Andy Reid to undergo experimental weight surgery

In the wake of Jets’ head coach Rex Ryan’s decision to undergo weight reduction surgery, Philadelphia Eagles' head coach Andy Reid announced he too would undergo surgery.

Rather than getting his stomach stapled or banded, Reid will have a considerable amount of fat removed from his stomach … and placed on his ass.

“My decision to go through with this risky surgery was a tough one,” said Reid at a press conference. “However, in recent years I have experienced extreme difficulty and pain when sitting down or standing up. Hopefully this procedure will correct that.”

While most people expected Reid to announce he would undergo surgery to lose weight, this procedure would actually make it easier for him to gain weight. By removing fat from his stomach and moving it to his ass, Reid will be able to “sit down” simply by leaning backwards. When he wants to stand up, he can easily roll forward, easing the pressure on his joints and heart.

“Hopefully, I’ll now be able to walk up to the buffet, then instantly sit down and start feeding,” grumbled a drooling Reid. “And on the sidelines I can post up at the 50-yard line and just swivel. It’ll do wonders for my clock management.”