Sunday, August 17, 2008

The Six Most Devastating Events in the History of Wisconsin

If you haven’t heard the news, professional liar  football player Brett Favre still has itch to throw some more interceptions and has decided to un-retire.  This story has been beaten to death and then some by the media. Still, there has been minimal coverage of who Favre-Gate is afflicting the most, the people of Wisconsin.  To Cheeseheads Packer Football is an organized religion and Brett Favre is the son of God/Vince Lombardi.  This situation is a huge blow to everything Wisconsinites hold near and dear to their hearts.  This inspired us to crack open the history books and compile a list of the most devastating events in Wisconsin history.


6. The City of Chicago is Founded.


This was a particularly devastating event in Wisconsin’s history.  Scholars agree that Chicago’s founding resulted in the infamous Migration of Hotties, in which all seven of Wisconsin’s attractive women moved south to the newly founded Windy City.  Chicago’s founding also resulted in the city of Milwaukee becoming obsolete save for Bulls and Cubs away games and the Summerfest music festival.



5.  Bambi is Released


Walt Disney’s Bambi was released and loved in 49 out of 50 states.  Although the opening scene where Bambi’s mother is killed by hunters tested well in Wisconsin markets, the rest of the movie (i.e. where Bambi is not killed) was received poorly.  This movie was the inspiration behind the creation of the wildly unsuccessful Wisconsin based Malt Whiskey Studios.  Malt Whiskey became well known for box office busts such as Bambi II: The Hunter Strikes Back, The Little Beermaid, and Gigli.  The movie studio’s failure effectively ended the state’s dream of becoming home to the next Hollywood.



4. Miller Lite’s Secret Ingredient Revealed


On April 12, 1968 Seamus MacArthur Cakes attended the 73rd Annual Thomas Edison Society of Inventors Keg & Hammer Party.  Legend has it, after waking up from a long night of drinking with a dry mouth, Seamus took a drink of what he believed to be beer.  Much to Seamus’ dismay the cup of beer was a pee cup left by a rowdy fellow inventor.  Disgusted by the taste Seamus quickly drank a Miller Lite and noticed a familiar flavor.  Seamus went on to use the secret ingredient to help invent and refine his self named Urinal Cakes.  The State of Wisconsin was devastated that their beloved beer’s secret was revealed and that the rest of the world now knew why Miller Lite tasted like piss.



3. McDonald Closes Rascal Friendly Drive Thru Windows


In a business move that shocked Wisconsinites, McDonald’s decided to close their drive thru windows specially designed to accommodate Rascal scooters.  The innovative windows were test marketed in Wisconsin due to their nation leading Racals Per Capita ratio. The windows were discontinued after ramps allowing people to “scooter” in to the restaurant were found to be more cost effective.  The President of Big-boned Users of Rascals for Getting Equal Rights (BURGER) stated, “This is a devastating day for Rascal users everywhere.  What’s next?  Them making me actually getting up and walking to get my extra value meals?”


2.   Exercise is introduced


May 16, 1932 is a day that will live in infamy in the State of Wisconsin.  The new fad of “exercising” was sweeping across the nation and slowly crept into the Dairy State.  Tensions mounted between the state’s traditional anti-activity faction and a small uprising of pro exercisers.  The standoff peaked at the deadly Kenosha Fun Run where  Anti-activity-ists assaulted participants of the event which promoted happy healthy hearts.  The attack left 56 dead, over 100 wounded, and effectively crushed the short lived exercise revolution.  Governor Jacoby Peabody signed a bill the next day outlawing exercise throughout the state.  The legislation stands to this day although was amended to exclude throwing a football in the parking lot of Lambeau Field.


1.  Supreme Court Overturns Wisconsin’s proposed Food Beer-a-mid


Still recognized as the most devastating event in the State’s 160 year history, the monumental Supreme Court ruling is a dark day for all Cheeseheads.  The tragic event began with Senator Herb Kohl’s proposal to replace the nationally used food pyramid which was despised across the state.  Senator Kohl developed the Food Beer-A-Mid, a revolutionary dietary tool for the state of Wisconsin.  The Beer-a-Mid centered on a large daily intake of the state’s delicacies such as beer, cheese, and sausage while placing less of an emphasis on traditional health foods (i.e. fruits and vegetables).  When school districts across the state adopted the new dietary plan, legal battles ensued over whether children should be allowed to intake beer as part of their daily nutrition.  The case made it to the Supreme Court where it was immediately ruled unconstitutional.




                                                water          fruit

                                    cheese           beer                sausage


Wednesday, August 13, 2008

NFL Power Rankings

  1. New England Patriots – They may have overcome spygate, but it’ll be interesting to see if they can stop vomiting after viewing Bill Belichick’s sex tape.

