movie star stated. “I mean, what kind of fucking morons do they got up there doing the nominating?”

Critics agree that the 81st Academy Awards features one of the most deserving slate of nominees for the Actor in a Supporting Role award in many years. Lopez disagrees finding fault in each of the nominees. “Basically what you have to do is put on some make up or go gay.” [Editor’s note: A majority of Mr. Lopez’s comments on this subject were deemed too offensive to print.] “I played a god damned chihuahua, do you know how hard it was to get into character?” Lopez retorted. Lopez, a known method actor, spent a year and a half preparing for his role as Papi. “I was on a steady diet of Alpo and table scraps, and slept in a dog carrier for 18 months. There’s only five different flavors of Alpo and do you know how fucking small those dog crates are?” When asked for his thoughts on Beverly Hills Chihuahua’s snub in the Animated Feature Film category, Lopez said, “To be honest, I was more pissed off that we got left off for Best Picture, BHC was so much more than an animated film it was a journey of self-discovery for a group of chihuahuas who had to overcome their inner demons to achieve their dreams, but fuck Wall-E and Kung Fu Panda.”

Lopez is determined not to let this year’s disappointment affect his future plans. “I have a lot of projects in the works right now. I want to do some art house films because it seems like that's what those douche monkeys at the Academy like to see. But I’m not going to let them dictate what I end up doing.” IMDB.com lists Mr. Lopez in two upcoming 2009 movies, The George Lopez Show: The Movie, and Big Mamma’s House 3: Grande Mamacita’s Casa.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Mascot's selfish behavior tarnishes AFC Championship celebration

As the final seconds ticked off the clock of Pittsburgh's 23-14 victory over Baltimore, the Steelers took the field to celebrate their latest AFC Championship. However, there was one notable absentee from the post-game festivities, team mascot Steely McBeam. After the Steelers had all but secured victory in the final quarter, McBeam was seen on the sidelines arguing with Pittsburgh's Public Relations Manager, Burt Lauten. The lengthy and heated exchange ended when McBeam stormed off the field with over a minute left on the game clock.

The argument is believed to have stemmed from the lack of playing time McBeam received during the AFC Championship Game. McBeam was scratched from his starting role of the Halftime Kiss Cam host in favor of Disney Channel's Raven Symone. McBeam's latest display of childish behavior should come as no surprise given his rocky history with the franchise. In March 2008, McBeam replaced all of the Terrible Towels in the Heinz Field giftshops with Steely McBobbleheads resulting in a 2 Kiss Cam suspension. His 2007 domestic battery trial involving on again/off again girlfriend Amy Winehouse forced him to miss the last four games of the regular season. Perhaps his most controversial moment was in 2006 when McBeam claimed to have embraced Islam changing his name to Steely Mouhammed Rabiq Al Jazeer and refusing to acknowledge the American flag during the National Anthem.

Given McBeam's track record it would be no surprise to see the Steelers part with his services in the upcoming offseason. League sources say the Steelers have inquired about upcoming Chicago free agent Da Bear. Pittsburgh could also be looking to build through the draft. ESPN's Mel Kiper projects Pittsburgh picking Ohio State's Brutus Buckeye in his latest Mock Draft.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Barry Bonds seeks more surgery

After announcing he would undergo hip surgery in order to ready himself for a return to baseball, Barry Bonds stated he would go a step further.

"I will have my personality surgically repaired," said Bonds after a meeting with famed Dr. James Andrews. "Specifically, [Dr. Andrews] will locate and remove the asshole portion of my behavior."

Throughout his career Bonds has been considered an errant prick to both members of the media and of his fan club. Last year, even though his services were available, not one major league team contacted the home run king. Although Bond's will turn 45 this July, he still put up stellar numbers in recent years. This, of course, is because of the massive amounts of steroids he did, allegedly.

In addition to the asterisk tattooed on his face, metaphorically, his off field demeanor has distracted teams and fans from seeing his on-field accomplishments. In the past he has consistently called the media unfair. Deriding everything from their treatment of his father to their coverage of his defiling of sports more coveted record.

Baseball and medical experts are unsure of how this will end up. While he may no longer have an asshole, he will, most likely, remain a huge ass. Still, surgery appears to be the only option, if Barry still believes he can play, and destroy the integrity of our national pastime, at a high level.

Blagojevich's hairpiece to testify

As Illinois Senator Rod Blagojevich continues to promote his innocence on the talk-show circuit, a close friend has taken the stand to testify for the prosecution. That friend of course, is his hairpiece. Long thought to simply be a Serbian misinterpretation of popular style, the hairpiece in question seems to have fallen out of favor with his longtime confidant and vehicle.

This rift between head and hair could spell trouble for Blagojevich as he faces corruption charges after allegedly attempting to sell the senate seat left vacant by Barack Obama. It is believed that the hairpiece was with the senator throughout the entire scandal and was privy to some crucial information. Up until now, the two were seen as inseparable (aside from rumored sleeping arrangements) and thought to be an intimidating one-two political punch. However, money got the best of Blagojevich as he recently sold the rug out from under his friend’s feet, giving his head-warming and fashion duties to a wealthy Arabian raccoon.

Now, as the senator’s trial gets underway, his former hairpiece has decided to go on record with all he knows, even if it means jail time as an accomplice. As the toupee takes main stage, many hope the senator’s lies will be exposed, and in turn expose him as the bald asshole everybody knows he is.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

America forces another black man to swear on the bible!

Today the United States of America elected its first African American President. And the world got its first black leader that matters (Sorry Mandela). Over 2 million people came out to D.C. to cheer on Barack Obama as he was sworn in as the 44th President.

Obama delivered an honest and inspirational speech, highlighting his goals and emphasizing the great challenges ahead. While doing so, he placed the onus on us, the American people, saying it is our responsibility to bring the change we so desperately crave. That's not what I signed up for. "Yes He Can! Yes He Can!"

So now we have a new President, a new beacon of freedom and hope. America is saved! The world is saved!

Before we get too crazy, lets relax. He hasn't actually done anything. We've been excited before only to be let down. Let us not forget the Ryan Leafs, Len Bias's, and Crystal Pepsi's of the past. Only time will tell how successful Barack Obama can be. So let's just wait and see how he uses his playing time.