Sunday, August 30, 2009

Nationals Eliminated from Little League World Series

OMAHA, NE - Following a 7-2 loss Saturday night to Chula Vista, California, the Washington Nationals were been eliminated from the Little League World Series.

“It’s just a shame. These kids worked so hard,” said Nationals’ manager Jim Riggleman. “But I think they realize how privileged they were just to get this far.”

Before the tournament started the Nationals were considered a huge long shot. In the eastern regional’s they beat out an injury riddled Toms River team with a series of wacky plays and blind faith.

During the semi-finals it took a check swing by Christian Guzman in the bottom of the 6th inning to put away Georgia. But no matter how bleak it seemed, they always came to play.

“Those kids really made us proud out there,” said Loretta Zimmerman, mother of Ryan Zimmerman, and one of six parents have made the journey to Omaha. “We may not be the biggest crowd, but we try to be the loudest … and we're definitely the drunkest.”

So while they may not live the dream of playing for the championship game, they feel like they’ve already one.

“Just making it this far is something I’ll never forget,” said left fielder Adam Dunn, who led the series in both home runs and strikeouts. “I mean, realistically, most of will probably never make varsity. So this was our Super Bowl.”

Thursday, August 27, 2009

George W. Bush Announces Memoirs

CRAWFORD, TX - At a press conference held on his back patio, former President George W. Bush announced that his personal memoirs would be released within a year. This comes just days after former Vice President Dick Cheney stated his memoirs were set to be released. Of course what caught the attention of the former president wasn't the release, but rather the supposed contents of Cheney's papers. It is reported that Cheney badmouths the former President, saying that he "went soft." Obviously hurt by these allegations, Bush acted quickly in responding to these jabs. "I got about as soft as his big fat butt. Heh Heh. Oh wait"

During his announcement the former President Bush made it clear that he was not going to hold back, and would tell his story no matter who got hurt. "A lot of people aren't going to be happy when they get a look at this," said the ex-President. "I plan on depicting people how they really were ... not how they presented themselves to the American people." The former President then chugged a beer, belched, and attempted to break wind when he suddenly ran inside the house.

When the Bush returned, in a bathrobe, he added that he no longer feared "timeout" or "international war." He even went on to state that

he'd never felt this free in years. "Hell, when I was President somebody was always tellin me what to do. Approve this, veto that. Bomb them, kill him. Blah blah blah blah. But now, I can do what I want and say what I want. Did you know that Colin Powel has a tiny penis? And that Cheney can see better at night?"

In an interesting move, Bush has chosen to depict his time as President in a coloring book format. "I was never good with words and I feel as though pictures offer the full range of emotions," said the former President. "Also, I really like coloring."

Bush assured the media that his memoirs, entitled "Cowboy White House: The Legend of the Lonestar Kid and the Old Scary Butt Ass" would be available to the public quite soon as he has more important things to worry about.

"I'm working really hard to finish it up. After that I'm going to focus entirely on finding the island on LOST," said the President. "Don't worry. We'll bring you heros home ... and Desmond."

Monday, August 24, 2009

College Football Preview

The end of August signifies many things such as....... OK we can't think of anything besides the start of college football season. Here at RoofMonkeys, our crack staff of sports reporters have compiled a list of what you need to know for this upcoming season of collegiate pigskin.

-In a coaching change, Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis named his left and right breasts offensive and defensive coordinators. Discouraged by the snub, Charlie Weis' FUPA signs with Fox Sports as a college football analyst.

-West Virginia announced the signing of National Honors Society member Dat Sun Chen. Chen will play reading back and will translate the playbook for illiterate running back Noel Devine. Head Coach Bill Stewart announced that the signing of Chen raised the team GPA to a school record 0.4.

-The BCS competition committee voted to change the post season format. A computer program will be designed to randomly choose which BCS team will be national champion. Another computer program will be designed to kick a representative from the Mountain West Conference in the nuts.

-Hall of Fame Head Coach Lou Holtz will not return to ESPN as a college football analyst. Holtz proved ineffective as an analyst due to insistence that the forward pass was an illegal play. Holtz also regularly referred to cheerleaders as hussies and took naps during the 2nd and 3rd quarters.

-Amidst criticism that the level of competition in the Big Ten Conference was below average, Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delany announced the addition of an eleventh team Gallaudet University. Gallaudet, a renowned school for the deaf, boasts an impeccable road record which is attributed to their silent snap counts.
(Editor's note: There are now twelve, not eleven, teams in the Big Ten. RoofMonkeys was unaware that Indiana had a football team due to decades of obscurity and terribleness.)

-The Florida Gators received a record 58 of 60 first place votes in the Associated Press Preseason Poll. The two dissenting voters were Jay Mariotti who voted for his alma mater, Douchebag University, and Skip Bayless who voted for himself.

-UPDATE: Moments before this article was supposed to be released, sources indicated that West Virginia Freshman Dat Sun Chen was arrested at a strip club on allegations of public intoxication, battery, and illegal possession of a firearm. RB Noel Devine was unable to comment on the situation because no one had read him the news.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Dr. Obama Is In!

