Monday, November 24, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
First of all, congratulations on becoming president. We have been rooting for you here in Kenya throughout the race. As Obama is a common name here, I thought it was merely a coincidence that I shared it with you. However, the other day a reporter from FOX News showed up at my hut and gave me some exciting news. Apparently, we are long lost brothers. He gave me documents and family photos that I never knew existed. I understand that we are worlds apart from each other. I currently live in a hut near the edge of a cliff. I wear banana peels as shoes and poop in a trash bag that doubles as my pillow. I do not want you to think that I am asking for a hand out, but life is tough here. My only job option is survival and it is very demanding. I am paid roughly $0.79 a day, but only if I agree not to use the pages in my bible as kindling so that I give my family clean water.
Long story short, get me the fuck out of here. Your nephew Fliface would really like to meet his cousins and use a toilet. I realize you have more pressing issues at hand, but I imagine some time must be devoted to humanitarian efforts throughout the world. Well, maybe I can help organize my community, just like you. But I would require an actual house. Please help a brother, your brother, out.
Hun Grey Obama
P.S. I owe you a few noogies. Just kidding. Please help me.
I'd like to congratulate you on beating me out for President of the country we both love so much. You showed a lot of grit on the campaign trail and I salute you. It's not everyday that a black, junior senator, with no executive or military experience, is chosen to lead the most powerful country in the world. Congratulations my friend. As you know, I have lived my life with one purpose, serving the country I love. People have said that in recent times I've become a different man, less of a maverick, well that's just not true. I'm so maverick that I stopped being a maverick and conformed to the right. But had I won I would have erupted maverick all over everybody's face. However, I did not win and am now at a loss for what to do with all this built up maverick (I can't just release it on Cindy, it may kill her). I'm sure you're a little afraid of Speaker Pelosi, we all are. So I ask that you give me the opportunity to be Speaker of the House. Working so closely with my good friend Joe Biden, and returning to maverick status, we could do a lot to steer our country in the right direction.
And God forbid you and Joe Biden were to become ill, or worse, executed, America would need somebody who's ready to lead. What better person than somebody who built his campaign around experience and mudslinging. My friend, I just ask you to consider me for this position. I probably won't be around much longer (unless you make fetus research legal) and this might be my last chance to serve the country I love so much. Please take this to heart. Remember, I'm back to being a maverick. The republican party really screwed me over. Imagine having Sarah Palin speak on your behalf, I couldn't wait for it to be over. I'd rather say demeaning and embarrassing things about my country than sit through that torture. I hope to hear from you soon my friend.
God Damn you and God damn America!!!!! Just kidding. But seriously, when can we start enslaving the crackers?
Always with you,
President Elect Obama,
Wow, still can't believe I'm saying that. What a ride we've had! One second I'm telling people you weren't experienced enough to run a McDonald's drive thru, the next I'm whole heartedly convincing my minions to change their minds. It was a roller coaster no doubt. But, as you know we're on the same side (even Bill), and I can't wait to work with you. I do have some suggestions to help things move along and make the world a better place. Just a few recommendations, nothing to big. Sooooooo, when you get a chance just give me a call and we'll discuss it in my, i mean the oval office. Ta for now.
P.S. I hope you weren't freaked out by the fake anthrax (Bill's idea). It's just pixie stix. Enjoy.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
- Verizon Wireless “Can you hear me now?” State of the Union Address
- New Jersey as brought to you by Febreze
- Kanye West® presents the Kanye West® Memorial
featuring Abraham Lincoln. A Kanye West® production
- The LemonParty.org White House
- Big and Tasty New York McStock Exchange
- Apprentice 10: The 2012 Presidential Election
- Hello Kitty Pearl Harbor Memorial
- Washington Mutual Washington Monument
- Trojan Her Pleasure Condoms Grand Canyon
- Taco Bell Supreme Court
- Declaration of Independence
brought to you by National Treasures 3 starring Nicolas Cage
"History was meant to be rewritten"
- The United States of Diddy
Sunday, August 17, 2008
If you haven’t heard the news, professional
liar football player Brett Favre still has itch to throw some more interceptions and has decided to un-retire. This story has been beaten to death and then some by the media. Still, there has been minimal coverage of who Favre-Gate is afflicting the most, the people of Wisconsin. To Cheeseheads Packer Football is an organized religion and Brett Favre is the son of God/Vince Lombardi. This situation is a huge blow to everything Wisconsinites hold near and dear to their hearts. This inspired us to crack open the history books and compile a list of the most devastating events in Wisconsin history.
