Saturday, September 26, 2009

Week 3 Picks

With the economy struggling, Roof Monkeys is pitching in to help out. How you ask? By providing invaluable gambling advice! Here are our picks for Week 3 NFL action. Home teams are in caps.

NEW YORK JETS -2.5 Tennessee Titans
It’s the classic tale of age versus beauty, convenient store six pack versus six pack abs, grey hair with a pale complexion versus dark hair with a Mexican complexion, keep an eye on your liquor cabinet versus keep an eye on your daughter, etc … Titans come out of their funk and defeat an anemic (yet still efficient) Jets offensive attack.

Roof Monkeys pick: Tennessee

HOUSTON TEXANS -3.5 Jacksonville Jaguars
Oh my god. Seriously? Is this really a game? David Garrard may be more focused since he lost his Reading Rainbow hosting duties, but the rest of his team still sucks. Look for the fattest fans in football to rally their team to victory.

Roof Monkeys pick: Houston

PHILIADELPHIA EAGLES -9.5 Kansas City Chiefs
Despite QB Donovan McNabb's injury, the Eagles should have no trouble having their way with the lowly Chiefs. We recommend parlaying the cover with Mike Vick's pit bull Daisy over Chiefs' mascot KC Wolf in the postgame dogfight.

Roof Monkeys pick: Philadelphia

BALTIMORE RAVENS -13.5 Cleveland Browns
An offense in Baltimore that isn’t criminal? We must still be feeling the PCP we bought off of Ray Lewis. No? It’s true? That’s right folks, the Ravens are putting points on the board and opponents in the dirt. Forget points, the Browns need a miracle to do something worthwhile.

Roof Monkeys pick: Baltimore

The Giants are clearly talented enough to run away with this one, the question is can they stay focused? If Giants' Head Coach Tom Coughlin can limit the retirement community tours and banging 65 year old talent while in Florida, the G-Men should be all right.

Roof Monkeys pick: New York

Washington Redskins - 6.5 DETROIT LIONS
A trip to Detroit, where opponents walk out with a guaranteed win almost every time, is like a vacation for NFL teams. A vacation featuring bombed out buildings, skyhigh crime rates, and very reasonable crack prices.

Roof Monkeys pick: Washington

Green Bay Packers -6.5 ST. LOUIS RAMS
Combine Green Bay's disappointing Week 2 loss to the Bengals with the futile play of the Rams and you're going to need a lot of Budweiser or Miller Lite to watch this game. We like St. Louis, because Miller Lite tastes like piss.

Roof Monkeys pick: St. Louis

MINNESOTA VIKINGS -7 San Francisco 49ers
Adrian Peterson's 2008 base salary was $370,000. Stop being such a bitch Michael Crabtree, the Niners' $20 million offer can buy you plenty of Cleveland Steamers and Hot Carls in San Francisco.

Roof Monkeys pick: Minnesota

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS -4.5 Atlanta Falcons
The once dominant Patriots have struggled in 2009. QB Tom Brady is at the forefront of those struggles, with a dismal 76.8 quarterback rating, only 2 touchdowns, and 0 children born out of wedlock this season.

Roof Monkeys pick: Atlanta

Chicago Bears -2.5 SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
With QB Matt Hasselbeck sitting at home due to injury, Seattle should expect a lot more losses. With LB Brian Urlacher sitting at home due to injury, Chicago should expect a lot more paternity lawsuits.

Roof Monkeys pick: Chicago

New Orleans Saints -6 BUFFALO BILLS
Brees' college days at Purdue will have him comfortable playing in Buffalo where the ugly weather is only matched by the ugly women. Look for Saints' QB Drew Brees to have another big game.

Roof Monkeys pick: New Orleans

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS -5.5 Miami Dolphins
Bragging rights are on the line for this match up. Can San Diego retain it's title as America's Drug Smuggling Capital? We surveyed 100 drug mules and the consensus was the Chargers.

Roof Monkeys pick: San Diego

Pittsburgh Steelers -3.5 CINCINNATI BENGALS
The upset minded Bengals have a good chance of ending their futility against their division rivals. The key to the upset win will be keeping players off the injury report and the police blotter.

Roof Monkeys pick: Cincinnati

OAKLAND RAIDERS -1.5 Denver Broncos
Due to the crackdown on waterboarding, the CIA has been forcing prisoners to watch AFC West games as a new interrogation tactic. Look for a Denver cover and an Al-Qaeda plot to be exposed this Sunday.

Roof Monkeys pick: Denver

ARIZONA CARDINALS -2.5 Indianapolis Colts
Expect QB Kurt Warner to build on his impressive Week 2 outing where he completed 24 of 26 passes. Backup QB Matt Leinart had an equally impressive week where he did not contract any new STDs from 14 of 16 girls he nailed.

Roof Monkeys pick: Arizona

DALLAS COWBOYS -8.5 Carolina Panthers
Due to the terrible QB play of both starters, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell issued a new scoring system for this game. Interceptions are worth 6 points, fumbles are worth 3, and alienating yourself from your teammates due to your horrific play is worth 10.

Roof Monkeys pick: Dallas

No comments: