Wednesday, August 13, 2008

NFL Power Rankings

  1. New England Patriots – They may have overcome spygate, but it’ll be interesting to see if they can stop vomiting after viewing Bill Belichick’s sex tape.

  1. Indianapolis Colts – With Marvin Harrison finally healthy, the Colts hope to successfully implement a new Carwash Shotgun offense.

  1. San Diego Chargers – After last years crushing loss, Norv Turner is on the hot seat. Although to be fair his seat is actually on fire, along with the training facility and several players’ homes.

  1. Dallas Cowboys – Who says Pacman’s not a team player? He ordered his posse to paralyze T.O. so he can’t walk to the medicine cabinet.

  1. Jacksonville Jaguars – We’re obligated to rank the Jaguars, but nobody really cares about them. Well, the city of Jacksonville cares about them, but people care even less about them. Get destroyed by a hurricane or something, then we’ll talk.
  1. New York Giants – Eli Manning’s goal last year was to earn the respect of his teammates, and he did it. His goal this year is finally go through puberty.

  1. Pittsburgh Steelers – Pittsburgh’s love of Ben Rothlisberger has straddled the line between gay and straight. His jersey sales have officially eclipsed jean shorts and chew.
  1. Green Bay Packers – After all the drama, this is a great opportunity for Aaron Rodgers. He feels as giddy as Mark Chmura during prom season.
  1. Buffalo Bills – It’s cold, they always lose and the average length of a girl’s period in Buffalo is 8 months. The least we could do was give them some hope.
  1. Seattle Seahawks – Mike Holmgren is hoping to finish his last season on a high note. Then he can happily lay on a Seattle pier and grow out his tusks.
  1. Cleveland Browns – This season will probably come down to them solving the quarterback controversy. Is Brady Quinn gay?
  1. Minnesota Vikings ­– Adrien Peterson broke the single game rushing record with 296 yards. Though impressive its merely the average weight for a Minnesotan woman.
  1. New Orleans Saints – The injury to Duece McCallister has left the New Orleans offense more depleted than, well, New Orleans.
  1. Philadelphia Eagles – It’s all about Donovan McNabb staying healthy. Of course that’s like asking Andy Reid to stay away from a second cheese steak.
  1. Tennessee Titans – It appears as though Vince Young is improving, still, he did score a 6 out of 50 on the Wanderlic test. Then again, his retard strength may come in handy.
  1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – They made the playoffs last year despite having Buttfuck McSodomy behind center. If they want to take it to the next level they’ll have to cut down on the “delay of gays” penalties.
  1. Washington Redskins – Coming into the season the Redskins appear invigorated by their playoff run. Though their lagging secondary could use a shot in the leg.
  1. Arizona Cardinals – Fans shouldn’t worry about those photos of Matt Leinart partying this off-season. He’s the only person to score in a Cardinal’s jersey in years.
  1. Houston Texans – Though they’re 19th in the power rankings, they’re #1 in least original team name.
  1. Carolina Panthers – See Jacksonville Jaguars.
  1. Baltimore Ravens ­– With Steve McNair now retired Joe Flacco will have to learn how to drive drunk and conceal a gun from another team veteran. Luckily, Ray Lewis still holds his annual “Chili Cook-off and Sucka Stab-a-thon.”
  1. Denver Broncos – The departure of Javon Walker may help to sweeten the locker room atmosphere in Denver. Hopefully for Jay Cutler’s sake it’s not too sweet.
  1. New York Jets – Interesting fact, New Jersey only smells the way it does because the Jets play there. Oh and the trash. By that I mean their fans.
  1. Cincinnati Bengals – The Bengals are hoping to make the playoffs for the first time since 2005. Unless you count the 2006 Hamilton County Prison Championship.
  1. Chicago Bears – Choosing between Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton is like choosing between herpes simplex 1 and herpes simplex 2.
  1. St. Louis Rams – It’s tough to win when your No. 1 receiver refers to your coach as a whipper-snapper and complains about the younger players stepping on his lawn.
  1. Oakland Raiders – You may have thought JaMarcus Russell’s holdout for more cash lasted a while, but it’ll be nothing compared to his holdout for success.
  1. San Francisco 49ers – The only reason Mike Nolan wears a suit on the sidelines is because he’s witnessing his coaching career die every Sunday.
  1. Detroit Lions ­– The team is just plain terrible and they have the only stadium heated by trashcan fires and old starter jackets.
  1. Kansas City Chiefs – Brody Croyle is looking forward to this season. Not for the opportunity to start but because Larry Johnson told him he’d teach him to talk to girls.
  1. Miami Dolphins – Say what you want about the quarterback situation in Miami, but they’re still on pace to match Hall of Famer Dan Marino’s Superbowl victory total.
32. Atlanta Falcons – They’ve got a tough season ahead relying on rookie signal caller Matt Ryan. Sadly he’s more nervous than Michael Vick at a dog show.

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