Friday, January 30, 2009

Mascot's selfish behavior tarnishes AFC Championship celebration

As the final seconds ticked off the clock of Pittsburgh's 23-14 victory over Baltimore, the Steelers took the field to celebrate their latest AFC Championship. However, there was one notable absentee from the post-game festivities, team mascot Steely McBeam. After the Steelers had all but secured victory in the final quarter, McBeam was seen on the sidelines arguing with Pittsburgh's Public Relations Manager, Burt Lauten. The lengthy and heated exchange ended when McBeam stormed off the field with over a minute left on the game clock.

The argument is believed to have stemmed from the lack of playing time McBeam received during the AFC Championship Game. McBeam was scratched from his starting role of the Halftime Kiss Cam host in favor of Disney Channel's Raven Symone. McBeam's latest display of childish behavior should come as no surprise given his rocky history with the franchise. In March 2008, McBeam replaced all of the Terrible Towels in the Heinz Field giftshops with Steely McBobbleheads resulting in a 2 Kiss Cam suspension. His 2007 domestic battery trial involving on again/off again girlfriend Amy Winehouse forced him to miss the last four games of the regular season. Perhaps his most controversial moment was in 2006 when McBeam claimed to have embraced Islam changing his name to Steely Mouhammed Rabiq Al Jazeer and refusing to acknowledge the American flag during the National Anthem.

Given McBeam's track record it would be no surprise to see the Steelers part with his services in the upcoming offseason. League sources say the Steelers have inquired about upcoming Chicago free agent Da Bear. Pittsburgh could also be looking to build through the draft. ESPN's Mel Kiper projects Pittsburgh picking Ohio State's Brutus Buckeye in his latest Mock Draft.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Barry Bonds seeks more surgery

After announcing he would undergo hip surgery in order to ready himself for a return to baseball, Barry Bonds stated he would go a step further.

"I will have my personality surgically repaired," said Bonds after a meeting with famed Dr. James Andrews. "Specifically, [Dr. Andrews] will locate and remove the asshole portion of my behavior."

Throughout his career Bonds has been considered an errant prick to both members of the media and of his fan club. Last year, even though his services were available, not one major league team contacted the home run king. Although Bond's will turn 45 this July, he still put up stellar numbers in recent years. This, of course, is because of the massive amounts of steroids he did, allegedly.

In addition to the asterisk tattooed on his face, metaphorically, his off field demeanor has distracted teams and fans from seeing his on-field accomplishments. In the past he has consistently called the media unfair. Deriding everything from their treatment of his father to their coverage of his defiling of sports more coveted record.

Baseball and medical experts are unsure of how this will end up. While he may no longer have an asshole, he will, most likely, remain a huge ass. Still, surgery appears to be the only option, if Barry still believes he can play, and destroy the integrity of our national pastime, at a high level.

Blagojevich's hairpiece to testify

As Illinois Senator Rod Blagojevich continues to promote his innocence on the talk-show circuit, a close friend has taken the stand to testify for the prosecution. That friend of course, is his hairpiece. Long thought to simply be a Serbian misinterpretation of popular style, the hairpiece in question seems to have fallen out of favor with his longtime confidant and vehicle.

This rift between head and hair could spell trouble for Blagojevich as he faces corruption charges after allegedly attempting to sell the senate seat left vacant by Barack Obama. It is believed that the hairpiece was with the senator throughout the entire scandal and was privy to some crucial information. Up until now, the two were seen as inseparable (aside from rumored sleeping arrangements) and thought to be an intimidating one-two political punch. However, money got the best of Blagojevich as he recently sold the rug out from under his friend’s feet, giving his head-warming and fashion duties to a wealthy Arabian raccoon.

Now, as the senator’s trial gets underway, his former hairpiece has decided to go on record with all he knows, even if it means jail time as an accomplice. As the toupee takes main stage, many hope the senator’s lies will be exposed, and in turn expose him as the bald asshole everybody knows he is.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

America forces another black man to swear on the bible!

Today the United States of America elected its first African American President. And the world got its first black leader that matters (Sorry Mandela). Over 2 million people came out to D.C. to cheer on Barack Obama as he was sworn in as the 44th President.

Obama delivered an honest and inspirational speech, highlighting his goals and emphasizing the great challenges ahead. While doing so, he placed the onus on us, the American people, saying it is our responsibility to bring the change we so desperately crave. That's not what I signed up for. "Yes He Can! Yes He Can!"

So now we have a new President, a new beacon of freedom and hope. America is saved! The world is saved!

Before we get too crazy, lets relax. He hasn't actually done anything. We've been excited before only to be let down. Let us not forget the Ryan Leafs, Len Bias's, and Crystal Pepsi's of the past. Only time will tell how successful Barack Obama can be. So let's just wait and see how he uses his playing time.