Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Andy Reid to undergo experimental weight surgery

In the wake of Jets’ head coach Rex Ryan’s decision to undergo weight reduction surgery, Philadelphia Eagles' head coach Andy Reid announced he too would undergo surgery.

Rather than getting his stomach stapled or banded, Reid will have a considerable amount of fat removed from his stomach … and placed on his ass.

“My decision to go through with this risky surgery was a tough one,” said Reid at a press conference. “However, in recent years I have experienced extreme difficulty and pain when sitting down or standing up. Hopefully this procedure will correct that.”

While most people expected Reid to announce he would undergo surgery to lose weight, this procedure would actually make it easier for him to gain weight. By removing fat from his stomach and moving it to his ass, Reid will be able to “sit down” simply by leaning backwards. When he wants to stand up, he can easily roll forward, easing the pressure on his joints and heart.

“Hopefully, I’ll now be able to walk up to the buffet, then instantly sit down and start feeding,” grumbled a drooling Reid. “And on the sidelines I can post up at the 50-yard line and just swivel. It’ll do wonders for my clock management.”

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Bills having trouble finding new coach

BUFFALO, NY – With the recent firing of head coach Dick Jauron, the Buffalo Bills immediately began searching for a replacement coach. Believing this to be the last head coach he would hire, 92 year-old owner Ralph Wilson wanted to make the right choice.

“I am going to do everything within my power to get the right coach and bring a championship to Buffalo,” said Wilson at a press conference. “Unfortunately, every coach we’ve contacted is currently out to lunch and has yet to return our calls.”

Sources throughout the league have named Mike Shannahan, Bill Cowher, and Jon Gruden as coaches already contacted by the Bills.

“We have indeed contacted some big name coaches to fill the position,” said Bills C.O.O. Russ Brandon. “We’re still waiting to hear back. Mike [Shannahan] has been at lunch for about 140 hours. Of course if I were retired I’d take long lunches too.”

Roof Monkeys called Coach Shannahan yesterday for comment. He picked up on the first ring and had this to say, “Oh yeah, basically my phone is real messed up. I can get calls and stuff, but I can’t make them. So I can’t call them back, they just have to call and hope I’m around. If you can tell them that, I’d really appreciate it.”

Buffalo has not made the playoffs in over decade. After an exciting off-season including the signing of volatile WR Terrell Owens, the Bills have earned a 3-7 record, leading to the firing of coach Dick Jauron.

As of press time, the Bills are still awaiting friend confirmation from Mike Holmgren and are holding talks about poking him.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

NFL Week 6 Picks

We know, we know. You’ve been waiting all week for our picks so you can call your bookie. Well don’t you worry, they are here. Just like the gas company, we like to keep you waiting to the very last minute. So without further ado, here are the Roof Monkey’s picks for week 6 of this NFL season. (Home teams in CAPS)

CINCINNATI BENGALS –5.5 Houston Texans

In order to avoid a blackout, Motorola purchased over 1,500 tickets to this Sunday’s game. They’ve enlisted Chad Ochocinco to help hand them out. This may be the first time a pedestrian actually keeps the piece of paper handed to them by the Black Mexican on the corner.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Cincinnati Bengals

WASHINGTON REDSKINS – 6.5 Kansas City Chiefs

Let’s face it, the Redskins suck. They’re probably better than the Chiefs, but that doesn’t say much. Last week they handed the woeful Panthers their first win of the season and they get to face another hopeless team this week. Look for them to follow in Obama’s bailout footsteps and hand the pathetic Chiefs a meaningless win.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Boring

PITTSBURGH STEELERS – 14 Cleveland Browns

In hopes of building off of last week’s ugly victory against the Bills, the Browns come into Pittsburgh with more confidence than ever. After completing just two passes last week, starting quarterback Derek Anderson hopes to up his completions to match Ben Roethlisberger’s pending sexual harassment lawsuits.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Pittsburgh Steelers

MINNESOTA VIKINGS – 3 Baltimore Ravens

Brett Favre turned 40 this weekend. Is there any better way to celebrate your birthday by playing the game you love while 2 old white men suck your dick from a booth 500ft away? I guess making them gargle “He’s just having fun out there” is a nice touch.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Birthday Boy


It’s funny. Not only do the UFL’s Florida Tuskers have as many televised games as the Jaguars (zero). They also have the same amount of NFL caliber players (zero). I doubt the refs even show up for this one.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: St. Louis Limbaughs

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS – 3 New York Giants

This game all comes down to the quarterbacks. Can Drew Brees handle the Giants impress blitz? And can Eli Manning overcome the temptation of tranny hookers on Bourbon Street? We weren’t aware this was a problem until we spoke to Jeremy Shockey, who assured us that his former quarterback was a “total fucking faggot.”

