Saturday, October 17, 2009
CINCINNATI BENGALS –5.5 Houston Texans
In order to avoid a blackout, Motorola purchased over 1,500 tickets to this Sunday’s game. They’ve enlisted Chad Ochocinco to help hand them out. This may be the first time a pedestrian actually keeps the piece of paper handed to them by the Black Mexican on the corner.
Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Cincinnati Bengals
WASHINGTON REDSKINS – 6.5 Kansas City Chiefs
Let’s face it, the Redskins suck. They’re probably better than the Chiefs, but that doesn’t say much. Last week they handed the woeful Panthers their first win of the season and they get to face another hopeless team this week. Look for them to follow in Obama’s bailout footsteps and hand the pathetic Chiefs a meaningless win.
Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Boring
PITTSBURGH STEELERS – 14 Cleveland Browns
In hopes of building off of last week’s ugly victory against the Bills, the Browns come into Pittsburgh with more confidence than ever. After completing just two passes last week, starting quarterback Derek Anderson hopes to up his completions to match Ben Roethlisberger’s pending sexual harassment lawsuits.
Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Pittsburgh Steelers
MINNESOTA VIKINGS – 3 Baltimore Ravens
Brett Favre turned 40 this weekend. Is there any better way to celebrate your birthday by playing the game you love while 2 old white men suck your dick from a booth 500ft away? I guess making them gargle “He’s just having fun out there” is a nice touch.
Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Birthday Boy
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS – 9.5 St. Louis Rams
It’s funny. Not only do the UFL’s Florida Tuskers have as many televised games as the Jaguars (zero). They also have the same amount of NFL caliber players (zero). I doubt the refs even show up for this one.
Roof Monkeys’ Pick: St. Louis Limbaughs
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS – 3 New York Giants
This game all comes down to the quarterbacks. Can Drew Brees handle the Giants impress blitz? And can Eli Manning overcome the temptation of tranny hookers on Bourbon Street? We weren’t aware this was a problem until we spoke to Jeremy Shockey, who assured us that his former quarterback was a “total fucking faggot.”
Roof Monkeys’ Pick: New Orleans Saints
Carolina Panthers – 3 TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
Raheem Morris has two choices. Either make his mark in the win column, or make his mark in the history books be being the first black head coach to lose every game.
Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Carolina Panthers
GREEN BAY PACKERS – 14 Detroit Lions
Still reeling from a tough loss to former Green Bay demigod Brett Favre, Packer’s fans and players are grateful for their schedule. They’ll be sure to take full advantage of this bye week and rest up physically and emotionally.
Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Green Bay Packers
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES - 14 Oakland Raiders
This is going to be a rough one for Oakland. Owner Al Davis will spend the entire afternoon wondering how two brothers can play the same position and look so much a like but still perform so differently on the field.
Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Andy Reid’s BBQ
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS - 3 Arizona Cardinals
Arizona’s locker hasn’t been able to focus all week after an awkward encounter between stud WR Larry Fitzgerald and backup QB Matt Leinart. Mistaking Fitzgerald for a woman, Leinart aggressively approached him from behind in the shower in hopes of crossing “Ebony Princess” off of his sexual bucket list.
Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Fitzgerald getting tested for STDs
NEW YORK JETS – 9.5 Buffalo Bills
After last week’s loss against the Dolphins, Jets coach Rex Ryan said that his defense made Chad Henne look like Dan Marino. To avoid any comparisons to Jim Kelly, Rex Ryan visited the home of Trent Edwards and proceed to swallow his Chocolate Lab in one bite.
Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Indigestion and a call from PETA
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS - 9.5 Tennessee Titans
This week we see the return of LB Junior Seau. In hopes of getting some extra help on defense, the Patriots asked Seau to bring some Tijuana Gold Tequilla to throw Lendalle White and Kerry Collins off the wagon again.