Many American’s are up in arms about the current Health Care Reform Bill. While much of this is attributed to idiots like Glenn Beck claiming that helping poor people is un-American (“I was born white, why did he choose not to be”), there are also some controversial policies tucked away in the 1,000+ page report. Roof Monkeys took on the arduous task of reading every last word to find out what has really gotten these people riled up:

- Mandatory dental appointments for all Hillbilly’s, Red Necks, mouth-breathers, inbreds, yokels, country folk, NASCAR fans, and the state of Alabama

- Affirmative Action now applies to doctor’s waiting room

- To save money, hospital gowns will now end at the belly button

- “Free health care for all” actually just 30-day risk-free trial

- Only applies to lower 48 states

- Preexisting conditions now include constipation and hunger

- PhDs will be now serve as surgeons and physicians

- Coverage excludes any Nacho Cheese-related injury

-   No “Death Panels” but there is a Death Panel of One, and it ain’t Jesus. Here’s a hint: He wear’s a turban.


Friday, August 14, 2009

Pitino Scandal Not A First For Coaches

Rick Pitino's extramarital affair with Karen Sypher has brought unwanted publicity upon the University of Louisville. This wasn't the first time a coach has raised headlines and caused headaches for their employers. Roof Monkeys takes a look back at some of the most memorable news worthy moments from head coaches.

-Mistaking them for buffet items, Rick Majerus eats three small children at the St. Louis University basketball team's awards banquet.

-Joe Paterno is caught in the middle of a paternity lawsuit when Roberta McCain, mother of Senator John McClain, claims that Paterno is the true father of her son.

-University of Washington Football Coach Rick Neuheisel foolishly picks 16 seed South Carolina State to upset 1 seed Oklahoma in a 2003 NCCA Basketball Bracket Challenge. Neuheisel is subsequently fired for being terrible at gambling and gambling.

-Bill Belichick is caught taping the season finale of “I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here”

-Pat Summit causes controversy by signing a cross dressing male player to the University of Tennessee's Lady Volunteers basketball team. The player would eventually make it to the WNBA and be the basis for the Academy Award winning documentary, Juwana Mann.

-Bricklayer's Coach Dean Cain of MTV's Rock 'N' Jock Basketball is outcoached by the Violator's Bill Bellamy as Cain opts for a 2-3 zone defense despite the Violator's outside shooting prowess. Marky Mark makes the Bricklayers pay by scoring 33 points in a Violator's victory. Cain is not asked backed as coach the following year and is casted over by some random guy in Superman Returns.

-Golden State Warriors coach PJ Carlissimo irresponsibly puts his neck between Forward Latrell Sprewell's hands resulting in the team losing their star player for the rest of the season.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Hillary Clinton to Negotiate Return of Elian Gonzalez to U.S.

WASHINGTON, DC – In the wake of her husband's negotiated return of two captured American journalists from North Korea, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she would be travelling to Cuba to facilitate the return of former Cuban refugee Elian Gonzalez to the United States. As a child, Gonzalez was the center of a highly publicized international custody battle between family members in the United States and Cuba.

Gonzalez, 15, stated that he has not reached out to Secretary Clinton or has any interest in returning to the United States.

“I am very happy here living with my father in Cuba,” Gonzalez said. “I don't know why the scary pantsuited lady called my father, but my dad said we might be able to meet Bill Clinton which would be muy bueno!”

Many are quesitoning Sec. Clinton's motives for the negotiation. US Weekly reported that a source in Sec. Clinton's inner circle said “This is totally pay back for Bill picking up those two Chinese chicks last week!” Sources also indicated that Sec. Clinton plans on deleting Mr. Clinton's TIVO season passes and flirting with the black guy at work.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Ortiz implicates Theo Epstein in Red Sox steroid scandal

BOSTON, MA – Blame continues to get tossed around after it was revealed that teammates David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez tested positive for PEDs in 2003. David Ortiz recently pointed his finger at the man who hired him, Theo Epstein.

            “I should have seen it coming,” said an angry Ortiz. “Why else would he want to me to eat so many hot dogs prepared by his ‘personal chef.’”

            Ortiz alleges that after being waived by the Twins, Epstein approached him with interest in signing him to the Red Sox.

            “He basically just walked around me a couple of times, saying things like, ‘That frame should hold some muscle,’ and ‘You’re just fat enough to look natural.’ I thought he was just being nice.”

            Ortiz admits that he’s at fault for not realizing it sooner, and not being able to control himself, “I mean these hotdogs were juicy, and huge.”

When he asked why they were so plump, Epstein responded, “They’re just pumped full of love. Love that will make you better and stronger.”

Epstein refused to comment on the allegations stating that he didn’t have the time and we didn’t have the money.

Vick requests to work for PETA's dog-killing department

VIRGINIA – After being informed of his conditional reinstatement to the NFL, Mike Vick said he’d still like to do volunteer work during his free time. Specifically, he would like to work with his main detractor, PETA.

“I am trying very hard to repair my image, and that starts in the community,” said Vick. “I was told that PETA euthanizes thousands of dogs each year so they don’t starve to death … and well, I’m pretty good at killing dogs.”

Since his release from jail, Vick has been worked construction, mentored at a boys and girls club, and is currently helping after school at a local high school. “This is my chance to help the ones that I hurt,” sai

d a remorseful Vick. “You know, by killing them.” After a long pause he added, “So they don’t starve on the streets.”

Our attempts to reach PETA founder Ingrid Newkirk were unsuccessful as she is on her honeymoon with her second husband, Joey, a 6-year-old Cocker Spaniel she met at an anti-fur rally.

Whether or not Vick is able to work with PETA, this initiative is definitely a step in the right direction. More efforts like this, and not being signed by the Cowboys, should help him restore his image as a regular thug, rather than a dog-murdering thug.