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: New Orleans Saints

Carolina Panthers – 3 TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

Raheem Morris has two choices. Either make his mark in the win column, or make his mark in the history books be being the first black head coach to lose every game.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Carolina Panthers

GREEN BAY PACKERS – 14 Detroit Lions

Still reeling from a tough loss to former Green Bay demigod Brett Favre, Packer’s fans and players are grateful for their schedule. They’ll be sure to take full advantage of this bye week and rest up physically and emotionally.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Green Bay Packers

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES - 14 Oakland Raiders

This is going to be a rough one for Oakland. Owner Al Davis will spend the entire afternoon wondering how two brothers can play the same position and look so much a like but still perform so differently on the field.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Andy Reid’s BBQ

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS - 3 Arizona Cardinals

Arizona’s locker hasn’t been able to focus all week after an awkward encounter between stud WR Larry Fitzgerald and backup QB Matt Leinart. Mistaking Fitzgerald for a woman, Leinart aggressively approached him from behind in the shower in hopes of crossing “Ebony Princess” off of his sexual bucket list.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Fitzgerald getting tested for STDs

NEW YORK JETS – 9.5 Buffalo Bills

After last week’s loss against the Dolphins, Jets coach Rex Ryan said that his defense made Chad Henne look like Dan Marino. To avoid any comparisons to Jim Kelly, Rex Ryan visited the home of Trent Edwards and proceed to swallow his Chocolate Lab in one bite.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Indigestion and a call from PETA

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS - 9.5 Tennessee Titans

This week we see the return of LB Junior Seau. In hopes of getting some extra help on defense, the Patriots asked Seau to bring some Tijuana Gold Tequilla to throw Lendalle White and Kerry Collins off the wagon again.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: 12 more steps

ATLANTA FALCONS - 3 Chicago Bears

Hoping to avoid another situation like when he commented on Denver fans, QB Jay Cutler remained silent when asked about TO trade rumors. Rather than saying “no comment” he simply receded into his neck folds and held out until the reporters left him alone.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Hotlanta

SAN DIEGO – 4.5 Denver Broncos

After beating mentor Bill Belichick last weekend, 33 year-old head coach Josh McDaniel’s confidence is at an all time high. So high in fact, that he’s going to be calling his teams offensive plays this week … all by himself!!

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Orton’s beardlike facial hair

Friday, October 9, 2009

Week 5 Picks

It's gambling time! We are a quarter of the way through the regular season, and you know what that means! There's only 12 weeks left to build on your already massive gambling debt that will eventually destroy your life! Here's the picks and as always the home teams are in CAPS.

New England Patriots -3.5 DENVER BRONCOS
With so much on the line for Bill Belichick has gone to new lengths to protect his quarterback and beat his old protégé. He found out that according to the new rules, a penalty will be assessed if a member of Broncos hits Tom Brady’s knee, knee brace, oxygen machine, clown shoe, paparazzi, or tampon string. Since Brady brings all that and a small dog, he should be seeing yellow all day.

Roof Monkeys Pick: New England

BALTIMORE RAVENS -8.5 Cincinnati Bengals
Stabbings, drug deals, carjackings, fires ... and that’s just the players parking long. These AFC North rivals (why not?) are fighting for division supremacy and showertime anal virginity. Expect some tears and tear tattoos in the Ravens locker room. Cincinnati rolls.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Cincinnati

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS -2.5 Atlanta Falcons
Michael Crabtree has signed. He totally worked the 49ers. Not only did they not cave in to his demands, but he alienated his coach and teammates. Luckily they’re 0-4 and in desperate need of a playmaker. Oh wait, Crabtree’s just a whiny little bitch. Congrats 49ers, enjoy Braylon Edwards II.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Atlanta

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS -.5 Jacksonville Jaguars
Word is Matt Hasselbeck is set to return this week. Luckily the Roof Monkeys’ pick is already locked with this spread. You bet you’re ass we’ll be part of the 13th man this weekend. Oh, if you’re wondering they had to make the fans the 13th man to make room for Mike Holmgren.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Seattle

ARIZONA CARDINALS - 5.5 Houston Texans
The threat of another possible blackout looms over the Cardinals organization coming into Sunday’s game. I guess making the Super Bowl wasn’t enough. Of course, if they do get blacked out, the network will probably make more money off of advertising during Matlock. Although, that might distract Kurt Warner

