BUFFALO, NY – With the recent firing of head coach Dick Jauron, the Buffalo Bills immediately began searching for a replacement coach. Believing this to be the last head coach he would hire, 92 year-old owner Ralph Wilson wanted to make the right choice.
“I am going to do everything within my power to get the right coach and bring a championship to Buffalo,” said Wilson at a press conference. “Unfortunately, every coach we’ve contacted is currently out to lunch and has yet to return our calls.”
Sources throughout the league have named Mike Shannahan, Bill Cowher, and Jon Gruden as coaches already contacted by the Bills.
“We have indeed contacted some big name coaches to fill the position,” said Bills C.O.O. Russ Brandon. “We’re still waiting to hear back. Mike [Shannahan] has been at lunch for about 140 hours. Of course if I were retired I’d take long lunches too.”
Roof Monkeys called Coach Shannahan yesterday for comment. He picked up on the first ring and had this to say, “Oh yeah, basically my phone is real messed up. I can get calls and stuff, but I can’t make them. So I can’t call them back, they just have to call and hope I’m around. If you can tell them that, I’d really appreciate it.”
Buffalo has not made the playoffs in over decade. After an exciting off-season including the signing of volatile WR Terrell Owens, the Bills have earned a 3-7 record, leading to the firing of coach Dick Jauron.
As of press time, the Bills are still awaiting friend confirmation from Mike Holmgren and are holding talks about poking him.