After announcing he would undergo hip surgery in order to ready himself for a return to baseball, Barry Bonds stated he would go a step further.
"I will have my personality surgically repaired," said Bonds after a meeting with famed Dr. James Andrews. "Specifically, [Dr. Andrews] will locate and remove the asshole portion of my behavior."
Throughout his career Bonds has been considered an errant prick to both members of the media and of his fan club. Last year, even though his services were available, not one major league team contacted the home run king. Although Bond's will turn 45 this July, he still put up stellar numbers in recent years. This, of course, is because of the massive amounts of steroids he did, allegedly.
In addition to the asterisk tattooed on his face, metaphorically, his off field demeanor has distracted teams and fans from seeing his on-field accomplishments. In the past he has consistently called the media unfair. Deriding everything from their treatment of his father to their coverage of his defiling of sports more coveted record.
Baseball and medical experts are unsure of how this will end up. While he may no longer have an asshole, he will, most likely, remain a huge ass. Still, surgery appears to be the only option, if Barry still believes he can play, and destroy the integrity of our national pastime, at a high level.