Roof Monkeys’ Pick: 12 more steps
ATLANTA FALCONS - 3 Chicago Bears
Hoping to avoid another situation like when he commented on Denver fans, QB Jay Cutler remained silent when asked about TO trade rumors. Rather than saying “no comment” he simply receded into his neck folds and held out until the reporters left him alone.
Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Hotlanta
SAN DIEGO – 4.5 Denver Broncos
After beating mentor Bill Belichick last weekend, 33 year-old head coach Josh McDaniel’s confidence is at an all time high. So high in fact, that he’s going to be calling his teams offensive plays this week … all by himself!!
Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Orton’s beardlike facial hair
Friday, October 9, 2009
New England Patriots -3.5 DENVER BRONCOS
With so much on the line for Bill Belichick has gone to new lengths to protect his quarterback and beat his old protégé. He found out that according to the new rules, a penalty will be assessed if a member of Broncos hits Tom Brady’s knee, knee brace, oxygen machine, clown shoe, paparazzi, or tampon string. Since Brady brings all that and a small dog, he should be seeing yellow all day.
Roof Monkeys Pick: New England
BALTIMORE RAVENS -8.5 Cincinnati Bengals
Stabbings, drug deals, carjackings, fires ... and that’s just the players parking long. These AFC North rivals (why not?) are fighting for division supremacy and showertime anal virginity. Expect some tears and tear tattoos in the Ravens locker room. Cincinnati rolls.
Roof Monkeys Pick: Cincinnati
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS -2.5 Atlanta Falcons
Michael Crabtree has signed. He totally worked the 49ers. Not only did they not cave in to his demands, but he alienated his coach and teammates. Luckily they’re 0-4 and in desperate need of a playmaker. Oh wait, Crabtree’s just a whiny little bitch. Congrats 49ers, enjoy Braylon Edwards II.
Roof Monkeys Pick: Atlanta
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS -.5 Jacksonville Jaguars
Word is Matt Hasselbeck is set to return this week. Luckily the Roof Monkeys’ pick is already locked with this spread. You bet you’re ass we’ll be part of the 13th man this weekend. Oh, if you’re wondering they had to make the fans the 13th man to make room for Mike Holmgren.
Roof Monkeys Pick: Seattle
ARIZONA CARDINALS - 5.5 Houston Texans
The threat of another possible blackout looms over the Cardinals organization coming into Sunday’s game. I guess making the Super Bowl wasn’t enough. Of course, if they do get blacked out, the network will probably make more money off of advertising during Matlock. Although, that might distract Kurt Warner
Roof Monkeys Pick: Arizona
Indianapolis Colts - 3.5 TENNESSEE TITANS
Let’s be honest people, we all expected Peyton Manning to do well. What we didn’t expect, was a team with a alcoholic quarterback, no WRs known outside the locker room, a RB who lost weight by not drinking Petron, and no run defense to be 0-4. I mean, where did that come from.
Roof Monkeys Pick: Indianapolis
New York Jets - 1.5 MIAMI DOLPHINS
Rex Ryan recently said that he regretted talking trash with Miami LB Channing Crowder in the preseason. He said it was a complete misunderstanding. He wasn’t talking trash to Channing Crowder, he thought they said Clam Chowder. When he believed that Clam Chowder would say such hurtful things, after all the love he’s given it, well he just didn’t know what to do.
Roof Monkeys Pick: Miami
BUFFALO BILLS –6.5 Cleveland Browns
The Browns secured their first victory of the season when they were able to trade Braylon Edwards to the Jets for someone not named Braylon Edwards. Despite a successful week 4 against the Bengals, Browns fans are hoping WR Mohamed Massquoi can fill Edwards role of dropping every ball and punching out friends of LeBron James.
Roof Monkeys Pick: Buffalo Bills
Pittsburgh Steelers -10.5 DETROIT LIONS
Detroit has had a rough week that featured the Tigers losing Game 163 to the Twins and starting QB Matthew Stafford injuring his knee against the Bears. Things will only get worse as Roof Monkey Economists anticipate the city of Detroit's high unemployment rate to increase after QB Ben Roethlisberger gets half the wait staff at Sizzler fired for carding an underaged woman at his table.
