Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Steroids are once again at the forefront of baseball media coverage. With the leaked information of Alex Rodriquez being one of 104 major league players who tested positive in 2003, baseball is in a state of chaos. Out of all this mess, the biggest fear on everybody’s mind is, “Who else did steroids?” To get some answers we interviewed current and former players to ask them about the issue.
Albert Pujols, St. Louis Cardinals: “Nah man. I never touched the stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I thought about it. I know guys who did and I saw results. Plus I’m in St. Louis. There’s not much else to do. Have you seen the women? This place might as well be called ‘Warmer Cleveland.’”
Manny Ramirez, Free Agent: “Last time I checked. Having another man put something in your butt is gay. I’m not gay. Last time I checked.”
Jeff Kent, Retired: “I blame the blacks. Oh and Abe Lincoln, that fuckin’ coward!”
Alfonso Soriano, Chicago Cub: “¿Que? ¿Donde compro los esteroides? ¿Sabes?”
Rafael Palmero, Limp-dicked liar: “Remember when Juan Gonzalez and I were awesome? … No? Are you sure? ….. yeah, nobody ever does.”
David Wells, Retired: “Who gives a shit?!?! It’s fuckin baseball. People think I was hungover when I pitched my perfect game. Wrong! I was wasted. Before I took the mound I had about 3 BoomerWangs. It’s my signature cocktail. Basically just horse tranquilizers, stripper sweat, and maybe a buffalo wing or two.”
Curt Schilling, Asshole: We’re just kidding we didn’t interview him, nobody actually gives a shit what he thinks.
Monday, February 23, 2009
"I did it," said a regretful Alex Rodriguez at a press conference last Saturday. "I took PEDs from 2001-2003, and for that I am sorry."
“After I signed my contract with a Texas I was under intense pressure to perform at a high level. I was so used to having no expectations in Seattle, that I didn’t see any other choice,” conceded Rodriquez. “Luckily I don’t face any of that same pressure here in New York.”
“I can’t say enough, how sorry and embarrassed I am. I apologize to my fans, the organization, and my family,” said Rodriguez while tearing. “Most of all, I’d like to apologize to my teammates.
“Derek, you’ve really been supportive through everything. I want to say I’m sorry for masturbating in your duffle bag. And Giambi, I have to admit, I was the one who shaved your moustache. It was no coincidence my new pubes were the same color.”
"While we're at it, I'm also sorry for wearing a shit ton of make-up to this interview, voting for Bush, keeping Madonna relevant, voting for Bush again, and for attempting to fellate Joe Torre on a number of occasions.”
Monday, February 9, 2009
"Man is it sticky! But it's a good sticky," said Holmgren. "Like when you make a gargantuan sandwich and as you're holding it, just game-planning on how to tackle the beast, the mustard mixes with the oil and starts running down your hands."
Holmgren continued on to describe the stickiness of mayonnaise in his moustache and how he loves running a comb through it and then licking the comb. Bob Costa appeared nervous when his attempts to bring the former NFL Coach out of his trance proved futile.
"At first we really didn't know what to do," said Costa. "Dan Patrick (who was within arms reach) looked scared for his life. The producers were baffled. But then he started salivating too much for coherent speech, so we were able to continue with the coverage."
As the film crews packed up Holmgren appeared to be mumbling while miming the act of eating a sandwich.
"There was a five hour period on Wednesday when he was just naming things that can be put on sandwich," said Emilio Gonzalez, a janitor at Raymond James stadium. "My English isn't the best, but I'm pretty sure he was naming dog breeds at one point."
Though it remains unknown as to when Holmgren will stop talking. It's a sure thing that he will need to go into hibernation soon if he wants to survive the harsh winter of the American Northwest.
Friday, February 6, 2009
"We kind of knew he was still around because of all the candy bar wrappers, so we followed the trail straight to the big oak tree," said a Secret Service Agent. "Then sure enough, there he was."
As his time as President wound down, Mr. Bush began spending more and more time in his secret clubhouse. At one point he tried to hold a cabinet meeting up there, leading to Vice President Cheney falling through the poorly built "deck." The resulting injuries left the VP wheelchair bound.
Whether or not Laura knows of, or cares about, the situation is still unknown, but we were able to reach the former President via Dixie cup last weekend. "Technically my treehouse is not on White House 'grounds' so I'm not too worried," said President Bush. "In fact, I may not even be part of the United States. I'm going to have to look into that..." The former President then trailed off and was heard looking for his "adding machine." Minutes later he crashed through the floor of the tree house and plummeted to the ground, hitting his head on the wooden ladder as he went down.
