Saturday, September 26, 2009

Week 3 Picks

With the economy struggling, Roof Monkeys is pitching in to help out. How you ask? By providing invaluable gambling advice! Here are our picks for Week 3 NFL action. Home teams are in caps.

NEW YORK JETS -2.5 Tennessee Titans
It’s the classic tale of age versus beauty, convenient store six pack versus six pack abs, grey hair with a pale complexion versus dark hair with a Mexican complexion, keep an eye on your liquor cabinet versus keep an eye on your daughter, etc … Titans come out of their funk and defeat an anemic (yet still efficient) Jets offensive attack.

Roof Monkeys pick: Tennessee

HOUSTON TEXANS -3.5 Jacksonville Jaguars
Oh my god. Seriously? Is this really a game? David Garrard may be more focused since he lost his Reading Rainbow hosting duties, but the rest of his team still sucks. Look for the fattest fans in football to rally their team to victory.

Roof Monkeys pick: Houston

PHILIADELPHIA EAGLES -9.5 Kansas City Chiefs
Despite QB Donovan McNabb's injury, the Eagles should have no trouble having their way with the lowly Chiefs. We recommend parlaying the cover with Mike Vick's pit bull Daisy over Chiefs' mascot KC Wolf in the postgame dogfight.

Roof Monkeys pick: Philadelphia

BALTIMORE RAVENS -13.5 Cleveland Browns
An offense in Baltimore that isn’t criminal? We must still be feeling the PCP we bought off of Ray Lewis. No? It’s true? That’s right folks, the Ravens are putting points on the board and opponents in the dirt. Forget points, the Browns need a miracle to do something worthwhile.

Roof Monkeys pick: Baltimore

The Giants are clearly talented enough to run away with this one, the question is can they stay focused? If Giants' Head Coach Tom Coughlin can limit the retirement community tours and banging 65 year old talent while in Florida, the G-Men should be all right.

Roof Monkeys pick: New York

Washington Redskins - 6.5 DETROIT LIONS
A trip to Detroit, where opponents walk out with a guaranteed win almost every time, is like a vacation for NFL teams. A vacation featuring bombed out buildings, skyhigh crime rates, and very reasonable crack prices.

Roof Monkeys pick: Washington

Green Bay Packers -6.5 ST. LOUIS RAMS
Combine Green Bay's disappointing Week 2 loss to the Bengals with the futile play of the Rams and you're going to need a lot of Budweiser or Miller Lite to watch this game. We like St. Louis, because Miller Lite tastes like piss.

Roof Monkeys pick: St. Louis

MINNESOTA VIKINGS -7 San Francisco 49ers
Adrian Peterson's 2008 base salary was $370,000. Stop being such a bitch Michael Crabtree, the Niners' $20 million offer can buy you plenty of Cleveland Steamers and Hot Carls in San Francisco.

Roof Monkeys pick: Minnesota

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS -4.5 Atlanta Falcons
The once dominant Patriots have struggled in 2009. QB Tom Brady is at the forefront of those struggles, with a dismal 76.8 quarterback rating, only 2 touchdowns, and 0 children born out of wedlock this season.

Roof Monkeys pick: Atlanta

Chicago Bears -2.5 SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
With QB Matt Hasselbeck sitting at home due to injury, Seattle should expect a lot more losses. With LB Brian Urlacher sitting at home due to injury, Chicago should expect a lot more paternity lawsuits.

Roof Monkeys pick: Chicago

New Orleans Saints -6 BUFFALO BILLS
Brees' college days at Purdue will have him comfortable playing in Buffalo where the ugly weather is only matched by the ugly women. Look for Saints' QB Drew Brees to have another big game.

Roof Monkeys pick: New Orleans

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS -5.5 Miami Dolphins
Bragging rights are on the line for this match up. Can San Diego retain it's title as America's Drug Smuggling Capital? We surveyed 100 drug mules and the consensus was the Chargers.

Roof Monkeys pick: San Diego

Pittsburgh Steelers -3.5 CINCINNATI BENGALS
The upset minded Bengals have a good chance of ending their futility against their division rivals. The key to the upset win will be keeping players off the injury report and the police blotter.

