Thursday, July 31, 2008

Obama's "Short List"

As the general election draws closer both candidates are vetting their potential VPs in order to make the right choice. Today we look at a couple of people we feel would help Barrack Obama win the White House.

Hillary Clinton - She'll bring over 18 million voters with her to the polls. But he'll constantly be reminding her who wears the pants suit in the relationship.

Larry Bird - Basketball jesus. Reaffirms the black thing, tones down the muslim thing, appeases the hillbillies, I mean America's hardworking Heartland.
Al Gore - Brings eight years of VP experience and Darrell Hammond is still on SNL to do impressions of him. Though he'd probably nag Barrack to trade in Air Force One for a Prius.

Batman - Takes a hard stance on crime, and could probably replace the need for the Secret Service. However, the Batsuit might not mesh with the humid DC summers and he's probably killed too many people to be VP...or not enough.

John McCain - Once a maverick, McCain will now do anything for publicity and some tapioca pudding. It might be tough to get him as Michelle Obama reminds him of the nurse who took his watch.

Arnold Schwarzenegger - Very good with environmental issues, but isn't well versed in playing a supporting role. His partners have a history of being killed by his enemies.

Tony Parker - Pure point guard who can penetrate the lane and dish to Obama for open looks beyond the arc. He also strengthens Obama's international presence. But he's from France where they still do this.

Heath Ledger - So hot right now. Plus he won't fall asleep during congressional meetings...unless he wants to. Too soon?

Bill Richardson - Total package. He speaks spanish and he's white, a lethal combination. It's like belonging to a country club, but still having inside jokes with the landscapers.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Canseco starts tell-all blog

In his latest attempt to be an asshole, Jose Canseco has launched a tell-all blog,  Intended to out more athletes as steroid users, the blog fails to deliver as a trustworthy source. Though many of Canseco's past accusations have proved true, his current stories of steroid abuse seem to be completely fabricated. In a post on June 23rd, while apparently reading through the Rays roster, Canseco admits to doing steroids with a then 12-year-old Evan Longoria.

"Lets see. Evan Longoria, oh man, this kid has been using for years. I was out in Cali meeting with Little Leaguers to discuss the dangers of doing steriods. While I'm talking I see this one kid who's clearly not buying what I'm selling. So after I'm done speaking I decide to test him. I take him behind the snackbar and ask him if he wants the truth. Of course he says yes, so I break out a syringe and some juice. He cautiously asked what'll happen, so I tell him the only answer. 'Your dreams will become reality," then jammed a needle into his thigh. The rest is history.”

Aside from claiming that 95% of all athletes have done steroids, Canseco also makes claims that some of the mascots in professional sports are juicing.

“You think Bonds has a big head? Have you seen Mr. Met. That’s the guy that put Radmonski on the map. Have you seen him pump up those fans and take pictures with kids? Where do you think all that energy comes from? It’s not Wheaties.”

Canseco's blog also delves into his own personal dilemmas and apparently ongoing steroid use. In one recent post he discusses his decision to defend Roger Clemens. After admitting he's lying, the post digresses into the first captured incident of roid-rage on a blog.

  "Man, this Roger thing is really getting to me. I mean, yeah, it's fun to mix everything up and defend one of my oldest juicing buddies, but I just want to out him so badly. But the thing is, every word I've spoken up until this has been true, so they have no choice but to believe me. Those morons can't deny my superior knowledge of the steroid underworld. My case is fuckin bulletproof. You know what else is bulletproof? These fuckin pecs! Yeah baby, you like that. I don't use that HGH pansy shit they give to your grandma for wrinkles. FUCK THAT SHIT! FUCK IT!! I GO STRAIGHT EIGHTIES STYLE! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! All these fucking losers today, using steroids to get healthly. Why doesn't your fucking boyfriend take care of you? I use steroids to go to the top. I'm bigger than you, stronger. I can type faster than you. You can't blog like this! My fuckin blog is out of fucking control!"

While this would certainly be case for discussion, it won't take place on Canseco's message boards. This is due to his warning that "Any pussies who think I'm wrong will be beaten." In addition to daily blog posts the site offers a text message newsletter telling you which athlete in the news that morning was "totally a juicer." 


Sunday, July 27, 2008

Who's Better


Who’s better!?!?

Each week we will take a look at how the who’s who of the world stack-up against each other in the topics that matter most to you.  This week we turn to the 2008 Presidential Election.  In the coming months, we’ll hear plenty about McCain and Obama’s poilicies, but how do they compare in a long night of drunkenness and debauchery?  We break down the candidates in five distinct categories and find out WHO IS BETTER!