Roof Monkeys Pick: Arizona

Indianapolis Colts - 3.5 TENNESSEE TITANS
Let’s be honest people, we all expected Peyton Manning to do well. What we didn’t expect, was a team with a alcoholic quarterback, no WRs known outside the locker room, a RB who lost weight by not drinking Petron, and no run defense to be 0-4. I mean, where did that come from.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Indianapolis

New York Jets - 1.5 MIAMI DOLPHINS
Rex Ryan recently said that he regretted talking trash with Miami LB Channing Crowder in the preseason. He said it was a complete misunderstanding. He wasn’t talking trash to Channing Crowder, he thought they said Clam Chowder. When he believed that Clam Chowder would say such hurtful things, after all the love he’s given it, well he just didn’t know what to do.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Miami

BUFFALO BILLS –6.5 Cleveland Browns
The Browns secured their first victory of the season when they were able to trade Braylon Edwards to the Jets for someone not named Braylon Edwards. Despite a successful week 4 against the Bengals, Browns fans are hoping WR Mohamed Massquoi can fill Edwards role of dropping every ball and punching out friends of LeBron James.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Buffalo Bills

Pittsburgh Steelers -10.5 DETROIT LIONS
Detroit has had a rough week that featured the Tigers losing Game 163 to the Twins and starting QB Matthew Stafford injuring his knee against the Bears. Things will only get worse as Roof Monkey Economists anticipate the city of Detroit's high unemployment rate to increase after QB Ben Roethlisberger gets half the wait staff at Sizzler fired for carding an underaged woman at his table.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Pittsburgh Steelers

Dallas Cowboys - 8.5 KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
The debate brewing in Dallas has been whether QB Tony Romo should tone down his gunslinging style of play and attempt to only manage the game. The debate brewing in Kansas City has been whether QB Matt Cassell should tone down his horrific style of play and attempt to only not lose every fucking game he starts.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Dallas Cowboys

Minnesota Vikings –10.5 ST. LOUIS RAMS
The big news in St. Louis was conservative radio show host Rush Limbaugh making a pitch to buy the Rams. In an attempt to gain support, Limbaugh is planning to leave painkillers from his personal stash in Brett Favre's locker in hopes the Rams will pull the upset if the gunslinger is reacquainted with an old friend.

Roof Monkeys Pick: St. Louis Rams

NEW YORK GIANTS -16.5 Oakland Raiders
If Eli Manning is shelved with his heel injury we could see the "Shitty #1 Overall Draft Pick QB Bowl" starring JaMarcus Russell and David Carr. Who will toss more picks? Who will overthrow more receivers? To pick the less shitty of these two shitty QBs we turned to the wise man Sean Combs who said "Mo Money Mo Problems". Sorry JaMarcus your shittiness is amplified by your shitty contract.

Roof Monkeys Pick: New York Giants

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES -13.5 Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Eagles have plenty of talent under center with Donny McNabb returning from injury this week. The only positive we could find about Bucs starting QB Josh Johnson is that he's Marshawn Lynch's cousin. No word on if Beast Mode is hereditary, so we'll stick with the Eagles.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Philadelphia Eagles

CAROLINA PANTHERS -3.5 Washington Redskins
Instead of acknowledging this terrible game is actually taking place we would rather handicap the WNBA Finals. We like the Phoenix Mercury over the Indiana umm Pacerettes? due to the Mercury having more lesbians. And not the hot lesbians, the kind that are really good at guy stuff, like basketball.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Phoenix Mercury

Thursday, October 8, 2009

MLB Owners approve sale of Cubs to debilitating disease

CHICAGO - All 32 Major League Baseball owners chose to approve the sale of the Chicago Cubs from the Tribune Co. to the bone-afflicting disorder Rickets.

“It’s only natural that the Cubs be sold to a disorder that brings so little to hope to those

afflicted,” said MLB Commissioner Bud Selig.

Best known for the longest championship drought in sports history (which now stands at 101 years), the

Cubs are still a financially successful franchise.

Wrigley Field consistently sells out games every summer, and millions of fans flock to root on the “lovable losers.”

“I think it’s really fitting that Rickets bought the Cubs,” said lifelong fan Fred McGee. “Not having the strength to shoulder any pressure really epitomizes this team.”