6. The City of Chicago is Founded.
This was a particularly devastating event in Wisconsin’s history. Scholars agree that Chicago’s founding resulted in the infamous Migration of Hotties, in which all seven of Wisconsin’s attractive women moved south to the newly founded Windy City. Chicago’s founding also resulted in the city of Milwaukee becoming obsolete save for Bulls and Cubs away games and the Summerfest music festival.
5. Bambi is Released
Walt Disney’s Bambi was released and loved in 49 out of 50 states. Although the opening scene where Bambi’s mother is killed by hunters tested well in Wisconsin markets, the rest of the movie (i.e. where Bambi is not killed) was received poorly. This movie was the inspiration behind the creation of the wildly unsuccessful Wisconsin based Malt Whiskey Studios. Malt Whiskey became well known for box office busts such as Bambi II: The Hunter Strikes Back, The Little Beermaid, and Gigli. The movie studio’s failure effectively ended the state’s dream of becoming home to the next Hollywood.
4. Miller Lite’s Secret Ingredient Revealed
On April 12, 1968 Seamus MacArthur Cakes attended the 73rd Annual Thomas Edison Society of Inventors Keg & Hammer Party. Legend has it, after waking up from a long night of drinking with a dry mouth, Seamus took a drink of what he believed to be beer. Much to Seamus’ dismay the cup of beer was a pee cup left by a rowdy fellow inventor. Disgusted by the taste Seamus quickly drank a Miller Lite and noticed a familiar flavor. Seamus went on to use the secret ingredient to help invent and refine his self named Urinal Cakes. The State of Wisconsin was devastated that their beloved beer’s secret was revealed and that the rest of the world now knew why Miller Lite tasted like piss.
3. McDonald Closes Rascal Friendly Drive Thru Windows
In a business move that shocked Wisconsinites, McDonald’s decided to close their drive thru windows specially designed to accommodate Rascal scooters. The innovative windows were test marketed in Wisconsin due to their nation leading Racals Per Capita ratio. The windows were discontinued after ramps allowing people to “scooter” in to the restaurant were found to be more cost effective. The President of Big-boned Users of Rascals for Getting Equal Rights (BURGER) stated, “This is a devastating day for Rascal users everywhere. What’s next? Them making me actually getting up and walking to get my extra value meals?”
2. Exercise is introduced
May 16, 1932 is a day that will live in infamy in the State of Wisconsin. The new fad of “exercising” was sweeping across the nation and slowly crept into the Dairy State. Tensions mounted between the state’s traditional anti-activity faction and a small uprising of pro exercisers. The standoff peaked at the deadly Kenosha Fun Run where Anti-activity-ists assaulted participants of the event which promoted happy healthy hearts. The attack left 56 dead, over 100 wounded, and effectively crushed the short lived exercise revolution. Governor Jacoby Peabody signed a bill the next day outlawing exercise throughout the state. The legislation stands to this day although was amended to exclude throwing a football in the parking lot of Lambeau Field.
1. Supreme Court Overturns Wisconsin’s proposed Food Beer-a-mid
Still recognized as the most devastating event in the State’s 160 year history, the monumental Supreme Court ruling is a dark day for all Cheeseheads. The tragic event began with Senator Herb Kohl’s proposal to replace the nationally used food pyramid which was despised across the state. Senator Kohl developed the Food Beer-A-Mid, a revolutionary dietary tool for the state of Wisconsin. The Beer-a-Mid centered on a large daily intake of the state’s delicacies such as beer, cheese, and sausage while placing less of an emphasis on traditional health foods (i.e. fruits and vegetables). When school districts across the state adopted the new dietary plan, legal battles ensued over whether children should be allowed to intake beer as part of their daily nutrition. The case made it to the Supreme Court where it was immediately ruled unconstitutional.
cheese beer sausage
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
- New England Patriots – They may have overcome spygate, but it’ll be interesting to see if they can stop vomiting after viewing Bill Belichick’s sex tape.