McCain: I might just have to forfeit this point. Without going to a bar, McCain passes out promptly at 7:30 PM everynight after listening to his favorite radio dramas from Orsen Welles’s Mercury Theater on Air. I can only imagine he’d fall asleep before the bartender could pour an entire glass of Guinness. You may have to start ordering Vodka Redbulls (with the permission of his doctor of course) to keep him awake. However, if he is awake, he may just put you to sleep.

Obama: Obama has the lungs and the liver to go all night.  Thanks to the media’s 24/7 coverage his daily trips to the gym (the dude’s got a sick jumpshot) we know BO is in shape to go the distance.  Couple this with his “secret” love of cigarettes, which are a performance enhancing drug in the drinking world and you have a presidential candidate oozing with drinking upside.  There’s no doubt that Barack will be grabbing Taco Bell fourth meal at 3:30 in the morning. SI SE PUEDE!


Verdict: OBAMA!



McCain: McCain’s the darkhorse in this category. You can take several angles here that’ll lead to success. First, he’s a war hero, who gets more respect than them (when they’re in front of your face)? Nobody. Make him wear his old uniform and ladies will be storming you like the beach at Normandy. Second, use the old “My grandma just passed and I’m spending some quality time with pops here.” Tugs at heartstrings and lets you leave early with a number rather screw up trying too hard to seal the deal.

Obama: Barack is the kind of guy who is willing to help out a friend in need.  He would always be up for talking up your stock to help you out (see: 2004 Democratic National Convention speech).  However, he’s so smooth that he would probably end up taking your girl home and ruining your chances for success (see: 2004 presidential election).  Looking on the bright side hanging out with Obama will provide you with plenty of scraps and sloppy seconds to pick from.

Verdict: MCCAIN!


Drinking games

McCain: Another wildcard category for McCain here. True, he may be terribly arthritic and would probably steal all the quarters to save money, but he could come up with some clutch drinking games you’ve never heard of. I’m sure he learned some wicked games from American Indians as an intern on the Lewis and Clark expeditions. As an added bonus, though not technically games, he can impress your friends by pulling a quarter out of their ear and detaching his thumb, but only for a second.

Obama: Barack is probably money at beer pong due to his aforementioned basketball skills.  He also went to college for a shade under a decade so he probably has been exposed to every drinking game imaginable.  But, his biggest critics cite his lack of experience as his prominent shortcoming.  He may have to shore up this flaw by bringing along a VP candidate who can remind him the rules of Circle of Death (Ted Kennedy anyone?)

Verdict: MCCAIN!


Willingness to buy drinks

McCain: If there’s one thing this Maverick hasn’t changed, it’s his staunch views as a fiscal conservative. What does this mean to drinking? He won’t be buying any absurd shots and ever 5 minutes he’ll remind you exactly how many drinks each person has bought (probably upping his number). When he does reach for his wallet you’ll be getting a $2 Miller Lite and the bartender will be getting a shitty tip. McCain definitely falls a bit short here. Plus he’ll be complaining how when he was growing up a goblet of mead only cost one sheckle and a hen.

Obama: Charity and goodwill are right in Obama’s wheelhouse and would translate perfectly into the drinking world.  Obama was handing out fourties on the south side of Chicago before he started his ascent into politics so there is little doubt he would be buying endless rounds at the bar all night.  However, change is also in his wheelhouse so he may be bringing back a different drink each round which could lead to trouble (i.e. the Jameson, Jagerbomb, tequila combo).  The silver lining is that he would probably make the oil companies pick up the tab and your vomit!

Verdict: OBAMA!



McCain: Everybody knows that McCain is old and boring, yawn, but I bet he has some wild stories. Get him drunk enough and he may start having flashbacks to his POW days. This could go two routes. Either he tells great stories about kicking foreign ass and rejoicing with old buddies, or (and that’s a big or), he reverts to the fetal position reliving the horrors. If the latter happens you’re going to have to comfort him and hope that you draw some sympathy from beautiful onlookers.

Obama: Let’s face it, this guy could read people the directions off the box of an enema and they would burst into chants of “YES WE CAN!”  Barack’s well refined oratory skills are well known throughout the world.  BO has plenty of material to work with and there is little doubt he could fill up a solid drinking outing with some good conversation.  However, he may want to talk a little too much about change, politics, etc. when you want to discuss more important matters like which Thundercat you could beat up and if Mr. Belding was gay.

Verdict: OBAMA!

Overall winner: OBAMA!

This weeks comparison proved closer than expected. In the end, the favorite prevailed. Barrack Hussein Obama pulled out a squeaker over the over-experienced John Cornelius McCain. While we'll have to wait until November to see who prevails in the election, our analysis of a night out drinking has all but proven, BARRACK OBAMA IS BETTER.