Monday, November 24, 2008

Terrible First Dates

I was asked to submit a "first date horror story" for I can only assume I was chosen because of the huge national success of Roof Monkeys. This is a credit to our Roof Monkey street team and our obsessive posting. Anyway, check out my story and other horrible first dates. 

See if you can guess which one's mine. (Hint: It's the one written by me)

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Letters to the new President Elect

We here at Roof Monkeys have been a short hiatus. But this wasn't any writers block or laziness, we have been on a mission. A covert mission to be precise. As I hope you're aware we have decided on a new President, Barack Obama. Naturally, when you become President of the World there are going to be some people asking for favors. Well, for your pleasure, at the risk of our lives, we've intercepted some of these "favor seeking" correspondence. Undercover as a mailbox and a sweet old lady, we were able to obtain some letters, that fortunately for Barack, will never reach him.

Dear Brother,

First of all, congratulations on becoming president. We have been rooting for you here in Kenya throughout the race. As Obama is a common name here, I thought it was merely a coincidence that I shared it with you. However, the other day a reporter from FOX News showed up at my hut and gave me some exciting news. Apparently, we are long lost brothers. He gave me documents and family photos that I never knew existed. I understand that we are worlds apart from each other. I currently live in a hut near the edge of a cliff. I wear banana peels as shoes and poop in a trash bag that doubles as my pillow. I do not want you to think that I am asking for a hand out, but life is tough here. My only job option is survival and it is very demanding. I am paid roughly $0.79 a day, but only if I agree not to use the pages in my bible as kindling so that I give my family clean water.

Long story short, get me the fuck out of here. Your nephew Fliface would really like to meet his cousins and use a toilet. I realize you have more pressing issues at hand, but I imagine some time must be devoted to humanitarian efforts throughout the world. Well, maybe I can help organize my community, just like you. But I would require an actual house. Please help a brother, your brother, out.


Hun Grey Obama

P.S. I owe you a few noogies. Just kidding. Please help me.

My Friend,

I'd like to congratulate you on beating me out for President of the country we both love so much. You showed a lot of grit on the campaign trail and I salute you. It's not everyday that a black, junior senator, with no executive or military experience, is chosen to lead the most powerful country in the world. Congratulations my friend. As you know, I have lived my life with one purpose, serving the country I love. People have said that in recent times I've become a different man, less of a maverick, well that's just not true. I'm so maverick that I stopped being a maverick and conformed to the right. But had I won I would have erupted maverick all over everybody's face. However, I did not win and am now at a loss for what to do with all this built up maverick (I can't just release it on Cindy, it may kill her). I'm sure you're a little afraid of Speaker Pelosi, we all are. So I ask that you give me the opportunity to be Speaker of the House. Working so closely with my good friend Joe Biden, and returning to maverick status, we could do a lot to steer our country in the right direction.

And God forbid you and Joe Biden were to become ill, or worse, executed, America would need somebody who's ready to lead. What better person than somebody who built his campaign around experience and mudslinging. My friend, I just ask you to consider me for this position. I probably won't be around much longer (unless you make fetus research legal) and this might be my last chance to serve the country I love so much. Please take this to heart. Remember, I'm back to being a maverick. The republican party really screwed me over. Imagine having Sarah Palin speak on your behalf, I couldn't wait for it to be over. I'd rather say demeaning and embarrassing things about my country than sit through that torture. I hope to hear from you soon my friend.

Your Friend,

John McCain


God Damn you and God damn America!!!!! Just kidding. But seriously, when can we start enslaving the crackers?

Always with you,


President Elect Obama,

Wow, still can't believe I'm saying that. What a ride we've had! One second I'm telling people you weren't experienced enough to run a McDonald's drive thru, the next I'm whole heartedly convincing my minions to change their minds. It was a roller coaster no doubt. But, as you know we're on the same side (even Bill), and I can't wait to work with you. I do have some suggestions to help things move along and make the world a better place. Just a few recommendations, nothing to big. Sooooooo, when you get a chance just give me a call and we'll discuss it in my, i mean the oval office. Ta for now.


P.S. I hope you weren't freaked out by the fake anthrax (Bill's idea). It's just pixie stix. Enjoy.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

C.C. Sabathia returns to Brewers

In a surprising move, Cy Young Award finalist C.C. Sabathia has chosen to resign with the Milwaukee Brewers. Coming off an impressive season in which he willed the Brewers into the playoff, Sabathia was thought to be the most sought after and valuable free agent, but he's not going anywhere.

The perennial all-star signed a contract Sunday worth a reported 44 million cheeseburgers over the next 5 seasons.

"We're just on the same page here," said an ecstatic Sabathia.

Just days after receiving an offer from the Yankees reportedly worth $140 million, the pitcher chose to stay put. Immediately after the mammoth offer was reported, Milwaukee GM Doug Melvin said they had overbid for the ace.

"$140 million is a lot of money. He's a reasonable guy, you just have to know how to talk to him," said Melvin.

In addition to the base salary, the contract is full of incentives, including an extra years worth of sausage for a Cy Young Award.