- Indianapolis Colts – With Marvin Harrison finally healthy, the Colts hope to successfully implement a new Carwash Shotgun offense.
- San Diego Chargers – After last years crushing loss, Norv Turner is on the hot seat. Although to be fair his seat is actually on fire, along with the training facility and several players’ homes.
- Dallas Cowboys – Who says Pacman’s not a team player? He ordered his posse to paralyze T.O. so he can’t walk to the medicine cabinet.
- Jacksonville Jaguars – We’re obligated to rank the Jaguars, but nobody really cares about them. Well, the city of Jacksonville cares about them, but people care even less about them. Get destroyed by a hurricane or something, then we’ll talk.
- New York Giants – Eli Manning’s goal last year was to earn the respect of his teammates, and he did it. His goal this year is finally go through puberty.
- Pittsburgh Steelers – Pittsburgh’s love of Ben Rothlisberger has straddled the line between gay and straight. His jersey sales have officially eclipsed jean shorts and chew.
- Green Bay Packers – After all the drama, this is a great opportunity for Aaron Rodgers. He feels as giddy as Mark Chmura during prom season.
- Buffalo Bills – It’s cold, they always lose and the average length of a girl’s period in Buffalo is 8 months. The least we could do was give them some hope.
- Seattle Seahawks – Mike Holmgren is hoping to finish his last season on a high note. Then he can happily lay on a Seattle pier and grow out his tusks.
- Cleveland Browns – This season will probably come down to them solving the quarterback controversy. Is Brady Quinn gay?
- Minnesota Vikings – Adrien Peterson broke the single game rushing record with 296 yards. Though impressive its merely the average weight for a Minnesotan woman.
- New Orleans Saints – The injury to Duece McCallister has left the New Orleans offense more depleted than, well, New Orleans.
- Philadelphia Eagles – It’s all about Donovan McNabb staying healthy. Of course that’s like asking Andy Reid to stay away from a second cheese steak.
- Tennessee Titans – It appears as though Vince Young is improving, still, he did score a 6 out of 50 on the Wanderlic test. Then again, his retard strength may come in handy.
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers – They made the playoffs last year despite having Buttfuck McSodomy behind center. If they want to take it to the next level they’ll have to cut down on the “delay of gays” penalties.
- Washington Redskins – Coming into the season the Redskins appear invigorated by their playoff run. Though their lagging secondary could use a shot in the leg.
- Arizona Cardinals – Fans shouldn’t worry about those photos of Matt Leinart partying this off-season. He’s the only person to score in a Cardinal’s jersey in years.
- Houston Texans – Though they’re 19th in the power rankings, they’re #1 in least original team name.
- Carolina Panthers – See Jacksonville Jaguars.
- Baltimore Ravens – With Steve McNair now retired Joe Flacco will have to learn how to drive drunk and conceal a gun from another team veteran. Luckily, Ray Lewis still holds his annual “Chili Cook-off and Sucka Stab-a-thon.”
- Denver Broncos – The departure of Javon Walker may help to sweeten the locker room atmosphere in Denver. Hopefully for Jay Cutler’s sake it’s not too sweet.
- New York Jets – Interesting fact, New Jersey only smells the way it does because the Jets play there. Oh and the trash. By that I mean their fans.
- Cincinnati Bengals – The Bengals are hoping to make the playoffs for the first time since 2005. Unless you count the 2006 Hamilton County Prison Championship.
- Chicago Bears – Choosing between Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton is like choosing between herpes simplex 1 and herpes simplex 2.
- St. Louis Rams – It’s tough to win when your No. 1 receiver refers to your coach as a whipper-snapper and complains about the younger players stepping on his lawn.
- Oakland Raiders – You may have thought JaMarcus Russell’s holdout for more cash lasted a while, but it’ll be nothing compared to his holdout for success.