Roof Monkeys pick: Cincinnati

OAKLAND RAIDERS -1.5 Denver Broncos
Due to the crackdown on waterboarding, the CIA has been forcing prisoners to watch AFC West games as a new interrogation tactic. Look for a Denver cover and an Al-Qaeda plot to be exposed this Sunday.

Roof Monkeys pick: Denver

ARIZONA CARDINALS -2.5 Indianapolis Colts
Expect QB Kurt Warner to build on his impressive Week 2 outing where he completed 24 of 26 passes. Backup QB Matt Leinart had an equally impressive week where he did not contract any new STDs from 14 of 16 girls he nailed.

Roof Monkeys pick: Arizona

DALLAS COWBOYS -8.5 Carolina Panthers
Due to the terrible QB play of both starters, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell issued a new scoring system for this game. Interceptions are worth 6 points, fumbles are worth 3, and alienating yourself from your teammates due to your horrific play is worth 10.

Roof Monkeys pick: Dallas

Monday, September 14, 2009

NFL Power Rankings 2010

Once again, almost in time for the start of the season, the Roof Monkey's sports desk has compiled its rankings for the NFL season. Returning champions Pittsburgh took the top spot, while returning complete and utter failures Detroit again come in last.

1. Steelers
– QB Ben Rothelisberger will have to keep focused as he battles sexual assault allegations off the field. If the plaintiff is like most Steelers fans she will be willing to drop charges for a sixer of Iron City Beer and pair of mildly used elastic waist jeans.

2. Patriots – The patriots high octane offense was dealt a blow when new england traded away their 2008 starting QB Matt Cassel. Their fate now rests on 6th round draft pick Tom Brady who had only 7 completions for 76 yards last season.
3. Giants – While Eli may be getting richer with each snap, his favorite target’s butthole will get looser with each shower.

4. Eagles – So Eagles fans have booed Santa and given Mike Vick a standing ovation. That makes about as much sense as Andy Reid modeling for PETA’s “Go Vegetarian” campaign.

5. Chargers – If the moon landing was indeed fake, there’s a good chance they filmed it on the surface of Norv Turners face.

6. Colts – The new look Colts should continue their dominance as they have retained key personnel in consultant positions. Tom Moore will provide advice on offense and Marvin Harrison will perform mock executions to maintain team discipline.

7. Titans – With two recovering alcoholics at the top of the QB depth chart in Kerry Collins and Vince Young, look for head coach Jeff Fisher to utilize 12 step drops in the pocket.

8. Falcons – QB Matt Ryan had a rough offseason as he found out the hard way why RB Michael Turner is nicknamed the Burner. Ryan will miss the first 3 games with Chlamydia.

9. Vikings – The Vikings have the talent to succeed but do they have the team chemistry? Team morale was tested when head coach Brad Childress showed up to practice in Wrangler Jeans and a Favre Jersey and insisted that they always have done the diving catches into mud puddles drill.

10. Ravens – Second year quarterback Joe Flacco is poised to have a breakout season. Flacco spent the offseason strengthening his unibrow, which should increase accuracy by keeping sweat out of his eyes.

11. Bears – Jay Cutler’s arrival signifies Chicago’s most talented quarterback since Jim McMahon and Chicago’s most douchey egomaniac since Kanye West. It has yet to be determined if Cutler likes fish sticks.

12. Packers – After another stellar season, Packer fans will reluctantly begin to rally around QB Aaron Rodgers much like their slow acceptance of light beer, assault rifle restrictions, and reduced fat brats.

13. Cardinals – If Arizona wants to return to the Super Bowl cutting back on penalties will be crucial. The Cardinals led the league in "too many men in the huddle" penalties due to QB Kurt Warner's insistence on bringing Jesus into the huddle.

14. Panthers – Powered by the tandem backfield of Deangelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart, Panther fans are excited to see which round of the playoffs Jake Delhomme decides to flush their Super Bowl hopes down the crapper.

15. Seahawks – With Mike Holmgren out of the picture, Matt Hasselback can go back to throwing footballs to receivers rather than throwing raw Pike to Holgren for lunch.

16. Dolphins – If Ricky Williams gets high enough before the game, he may think Landshark Stadium is hosting some sort of VH1 awards show.

17. Cowboys – While the media has been abuzz about the gigantic high definition scoreboard in the new billion-dollar Dallas Stadium, one drawback is the board's inability to replay Dallas playoff wins from after 1996.

