Monday, February 23, 2009

A-Rod: "I cheated ... on my SATs, taxes, my boyfriend...."

"I did it," said a regretful Alex Rodriguez at a press conference last Saturday. "I took PEDs from 2001-2003, and for that I am sorry."

“After I signed my contract with a Texas I was under intense pressure to perform at a high level. I was so used to having no expectations in Seattle, that I didn’t see any other choice,” conceded Rodriquez. “Luckily I don’t face any of that same pressure here in New York.”

“I can’t say enough, how sorry and embarrassed I am. I apologize to my fans, the organization, and my family,” said Rodriguez while tearing. “Most of all, I’d like to apologize to my teammates.

“Derek, you’ve really been supportive through everything. I want to say I’m sorry for masturbating in your duffle bag. And Giambi, I have to admit, I was the one who shaved your moustache. It was no coincidence my new pubes were the same color.”

"While we're at it, I'm also sorry for wearing a shit ton of make-up to this interview, voting for Bush, keeping Madonna relevant, voting for Bush again, and for attempting to fellate Joe Torre on a number of occasions.”

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