Roof Monkeys Pick: Pittsburgh Steelers
Dallas Cowboys - 8.5 KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
The debate brewing in Dallas has been whether QB Tony Romo should tone down his gunslinging style of play and attempt to only manage the game. The debate brewing in Kansas City has been whether QB Matt Cassell should tone down his horrific style of play and attempt to only not lose every fucking game he starts.
Roof Monkeys Pick: Dallas Cowboys
Minnesota Vikings –10.5 ST. LOUIS RAMS
The big news in St. Louis was conservative radio show host Rush Limbaugh making a pitch to buy the Rams. In an attempt to gain support, Limbaugh is planning to leave painkillers from his personal stash in Brett Favre's locker in hopes the Rams will pull the upset if the gunslinger is reacquainted with an old friend.
Roof Monkeys Pick: St. Louis Rams
NEW YORK GIANTS -16.5 Oakland Raiders
If Eli Manning is shelved with his heel injury we could see the "Shitty #1 Overall Draft Pick QB Bowl" starring JaMarcus Russell and David Carr. Who will toss more picks? Who will overthrow more receivers? To pick the less shitty of these two shitty QBs we turned to the wise man Sean Combs who said "Mo Money Mo Problems". Sorry JaMarcus your shittiness is amplified by your shitty contract.
Roof Monkeys Pick: New York Giants
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES -13.5 Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Eagles have plenty of talent under center with Donny McNabb returning from injury this week. The only positive we could find about Bucs starting QB Josh Johnson is that he's Marshawn Lynch's cousin. No word on if Beast Mode is hereditary, so we'll stick with the Eagles.
Roof Monkeys Pick: Philadelphia Eagles
CAROLINA PANTHERS -3.5 Washington Redskins
Instead of acknowledging this terrible game is actually taking place we would rather handicap the WNBA Finals. We like the Phoenix Mercury over the Indiana umm Pacerettes? due to the Mercury having more lesbians. And not the hot lesbians, the kind that are really good at guy stuff, like basketball.
Roof Monkeys Pick: Phoenix Mercury
Thursday, October 8, 2009
CHICAGO - All 32 Major League Baseball owners chose to approve the sale of the Chicago Cubs from the Tribune Co. to the bone-afflicting disorder Rickets.
“It’s only natural that the Cubs be sold to a disorder that brings so little to hope to those
afflicted,” said MLB Commissioner Bud Selig.
Best known for the longest championship drought in sports history (which now stands at 101 years), the
Cubs are still a financially successful franchise.
Wrigley Field consistently sells out games every summer, and millions of fans flock to root on the “lovable losers.”
“I think it’s really fitting that Rickets bought the Cubs,” said lifelong fan Fred McGee. “Not having the strength to shoulder any pressure really epitomizes this team.”
Rickets is a disease that weakens the bones due to lack of vitamins, usually cause by famine or starvation. And with the trophy case in its current state, it’s really a wonder that the Cubs are standing at all.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
While everyone else was in church Sunday morning we were meticulously going over our Week 4 picks. While we're burning in eternal damnation enjoy this invaluable gambling advice. Home teams are in caps.
Oakland Raiders +8.5 HOUSTON TEXANS
Here's a way to make Raiders games semi-watchable, guess which week JaMarcus Russell's QB rating, completion percentage, or body fat percentage breaks 40.
Roof Monkeys Pick: Houston Texans and body fat
Tennessee Titans -3 JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS
The key number for this match up is 3. The Titans at 0-3 have already amassed as many losses this year as they had all of last season. The Jaguars are expecting a franchise record high 3 fans at their next game after Jack Del Rio guilt tripped his family into "finally seeing where Daddy works".
Roof Monkeys Pick: Jacksonville Jaguars
Baltimore Ravens +1.5 NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
The Ravens prepared for this matchup by dismantling former Patriots coordinator Eric Mangini's Cleveland Browns last week. Unfortunately for Baltimore, Bill Belichick only taught Mangini how to be an insufferable prick and nothing about football.