  1. Indianapolis Colts – With Marvin Harrison finally healthy, the Colts hope to successfully implement a new Carwash Shotgun offense.

  1. San Diego Chargers – After last years crushing loss, Norv Turner is on the hot seat. Although to be fair his seat is actually on fire, along with the training facility and several players’ homes.

  1. Dallas Cowboys – Who says Pacman’s not a team player? He ordered his posse to paralyze T.O. so he can’t walk to the medicine cabinet.

  1. Jacksonville Jaguars – We’re obligated to rank the Jaguars, but nobody really cares about them. Well, the city of Jacksonville cares about them, but people care even less about them. Get destroyed by a hurricane or something, then we’ll talk.
  1. New York Giants – Eli Manning’s goal last year was to earn the respect of his teammates, and he did it. His goal this year is finally go through puberty.

  1. Pittsburgh Steelers – Pittsburgh’s love of Ben Rothlisberger has straddled the line between gay and straight. His jersey sales have officially eclipsed jean shorts and chew.
  1. Green Bay Packers – After all the drama, this is a great opportunity for Aaron Rodgers. He feels as giddy as Mark Chmura during prom season.
  1. Buffalo Bills – It’s cold, they always lose and the average length of a girl’s period in Buffalo is 8 months. The least we could do was give them some hope.
  1. Seattle Seahawks – Mike Holmgren is hoping to finish his last season on a high note. Then he can happily lay on a Seattle pier and grow out his tusks.
  1. Cleveland Browns – This season will probably come down to them solving the quarterback controversy. Is Brady Quinn gay?
  1. Minnesota Vikings ­– Adrien Peterson broke the single game rushing record with 296 yards. Though impressive its merely the average weight for a Minnesotan woman.
  1. New Orleans Saints – The injury to Duece McCallister has left the New Orleans offense more depleted than, well, New Orleans.
  1. Philadelphia Eagles – It’s all about Donovan McNabb staying healthy. Of course that’s like asking Andy Reid to stay away from a second cheese steak.
  1. Tennessee Titans – It appears as though Vince Young is improving, still, he did score a 6 out of 50 on the Wanderlic test. Then again, his retard strength may come in handy.
  1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – They made the playoffs last year despite having Buttfuck McSodomy behind center. If they want to take it to the next level they’ll have to cut down on the “delay of gays” penalties.
  1. Washington Redskins – Coming into the season the Redskins appear invigorated by their playoff run. Though their lagging secondary could use a shot in the leg.
  1. Arizona Cardinals – Fans shouldn’t worry about those photos of Matt Leinart partying this off-season. He’s the only person to score in a Cardinal’s jersey in years.
  1. Houston Texans – Though they’re 19th in the power rankings, they’re #1 in least original team name.
  1. Carolina Panthers – See Jacksonville Jaguars.
  1. Baltimore Ravens ­– With Steve McNair now retired Joe Flacco will have to learn how to drive drunk and conceal a gun from another team veteran. Luckily, Ray Lewis still holds his annual “Chili Cook-off and Sucka Stab-a-thon.”
  1. Denver Broncos – The departure of Javon Walker may help to sweeten the locker room atmosphere in Denver. Hopefully for Jay Cutler’s sake it’s not too sweet.
  1. New York Jets – Interesting fact, New Jersey only smells the way it does because the Jets play there. Oh and the trash. By that I mean their fans.
  1. Cincinnati Bengals – The Bengals are hoping to make the playoffs for the first time since 2005. Unless you count the 2006 Hamilton County Prison Championship.
  1. Chicago Bears – Choosing between Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton is like choosing between herpes simplex 1 and herpes simplex 2.
  1. St. Louis Rams – It’s tough to win when your No. 1 receiver refers to your coach as a whipper-snapper and complains about the younger players stepping on his lawn.
  1. Oakland Raiders – You may have thought JaMarcus Russell’s holdout for more cash lasted a while, but it’ll be nothing compared to his holdout for success.
  1. San Francisco 49ers – The only reason Mike Nolan wears a suit on the sidelines is because he’s witnessing his coaching career die every Sunday.
  1. Detroit Lions ­– The team is just plain terrible and they have the only stadium heated by trashcan fires and old starter jackets.
  1. Kansas City Chiefs – Brody Croyle is looking forward to this season. Not for the opportunity to start but because Larry Johnson told him he’d teach him to talk to girls.
  1. Miami Dolphins – Say what you want about the quarterback situation in Miami, but they’re still on pace to match Hall of Famer Dan Marino’s Superbowl victory total.
32. Atlanta Falcons – They’ve got a tough season ahead relying on rookie signal caller Matt Ryan. Sadly he’s more nervous than Michael Vick at a dog show.