Once again, almost in time for the start of the season, the Roof Monkey's sports desk has compiled its rankings for the NFL season. Returning champions Pittsburgh took the top spot, while returning complete and utter failures Detroit again come in last.
1. Steelers – QB Ben Rothelisberger will have to keep focused as he battles sexual assault allegations off the field. If the plaintiff is like most Steelers fans she will be willing to drop charges for a sixer of Iron City Beer and pair of mildly used elastic waist jeans.
2. Patriots – The patriots high octane offense was dealt a blow when new england traded away their 2008 starting QB Matt Cassel. Their fate now rests on 6th round draft pick Tom Brady who had only 7 completions for 76 yards last season.
3. Giants – While Eli may be getting richer with each snap, his favorite target’s butthole will get looser with each shower.
4. Eagles – So Eagles fans have booed Santa and given Mike Vick a standing ovation. That makes about as much sense as Andy Reid modeling for PETA’s “Go Vegetarian” campaign.
5. Chargers – If the moon landing was indeed fake, there’s a good chance they filmed it on the surface of Norv Turners face.
6. Colts – The new look Colts should continue their dominance as they have retained key personnel in consultant positions. Tom Moore will provide advice on offense and Marvin Harrison will perform mock executions to maintain team discipline.
7. Titans – With two recovering alcoholics at the top of the QB depth chart in Kerry Collins and Vince Young, look for head coach Jeff Fisher to utilize 12 step drops in the pocket.
8. Falcons – QB Matt Ryan had a rough offseason as he found out the hard way why RB Michael Turner is nicknamed the Burner. Ryan will miss the first 3 games with Chlamydia.
9. Vikings – The Vikings have the talent to succeed but do they have the team chemistry? Team morale was tested when head coach Brad Childress showed up to practice in Wrangler Jeans and a Favre Jersey and insisted that they always have done the diving catches into mud puddles drill.
10. Ravens – Second year quarterback Joe Flacco is poised to have a breakout season. Flacco spent the offseason strengthening his unibrow, which should increase accuracy by keeping sweat out of his eyes.
11. Bears – Jay Cutler’s arrival signifies Chicago’s most talented quarterback since Jim McMahon and Chicago’s most douchey egomaniac since Kanye West. It has yet to be determined if Cutler likes fish sticks.
12. Packers – After another stellar season, Packer fans will reluctantly begin to rally around QB Aaron Rodgers much like their slow acceptance of light beer, assault rifle restrictions, and reduced fat brats.
13. Cardinals – If Arizona wants to return to the Super Bowl cutting back on penalties will be crucial. The Cardinals led the league in "too many men in the huddle" penalties due to QB Kurt Warner's insistence on bringing Jesus into the huddle.
14. Panthers – Powered by the tandem backfield of Deangelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart, Panther fans are excited to see which round of the playoffs Jake Delhomme decides to flush their Super Bowl hopes down the crapper.
15. Seahawks – With Mike Holmgren out of the picture, Matt Hasselback can go back to throwing footballs to receivers rather than throwing raw Pike to Holgren for lunch.
16. Dolphins – If Ricky Williams gets high enough before the game, he may think Landshark Stadium is hosting some sort of VH1 awards show.
17. Cowboys – While the media has been abuzz about the gigantic high definition scoreboard in the new billion-dollar Dallas Stadium, one drawback is the board's inability to replay Dallas playoff wins from after 1996.
18. Saints – New Orleans playoff hopes rest on Reggie Bush’s injured knee which sources close to the team say Bush reinjured in an accident involving two obese coeds and an inebriated farm animal at QB Drew Brees’ alma mater Purdue.
19. Texans – With a high octane offense expect the Texans to battle with the Indianapolis Indianans and the Tennessee Tennesseans for the division title.
20. Redskins – Albert Haynesworth has a lot to live up to. People in DC are getting awfully tired of new black men coming to town only to disappoint.
21. Bills – When T.O. came to town the Bills welcomed him by giving him the key to the city. Probably the most useless key other than one to the liquor cabinet in the Mormon Tabernacle.
22. 49ers – Off-season headlines have been dominated by Michael Crabtree's hold out for a bigger contract. The smart move would be to sign for less and cash in on a sexual harassment lawsuit the next time coach Mike Singletary drops his pants in the locker room
23. Jets – The transition to the NFL will be tough for rookie Mark Sanchez. He’ll have to adjust to more complex blitz packages, a new offensive playbook, and not being able to play home games on a field mowed by his father.
24. Bengals – Cincinnati’s offensive line was dealt a blow when rookie RT Andre Smith was sidelined with a broken foot. Smith’s recovery is ahead of schedule as he was already walking on crutches at a Cincinnati’s only 5-star restaurant, Old Country Buffet.
25. Maurice Jones-Drew’s team – We couldn’t name any other players on this team, or were positive they had any fans. Outside of fantasy football purposes is there a reason to have a team in Jacksonville?
26. Buccaneers – The Bucs surprised critics by hiring one of the youngest coaches in NFL history in 33 year old Rahiem Morris. Sources indicate that Tampa strongly considered Doogie Howser, Hannah Montana, and the big headed kid from Jerry Maguire.
27. Broncos – Denver's season hinges on WR Brandon Marshall's ability to translate his skill of beating women off the field to beating cornerbacks on the field.
28. Browns – Winner: QB Brady Quinn – Quinn won the opportunity to be Cleveland’s starting quarterback over teammate Derek Anderson
Loser: C Alex Mack – Mack won the opportunity to have Brady Quinn’s hands near his junk all season.
29. Chiefs – Newly hired head coach Todd Haley is hoping to catch lightening in a bottle as he did as the offensive coordinator of Arizona's super bowl run. All that's missing is a pro bowl quarterback, two pro bowl receivers, an offensive line, a nice stadium, a front office that wants to win, basically everything.
30. Raiders – Still drunk from the previous night’s Tales from the Crypt reunion, Raiders owner Al Davis demanded to draft the fastest receiver available. Unfortunately, the guy turned out to be terrible at football.
31. Rams – Rumor has it that a London based group of investors is looking to buy the Rams and move them across the pond after the 2014 season. Now London can boast shitty food, shitty weather, and shitty football.
32. Lions – Did you know that rookie QB Matthew Stafford’s $72 million contract could buy 13 million vials of crack, fuel for 8 million barrel fires, and 56 million Ted Nugent albums? Good thing Detroit doesn’t have the Internet or else their 8 fans may be looking for handouts.