18. Saints – New Orleans playoff hopes rest on Reggie Bush’s injured knee which sources close to the team say Bush reinjured in an accident involving two obese coeds and an inebriated farm animal at QB Drew Brees’ alma mater Purdue.

19. Texans – With a high octane offense expect the Texans to battle with the Indianapolis Indianans and the Tennessee Tennesseans for the division title.

20. Redskins – Albert Haynesworth has a lot to live up to. People in DC are getting awfully tired of new black men coming to town only to disappoint.

21. Bills – When T.O. came to town the Bills welcomed him by giving him the key to the city. Probably the most useless key other than one to the liquor cabinet in the Mormon Tabernacle.

22. 49ers – Off-season headlines have been dominated by Michael Crabtree's hold out for a bigger contract. The smart move would be to sign for less and cash in on a sexual harassment lawsuit the next time coach Mike Singletary drops his pants in the locker room

23. Jets – The transition to the NFL will be tough for rookie Mark Sanchez. He’ll have to adjust to more complex blitz packages, a new offensive playbook, and not being able to play home games on a field mowed by his father.

24. Bengals – Cincinnati’s offensive line was dealt a blow when rookie RT Andre Smith was sidelined with a broken foot. Smith’s recovery is ahead of schedule as he was already walking on crutches at a Cincinnati’s only 5-star restaurant, Old Country Buffet.

25. Maurice Jones-Drew’s team – We couldn’t name any other players on this team, or were positive they had any fans. Outside of fantasy football purposes is there a reason to have a team in Jacksonville?

26. Buccaneers – The Bucs surprised critics by hiring one of the youngest coaches in NFL history in 33 year old Rahiem Morris. Sources indicate that Tampa strongly considered Doogie Howser, Hannah Montana, and the big headed kid from Jerry Maguire.

27. Broncos – Denver's season hinges on WR Brandon Marshall's ability to translate his skill of beating women off the field to beating cornerbacks on the field.

28. Browns – Winner: QB Brady Quinn – Quinn won the opportunity to be Cleveland’s starting quarterback over teammate Derek Anderson
Loser: C Alex Mack – Mack won the opportunity to have Brady Quinn’s hands near his junk all season.

29. Chiefs – Newly hired head coach Todd Haley is hoping to catch lightening in a bottle as he did as the offensive coordinator of Arizona's super bowl run. All that's missing is a pro bowl quarterback, two pro bowl receivers, an offensive line, a nice stadium, a front office that wants to win, basically everything.

30. Raiders – Still drunk from the previous night’s Tales from the Crypt reunion, Raiders owner Al Davis demanded to draft the fastest receiver available. Unfortunately, the guy turned out to be terrible at football.

31. Rams – Rumor has it that a London based group of investors is looking to buy the Rams and move them across the pond after the 2014 season. Now London can boast shitty food, shitty weather, and shitty football.

32. Lions – Did you know that rookie QB Matthew Stafford’s $72 million contract could buy 13 million vials of crack, fuel for 8 million barrel fires, and 56 million Ted Nugent albums? Good thing Detroit doesn’t have the Internet or else their 8 fans may be looking for handouts.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Obama’s Vacation approval rating plummets to 25%

MARTHA’S VINYARD, MA - Reports that President Obama’s approval rating had been dropping because of his health care plan, were not exaggerated. This past Thursday, the rating took another hit as he claimed, “Anymore ice cream and you girls are going to get a tummy ache.”

First children, Sasha and Malia Obama, were outraged at the Presidents invasion into the health of the private sector. “If I want to eat ice cream and get a tummy ache, that’s my business and not the government’s,” said a cranky Sasha Obama. “I don’t care how close it is to my bedtime.”

President Obama was not afraid to fire back. “It’s not a question of abusing authority, or getting my way,” said the President. “It’s my social and moral responsibility to make sure everybody get sound medical aide and advice.”

The incident made it clear as to why the two Obama children disapproved of the job their father was doing. However, the other negative vote, presumably Michelle Obama, was a bit more mysterious.

“I’m not saying he’s doing a bad job on this vacation,” said the First Lady. “I mean its relaxing. But let’s just say he’s pulling out a little early.”