Sunday, August 17, 2008

The Six Most Devastating Events in the History of Wisconsin

If you haven’t heard the news, professional liar  football player Brett Favre still has itch to throw some more interceptions and has decided to un-retire.  This story has been beaten to death and then some by the media. Still, there has been minimal coverage of who Favre-Gate is afflicting the most, the people of Wisconsin.  To Cheeseheads Packer Football is an organized religion and Brett Favre is the son of God/Vince Lombardi.  This situation is a huge blow to everything Wisconsinites hold near and dear to their hearts.  This inspired us to crack open the history books and compile a list of the most devastating events in Wisconsin history.


6. The City of Chicago is Founded.


This was a particularly devastating event in Wisconsin’s history.  Scholars agree that Chicago’s founding resulted in the infamous Migration of Hotties, in which all seven of Wisconsin’s attractive women moved south to the newly founded Windy City.  Chicago’s founding also resulted in the city of Milwaukee becoming obsolete save for Bulls and Cubs away games and the Summerfest music festival.



5.  Bambi is Released


Walt Disney’s Bambi was released and loved in 49 out of 50 states.  Although the opening scene where Bambi’s mother is killed by hunters tested well in Wisconsin markets, the rest of the movie (i.e. where Bambi is not killed) was received poorly.  This movie was the inspiration behind the creation of the wildly unsuccessful Wisconsin based Malt Whiskey Studios.  Malt Whiskey became well known for box office busts such as Bambi II: The Hunter Strikes Back, The Little Beermaid, and Gigli.  The movie studio’s failure effectively ended the state’s dream of becoming home to the next Hollywood.



4. Miller Lite’s Secret Ingredient Revealed


On April 12, 1968 Seamus MacArthur Cakes attended the 73rd Annual Thomas Edison Society of Inventors Keg & Hammer Party.  Legend has it, after waking up from a long night of drinking with a dry mouth, Seamus took a drink of what he believed to be beer.  Much to Seamus’ dismay the cup of beer was a pee cup left by a rowdy fellow inventor.  Disgusted by the taste Seamus quickly drank a Miller Lite and noticed a familiar flavor.  Seamus went on to use the secret ingredient to help invent and refine his self named Urinal Cakes.  The State of Wisconsin was devastated that their beloved beer’s secret was revealed and that the rest of the world now knew why Miller Lite tasted like piss.



3. McDonald Closes Rascal Friendly Drive Thru Windows


In a business move that shocked Wisconsinites, McDonald’s decided to close their drive thru windows specially designed to accommodate Rascal scooters.  The innovative windows were test marketed in Wisconsin due to their nation leading Racals Per Capita ratio. The windows were discontinued after ramps allowing people to “scooter” in to the restaurant were found to be more cost effective.  The President of Big-boned Users of Rascals for Getting Equal Rights (BURGER) stated, “This is a devastating day for Rascal users everywhere.  What’s next?  Them making me actually getting up and walking to get my extra value meals?”


2.   Exercise is introduced


May 16, 1932 is a day that will live in infamy in the State of Wisconsin.  The new fad of “exercising” was sweeping across the nation and slowly crept into the Dairy State.  Tensions mounted between the state’s traditional anti-activity faction and a small uprising of pro exercisers.  The standoff peaked at the deadly Kenosha Fun Run where  Anti-activity-ists assaulted participants of the event which promoted happy healthy hearts.  The attack left 56 dead, over 100 wounded, and effectively crushed the short lived exercise revolution.  Governor Jacoby Peabody signed a bill the next day outlawing exercise throughout the state.  The legislation stands to this day although was amended to exclude throwing a football in the parking lot of Lambeau Field.


1.  Supreme Court Overturns Wisconsin’s proposed Food Beer-a-mid


Still recognized as the most devastating event in the State’s 160 year history, the monumental Supreme Court ruling is a dark day for all Cheeseheads.  The tragic event began with Senator Herb Kohl’s proposal to replace the nationally used food pyramid which was despised across the state.  Senator Kohl developed the Food Beer-A-Mid, a revolutionary dietary tool for the state of Wisconsin.  The Beer-a-Mid centered on a large daily intake of the state’s delicacies such as beer, cheese, and sausage while placing less of an emphasis on traditional health foods (i.e. fruits and vegetables).  When school districts across the state adopted the new dietary plan, legal battles ensued over whether children should be allowed to intake beer as part of their daily nutrition.  The case made it to the Supreme Court where it was immediately ruled unconstitutional.




                                                water          fruit

                                    cheese           beer                sausage



KP said...

I think that you really missed out on the Dells being, longer being there. The new title should be, "The Seven Wonders of Wisconsin: The Descent."

A Roof Monkey said...

That might require our readers to do extra research into what the Wisconsin Dells actually are. We feel just reading about the state might be asking a little much.

Adam L said...

Hey don't pick on Wisconsin I got the best lap dance of my life at some gross titty bar in Somerset in rural Sconi. I was licking her cesarean scar and there was a twelve year old kid in the room for some reason. It cost $10 and it was worth every penny.