Steroids are once again at the forefront of baseball media coverage. With the leaked information of Alex Rodriquez being one of 104 major league players who tested positive in 2003, baseball is in a state of chaos. Out of all this mess, the biggest fear on everybody’s mind is, “Who else did steroids?” To get some answers we interviewed current and former players to ask them about the issue.
Albert Pujols, St. Louis Cardinals: “Nah man. I never touched the stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I thought about it. I know guys who did and I saw results. Plus I’m in St. Louis. There’s not much else to do. Have you seen the women? This place might as well be called ‘Warmer Cleveland.’”
Manny Ramirez, Free Agent: “Last time I checked. Having another man put something in your butt is gay. I’m not gay. Last time I checked.”
Jeff Kent, Retired: “I blame the blacks. Oh and Abe Lincoln, that fuckin’ coward!”
Alfonso Soriano, Chicago Cub: “¿Que? ¿Donde compro los esteroides? ¿Sabes?”
Rafael Palmero, Limp-dicked liar: “Remember when Juan Gonzalez and I were awesome? … No? Are you sure? ….. yeah, nobody ever does.”
David Wells, Retired: “Who gives a shit?!?! It’s fuckin baseball. People think I was hungover when I pitched my perfect game. Wrong! I was wasted. Before I took the mound I had about 3 BoomerWangs. It’s my signature cocktail. Basically just horse tranquilizers, stripper sweat, and maybe a buffalo wing or two.”
Curt Schilling, Asshole: We’re just kidding we didn’t interview him, nobody actually gives a shit what he thinks.