CINCINNATI BENGALS –5.5 Houston Texans
In order to avoid a blackout, Motorola purchased over 1,500 tickets to this Sunday’s game. They’ve enlisted Chad Ochocinco to help hand them out. This may be the first time a pedestrian actually keeps the piece of paper handed to them by the Black Mexican on the corner.
Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Cincinnati Bengals
WASHINGTON REDSKINS – 6.5 Kansas City Chiefs
Let’s face it, the Redskins suck. They’re probably better than the Chiefs, but that doesn’t say much. Last week they handed the woeful Panthers their first win of the season and they get to face another hopeless team this week. Look for them to follow in Obama’s bailout footsteps and hand the pathetic Chiefs a meaningless win.
Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Boring
PITTSBURGH STEELERS – 14 Cleveland Browns
In hopes of building off of last week’s ugly victory against the Bills, the Browns come into Pittsburgh with more confidence than ever. After completing just two passes last week, starting quarterback Derek Anderson hopes to up his completions to match Ben Roethlisberger’s pending sexual harassment lawsuits.
Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Pittsburgh Steelers
MINNESOTA VIKINGS – 3 Baltimore Ravens
Brett Favre turned 40 this weekend. Is there any better way to celebrate your birthday by playing the game you love while 2 old white men suck your dick from a booth 500ft away? I guess making them gargle “He’s just having fun out there” is a nice touch.
Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Birthday Boy
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS – 9.5 St. Louis Rams
It’s funny. Not only do the UFL’s Florida Tuskers have as many televised games as the Jaguars (zero). They also have the same amount of NFL caliber players (zero). I doubt the refs even show up for this one.
Roof Monkeys’ Pick: St. Louis Limbaughs
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS – 3 New York Giants
This game all comes down to the quarterbacks. Can Drew Brees handle the Giants impress blitz? And can Eli Manning overcome the temptation of tranny hookers on Bourbon Street? We weren’t aware this was a problem until we spoke to Jeremy Shockey, who assured us that his former quarterback was a “total fucking faggot.”
Roof Monkeys’ Pick: New Orleans Saints
Carolina Panthers – 3 TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
Raheem Morris has two choices. Either make his mark in the win column, or make his mark in the history books be being the first black head coach to lose every game.
Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Carolina Panthers
GREEN BAY PACKERS – 14 Detroit Lions
Still reeling from a tough loss to former Green Bay demigod Brett Favre, Packer’s fans and players are grateful for their schedule. They’ll be sure to take full advantage of this bye week and rest up physically and emotionally.
Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Green Bay Packers
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES - 14 Oakland Raiders
This is going to be a rough one for Oakland. Owner Al Davis will spend the entire afternoon wondering how two brothers can play the same position and look so much a like but still perform so differently on the field.
Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Andy Reid’s BBQ
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS - 3 Arizona Cardinals
Arizona’s locker hasn’t been able to focus all week after an awkward encounter between stud WR Larry Fitzgerald and backup QB Matt Leinart. Mistaking Fitzgerald for a woman, Leinart aggressively approached him from behind in the shower in hopes of crossing “Ebony Princess” off of his sexual bucket list.
Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Fitzgerald getting tested for STDs
NEW YORK JETS – 9.5 Buffalo Bills
After last week’s loss against the Dolphins, Jets coach Rex Ryan said that his defense made Chad Henne look like Dan Marino. To avoid any comparisons to Jim Kelly, Rex Ryan visited the home of Trent Edwards and proceed to swallow his Chocolate Lab in one bite.
Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Indigestion and a call from PETA
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS - 9.5 Tennessee Titans
This week we see the return of LB Junior Seau. In hopes of getting some extra help on defense, the Patriots asked Seau to bring some Tijuana Gold Tequilla to throw Lendalle White and Kerry Collins off the wagon again.
Roof Monkeys’ Pick: 12 more steps
ATLANTA FALCONS - 3 Chicago Bears
Hoping to avoid another situation like when he commented on Denver fans, QB Jay Cutler remained silent when asked about TO trade rumors. Rather than saying “no comment” he simply receded into his neck folds and held out until the reporters left him alone.
Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Hotlanta
SAN DIEGO – 4.5 Denver Broncos
After beating mentor Bill Belichick last weekend, 33 year-old head coach Josh McDaniel’s confidence is at an all time high. So high in fact, that he’s going to be calling his teams offensive plays this week … all by himself!!
Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Orton’s beardlike facial hair
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