CRAWFORD, TX - At a press conference held on his back patio, former President George W. Bush announced that his personal memoirs would be released within a year. This comes just days after former Vice President Dick Cheney stated his memoirs were set to be released. Of course what caught the attention of the former president wasn't the release, but rather the supposed contents of Cheney's papers. It is reported that Cheney badmouths the former President, saying that he "went soft." Obviously hurt by these allegations, Bush acted quickly in responding to these jabs. "I got about as soft as his big fat butt. Heh Heh. Oh wait"
During his announcement the former President Bush made it clear that he was not going to hold back, and would tell his story no matter who got hurt. "A lot of people aren't going to be happy when they get a look at this," said the ex-President. "I plan on depicting people how they really were ... not how they presented themselves to the American people." The former President then chugged a beer, belched, and attempted to break wind when he suddenly ran inside the house.
When the Bush returned, in a bathrobe, he added that he no longer feared "timeout" or "international war." He even went on to state that
he'd never felt this free in years. "Hell, when I was President somebody was always tellin me what to do. Approve this, veto that. Bomb them, kill him. Blah blah blah blah. But now, I can do what I want and say what I want. Did you know that Colin Powel has a tiny penis? And that Cheney can see better at night?"
In an interesting move, Bush has chosen to depict his time as President in a coloring book format. "I was never good with words and I feel as though pictures offer the full range of emotions," said the former President. "Also, I really like coloring."
Bush assured the media that his memoirs, entitled "Cowboy White House: The Legend of the Lonestar Kid and the Old Scary Butt Ass" would be available to the public quite soon as he has more important things to worry about.
"I'm working really hard to finish it up. After that I'm going to focus entirely on finding the island on LOST," said the President. "Don't worry. We'll bring you heros home ... and Desmond."