- San Francisco 49ers – The only reason Mike Nolan wears a suit on the sidelines is because he’s witnessing his coaching career die every Sunday.
- Detroit Lions – The team is just plain terrible and they have the only stadium heated by trashcan fires and old starter jackets.
- Kansas City Chiefs – Brody Croyle is looking forward to this season. Not for the opportunity to start but because Larry Johnson told him he’d teach him to talk to girls.
- Miami Dolphins – Say what you want about the quarterback situation in Miami, but they’re still on pace to match Hall of Famer Dan Marino’s Superbowl victory total.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
In his latest attempt to be an asshole, Jose Canseco has launched a tell-all blog, www.ihave28inchbicepsandknowallsteroidsecrets.com. Intended to out more athletes as steroid users, the blog fails to deliver as a trustworthy source. Though many of Canseco's past accusations have proved true, his current stories of steroid abuse seem to be completely fabricated. In a post on June 23rd, while apparently reading through the Rays roster, Canseco admits to doing steroids with a then 12-year-old Evan Longoria.
"Lets see. Evan Longoria, oh man, this kid has been using for years. I was out in Cali meeting with Little Leaguers to discuss the dangers of doing steriods. While I'm talking I see this one kid who's clearly not buying what I'm selling. So after I'm done speaking I decide to test him. I take him behind the snackbar and ask him if he wants the truth. Of course he says yes, so I break out a syringe and some juice. He cautiously asked what'll happen, so I tell him the only answer. 'Your dreams will become reality," then jammed a needle into his thigh. The rest is history.”
Aside from claiming that 95% of all athletes have done steroids, Canseco also makes claims that some of the mascots in professional sports are juicing.
“You think Bonds has a big head? Have you seen Mr. Met. That’s the guy that put Radmonski on the map. Have you seen him pump up those fans and take pictures with kids? Where do you think all that energy comes from? It’s not Wheaties.”
Canseco's blog also delves into his own personal dilemmas and apparently ongoing steroid use. In one recent post he discusses his decision to defend Roger Clemens. After admitting he's lying, the post digresses into the first captured incident of roid-rage on a blog.
"Man, this Roger thing is really getting to me. I mean, yeah, it's fun to mix everything up and defend one of my oldest juicing buddies, but I just want to out him so badly. But the thing is, every word I've spoken up until this has been true, so they have no choice but to believe me. Those morons can't deny my superior knowledge of the steroid underworld. My case is fuckin bulletproof. You know what else is bulletproof? These fuckin pecs! Yeah baby, you like that. I don't use that HGH pansy shit they give to your grandma for wrinkles. FUCK THAT SHIT! FUCK IT!! I GO STRAIGHT EIGHTIES STYLE! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! All these fucking losers today, using steroids to get healthly. Why doesn't your fucking boyfriend take care of you? I use steroids to go to the top. I'm bigger than you, stronger. I can type faster than you. You can't blog like this! My fuckin blog is out of fucking control!"
While this would certainly be case for discussion, it won't take place on Canseco's message boards. This is due to his warning that "Any pussies who think I'm wrong will be beaten." In addition to daily blog posts the site offers a text message newsletter telling you which athlete in the news that morning was "totally a juicer."
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Each week we will take a look at how the who’s who of the world stack-up against each other in the topics that matter most to you. This week we turn to the 2008 Presidential Election. In the coming months, we’ll hear plenty about McCain and Obama’s poilicies, but how do they compare in a long night of drunkenness and debauchery? We break down the candidates in five distinct categories and find out WHO IS BETTER!
McCain: I might just have to forfeit this point. Without going to a bar, McCain passes out promptly at 7:30 PM everynight after listening to his favorite radio dramas from Orsen Welles’s Mercury Theater on Air. I can only imagine he’d fall asleep before the bartender could pour an entire glass of Guinness. You may have to start ordering Vodka Redbulls (with the permission of his doctor of course) to keep him awake. However, if he is awake, he may just put you to sleep.