Seconds later, he was back in the tree, emerging after a few minutes to display his new sign "No Obama Allowed." What the current President will do about his houseguest remains to be seen.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Punxsutawney Phil, the beloved groundhog who millions of Americans look to for their annual winter forecast, is at the center of a massive federal corruption case. The case accuses Phil of engaging in pay to play tactics by selling his annual winter prediction to the highest bidder. Federal agents arrested Phil during an early morning raid on his den just moments after he made his latest prediction. Federal authorities have charged Phil with multiple counts of corruption, three counts of felony firearm possession, and one count of felony possession of narcotics with intent to distribute.
It remains unknown how long this alleged practice has been going on for, however the case names Snuggie, Inc. as the buyer of this year’s extended winter prediction. Snuggie, Inc. would stand to benefit greatly from a longer winter season through increased sales of their “as seen on TV” Snuggie Thermal Blanket. Another notable alleged pay to play incident occurred in 2002 when Old Navy paid Phil an estimated $3.1 million for a shorter winter so that they could roll out their spring line of coolats sooner. Federal agents, whose primary objective was to arrest Phil on corruption charges, were surprised to find multiple unregistered firearms and large quantities of crack cocaine packed for distribution stockpiled in his den. Pat Fitzgerald, the case’s lead prosecutor, stated, “While Mr. Phil’s corruption charges were our initial focus, we intend to prosecute him on the gun and drug charges to the fullest extent of the law.”
Phil refused to talk to the media as he was being led in handcuffs to the police car. However, his attorney maintained his client’s innocence stating, “My client, Punxsutawney Phil, has done nothing wrong. Furthermore, he’s still the acting groundhog and still has the right to all powers of office.” One notable power of office is the right for Phil to name his successor. Sources are already speculating at potential replacements if the Pennsylvania State Senate votes to impeach Phil. According to one insider, the current frontrunners are Punxsutawney Pete, Punxsutawney Paul, and Caroline Kennedy.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
“My bad, dudes.” Phelps stated, fighting back tears. “The last thing I wanted to do was to bum out all my buddies and be a major buzzkill.” “In a way I’m glad this photo came out because I think I had hit rock bottom and needed help.” Phelps admitted that this was not the first time he had been awarded gold medals. “Back in 2004, I was up to six gold medals per Olympics. I was only smoking 3 times a day and hadn’t downloaded a Phish live show in I can’t remember how long.” Friends also noticed Phelps displaying some bizarre behavior. Stephen “SmokeDawwwwg” Stanslowski stated “Me and the bros thought something was up when Phour Twenty was only downing 12,000 calories a day. Dude usually eats that much at IHOP after wake n’ bake.”
The future may be rough for Phelps. In addition to his “chill dude” status being in jeopardy, he stands to lose endorsements. Local Seven-Eleven employee, Carl “Party Carl” Thorpe, is rethinking his exclusive 50% off Taquitos and Swisher Sweets deal with Phelps. “He was such a cool dude, I had no problem hooking him up with the ‘Quitos and blunts. Now, I just don’t know bro, he’s all about this swimming stuff and it’s just a total bummer.” Phelps recognizes the damage this photograph has done and pledges to repair his identity. “No more pools for me.” Phelps promised, “The only time I’m going to be near water is when I’m refilling my bong.” Phelps is not swearing off sports completely, he has tentatively agreed to represent Team USA in the hackey sack and frisbee golf portions of the 2010 High Times Summer Games.
Critics agree that the 81st Academy Awards features one of the most deserving slate of nominees for the Actor in a Supporting Role award in many years. Lopez disagrees finding fault in each of the nominees. “Basically what you have to do is put on some make up or go gay.” [Editor’s note: A majority of Mr. Lopez’s comments on this subject were deemed too offensive to print.] “I played a god damned chihuahua, do you know how hard it was to get into character?” Lopez retorted. Lopez, a known method actor, spent a year and a half preparing for his role as Papi. “I was on a steady diet of Alpo and table scraps, and slept in a dog carrier for 18 months. There’s only five different flavors of Alpo and do you know how fucking small those dog crates are?” When asked for his thoughts on Beverly Hills Chihuahua’s snub in the Animated Feature Film category, Lopez said, “To be honest, I was more pissed off that we got left off for Best Picture, BHC was so much more than an animated film it was a journey of self-discovery for a group of chihuahuas who had to overcome their inner demons to achieve their dreams, but fuck Wall-E and Kung Fu Panda.”
Lopez is determined not to let this year’s disappointment affect his future plans. “I have a lot of projects in the works right now. I want to do some art house films because it seems like that's what those douche monkeys at the Academy like to see. But I’m not going to let them dictate what I end up doing.” IMDB.com lists Mr. Lopez in two upcoming 2009 movies, The George Lopez Show: The Movie, and Big Mamma’s House 3: Grande Mamacita’s Casa.