Rickets is a disease that weakens the bones due to lack of vitamins, usually cause by famine or starvation. And with the trophy case in its current state, it’s really a wonder that the Cubs are standing at all.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Week 4 Picks

While everyone else was in church Sunday morning we were meticulously going over our Week 4 picks. While we're burning in eternal damnation enjoy this invaluable gambling advice. Home teams are in caps.

Oakland Raiders +8.5 HOUSTON TEXANS
Here's a way to make Raiders games semi-watchable, guess which week JaMarcus Russell's QB rating, completion percentage, or body fat percentage breaks 40.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Houston Texans and body fat

The key number for this match up is 3. The Titans at 0-3 have already amassed as many losses this year as they had all of last season. The Jaguars are expecting a franchise record high 3 fans at their next game after Jack Del Rio guilt tripped his family into "finally seeing where Daddy works".

Roof Monkeys Pick: Jacksonville Jaguars

Baltimore Ravens +1.5 NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
The Ravens prepared for this matchup by dismantling former Patriots coordinator Eric Mangini's Cleveland Browns last week. Unfortunately for Baltimore, Bill Belichick only taught Mangini how to be an insufferable prick and nothing about football.

Roof Monkeys Pick: New England Patriots

Cincinnati Bengals -6 CLEVELAND BROWNS
In the most puzzling personnel move since Michael Brown was named FEMA, the Browns penciled Derek Anderson in as starting QB despite tossing 3 picks last week. Luckily Cleveland is already a shithole so it won't be as big of a deal when Anderson screws up.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Cincinnati Bengals

The Chiefs offseason consisted of bringing in GM Scott Pioli, LB Mike Vrabel and spending $63M on QB Matt Cassel. The Giants offseason consisted of Plaxico Burress getting arrested on a firearm offense. The lesson learned is the key to running a successful franchise is having your star player go to prison for shooting himself in the leg.

Roof Monkeys Pick: New York Giants

Detroit Lions +10 CHICAGO BEARS
Coming off their first win in 20 games, the city of Detroit is riding high. Detroit looks to capitalize on Chicago's failure to secure the Olympics by putting a bid in for the 2020 games. Expect the bid to include a proposal for new events including the 100m abandoned car hurdles, a panhandling marathon, and 4x400m hobo relay.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Detroit Lions

Tampa Bay Buccaneers +7.5 WASHINGTON REDSKINS
In this week's Who Gives A Shit Bowl, the winless Buccaneers travel to our nation's capital to meet the only team to lose to the Lions in nearly two years. We'll go with the Buccaneers because their mascot is less racist.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Seattle Seahawks +10 INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
You don't need to look any further than the QB matchup in this game. Seahawks QB Seneca Wallace has 24 career touchdown passes. Colts QB Peyton Manning has 24 shitty commercials on television right now. Parlay the Colts with the over on how many times you are forced to watch his Oreo commercials.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Indianapolis Colts

Everyone is excited for the new look New York Jets, rookie QB Matt Sanchez has led the Jets to an impressive 3-0 start. We are more excited for the possibility of head coach Rex Ryan growing a mustache so we can recycle all of our Mike Holmgren jokes.

Roof Monkeys Pick: New York Jets

Picking a starting QB out of Chad Henne, Pat White, and Tyler Thigpen is like picking what to eat at an Old Country Buffet. If their season goes anything like our last trip to OCB, Dolphins fans should prepare themselves for a season of vomiting, diarrhea, and stomach cramps.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Buffalo Bills

St. Louis Rams +9.5 SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
The 49ers were one miracle throw away from pulling a major upset in Minnesota last week. The Rams were 10 players away from us being able to name their starting offense. We could never forget Steven Jackson, he's still on the team right?

Roof Monkeys Pick: San Francisco 49ers

Dallas Cowboys -3 DENVER BRONCOS
Bronco fans expected a downgrade in QB play when Kyle Orton replaced Jay Cutler. However, Orton has less interceptions, a higher QB rating, and doesn't make you want to punch him in the face as much.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Denver Broncos

San Diego Chargers +6.5 PITTSBURGH STEELERS
The Steelers are in unfamiliar territory at 1-2 and third place in the AFC North. Chargers fans traveling to Pittsburgh will be in unfamiliar territory when they realize their are no women under 200 lbs. We don't think the Chargers are into "goin' hoggin'" so they should be distraction free.

Roof Monkeys Pick: San Diego Chargers

Green Bay Packers +4 MINNESOTA VIKINGS
Every television set in Wisconsin will be tuned to Monday Night Football to see Brett Favre's first game against his former team. Network executives expect the state's highest television ratings since the infamous "nipple slip" episode of The Biggest Loser.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Minnesota Vikings