Obama: Obama has the lungs and the liver to go all night. Thanks to the media’s 24/7 coverage his daily trips to the gym (the dude’s got a sick jumpshot) we know BO is in shape to go the distance. Couple this with his “secret” love of cigarettes, which are a performance enhancing drug in the drinking world and you have a presidential candidate oozing with drinking upside. There’s no doubt that Barack will be grabbing Taco Bell fourth meal at 3:30 in the morning. SI SE PUEDE!
McCain: McCain’s the darkhorse in this category. You can take several angles here that’ll lead to success. First, he’s a war hero, who gets more respect than them (when they’re in front of your face)? Nobody. Make him wear his old uniform and ladies will be storming you like the beach at Normandy. Second, use the old “My grandma just passed and I’m spending some quality time with pops here.” Tugs at heartstrings and lets you leave early with a number rather screw up trying too hard to seal the deal.
Obama: Barack is the kind of guy who is willing to help out a friend in need. He would always be up for talking up your stock to help you out (see: 2004 Democratic National Convention speech). However, he’s so smooth that he would probably end up taking your girl home and ruining your chances for success (see: 2004 presidential election). Looking on the bright side hanging out with Obama will provide you with plenty of scraps and sloppy seconds to pick from.
McCain: Another wildcard category for McCain here. True, he may be terribly arthritic and would probably steal all the quarters to save money, but he could come up with some clutch drinking games you’ve never heard of. I’m sure he learned some wicked games from American Indians as an intern on the Lewis and Clark expeditions. As an added bonus, though not technically games, he can impress your friends by pulling a quarter out of their ear and detaching his thumb, but only for a second.
Obama: Barack is probably money at beer pong due to his aforementioned basketball skills. He also went to college for a shade under a decade so he probably has been exposed to every drinking game imaginable. But, his biggest critics cite his lack of experience as his prominent shortcoming. He may have to shore up this flaw by bringing along a VP candidate who can remind him the rules of Circle of Death (Ted Kennedy anyone?)
Willingness to buy drinks
McCain: If there’s one thing this Maverick hasn’t changed, it’s his staunch views as a fiscal conservative. What does this mean to drinking? He won’t be buying any absurd shots and ever 5 minutes he’ll remind you exactly how many drinks each person has bought (probably upping his number). When he does reach for his wallet you’ll be getting a $2 Miller Lite and the bartender will be getting a shitty tip. McCain definitely falls a bit short here. Plus he’ll be complaining how when he was growing up a goblet of mead only cost one sheckle and a hen.
Obama: Charity and goodwill are right in Obama’s wheelhouse and would translate perfectly into the drinking world. Obama was handing out fourties on the south side of Chicago before he started his ascent into politics so there is little doubt he would be buying endless rounds at the bar all night. However, change is also in his wheelhouse so he may be bringing back a different drink each round which could lead to trouble (i.e. the Jameson, Jagerbomb, tequila combo). The silver lining is that he would probably make the oil companies pick up the tab and your vomit!
McCain: Everybody knows that McCain is old and boring, yawn, but I bet he has some wild stories. Get him drunk enough and he may start having flashbacks to his POW days. This could go two routes. Either he tells great stories about kicking foreign ass and rejoicing with old buddies, or (and that’s a big or), he reverts to the fetal position reliving the horrors. If the latter happens you’re going to have to comfort him and hope that you draw some sympathy from beautiful onlookers.
Obama: Let’s face it, this guy could read people the directions off the box of an enema and they would burst into chants of “YES WE CAN!” Barack’s well refined oratory skills are well known throughout the world. BO has plenty of material to work with and there is little doubt he could fill up a solid drinking outing with some good conversation. However, he may want to talk a little too much about change, politics, etc. when you want to discuss more important matters like which Thundercat you could beat up and if Mr. Belding was gay.
Overall winner: OBAMA!
This weeks comparison proved closer than expected. In the end, the favorite prevailed. Barrack Hussein Obama pulled out a squeaker over the over-experienced John Cornelius McCain. While we'll have to wait until November to see who prevails in the election, our analysis of a night out drinking has all but proven, BARRACK OBAMA IS BETTER.