Roof Monkeys Pick: New England Patriots
Cincinnati Bengals -6 CLEVELAND BROWNS
In the most puzzling personnel move since Michael Brown was named FEMA, the Browns penciled Derek Anderson in as starting QB despite tossing 3 picks last week. Luckily Cleveland is already a shithole so it won't be as big of a deal when Anderson screws up.
Roof Monkeys Pick: Cincinnati Bengals
New York Giants -9 KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
The Chiefs offseason consisted of bringing in GM Scott Pioli, LB Mike Vrabel and spending $63M on QB Matt Cassel. The Giants offseason consisted of Plaxico Burress getting arrested on a firearm offense. The lesson learned is the key to running a successful franchise is having your star player go to prison for shooting himself in the leg.
Roof Monkeys Pick: New York Giants
Detroit Lions +10 CHICAGO BEARS
Coming off their first win in 20 games, the city of Detroit is riding high. Detroit looks to capitalize on Chicago's failure to secure the Olympics by putting a bid in for the 2020 games. Expect the bid to include a proposal for new events including the 100m abandoned car hurdles, a panhandling marathon, and 4x400m hobo relay.
Roof Monkeys Pick: Detroit Lions
Tampa Bay Buccaneers +7.5 WASHINGTON REDSKINS
In this week's Who Gives A Shit Bowl, the winless Buccaneers travel to our nation's capital to meet the only team to lose to the Lions in nearly two years. We'll go with the Buccaneers because their mascot is less racist.
Roof Monkeys Pick: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Seattle Seahawks +10 INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
You don't need to look any further than the QB matchup in this game. Seahawks QB Seneca Wallace has 24 career touchdown passes. Colts QB Peyton Manning has 24 shitty commercials on television right now. Parlay the Colts with the over on how many times you are forced to watch his Oreo commercials.
Roof Monkeys Pick: Indianapolis Colts
New York Jets +7 NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
Everyone is excited for the new look New York Jets, rookie QB Matt Sanchez has led the Jets to an impressive 3-0 start. We are more excited for the possibility of head coach Rex Ryan growing a mustache so we can recycle all of our Mike Holmgren jokes.
Roof Monkeys Pick: New York Jets
Buffalo Bills PK MIAMI DOLPHINS
Picking a starting QB out of Chad Henne, Pat White, and Tyler Thigpen is like picking what to eat at an Old Country Buffet. If their season goes anything like our last trip to OCB, Dolphins fans should prepare themselves for a season of vomiting, diarrhea, and stomach cramps.
Roof Monkeys Pick: Buffalo Bills
St. Louis Rams +9.5 SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
The 49ers were one miracle throw away from pulling a major upset in Minnesota last week. The Rams were 10 players away from us being able to name their starting offense. We could never forget Steven Jackson, he's still on the team right?
Roof Monkeys Pick: San Francisco 49ers
Dallas Cowboys -3 DENVER BRONCOS
Bronco fans expected a downgrade in QB play when Kyle Orton replaced Jay Cutler. However, Orton has less interceptions, a higher QB rating, and doesn't make you want to punch him in the face as much.
Roof Monkeys Pick: Denver Broncos
San Diego Chargers +6.5 PITTSBURGH STEELERS
The Steelers are in unfamiliar territory at 1-2 and third place in the AFC North. Chargers fans traveling to Pittsburgh will be in unfamiliar territory when they realize their are no women under 200 lbs. We don't think the Chargers are into "goin' hoggin'" so they should be distraction free.
Roof Monkeys Pick: San Diego Chargers
Green Bay Packers +4 MINNESOTA VIKINGS
Every television set in Wisconsin will be tuned to Monday Night Football to see Brett Favre's first game against his former team. Network executives expect the state's highest television ratings since the infamous "nipple slip" episode of The Biggest Loser.
Roof Monkeys Pick: Minnesota Vikings