Andy Reid to undergo experimental weight surgery

In the wake of Jets’ head coach Rex Ryan’s decision to undergo weight reduction surgery, Philadelphia Eagles' head coach Andy Reid announced he too would undergo surgery.

Rather than getting his stomach stapled or banded, Reid will have a considerable amount of fat removed from his stomach … and placed on his ass.

“My decision to go through with this risky surgery was a tough one,” said Reid at a press conference. “However, in recent years I have experienced extreme difficulty and pain when sitting down or standing up. Hopefully this procedure will correct that.”

While most people expected Reid to announce he would undergo surgery to lose weight, this procedure would actually make it easier for him to gain weight. By removing fat from his stomach and moving it to his ass, Reid will be able to “sit down” simply by leaning backwards. When he wants to stand up, he can easily roll forward, easing the pressure on his joints and heart.

“Hopefully, I’ll now be able to walk up to the buffet, then instantly sit down and start feeding,” grumbled a drooling Reid. “And on the sidelines I can post up at the 50-yard line and just swivel. It’ll do wonders for my clock management.”

Funniest article of all time

Oh David Stern, surely you jest.

Bills having trouble finding new coach

BUFFALO, NY – With the recent firing of head coach Dick Jauron, the Buffalo Bills immediately began searching for a replacement coach. Believing this to be the last head coach he would hire, 92 year-old owner Ralph Wilson wanted to make the right choice.

“I am going to do everything within my power to get the right coach and bring a championship to Buffalo,” said Wilson at a press conference. “Unfortunately, every coach we’ve contacted is currently out to lunch and has yet to return our calls.”

Sources throughout the league have named Mike Shannahan, Bill Cowher, and Jon Gruden as coaches already contacted by the Bills.

“We have indeed contacted some big name coaches to fill the position,” said Bills C.O.O. Russ Brandon. “We’re still waiting to hear back. Mike [Shannahan] has been at lunch for about 140 hours. Of course if I were retired I’d take long lunches too.”

Roof Monkeys called Coach Shannahan yesterday for comment. He picked up on the first ring and had this to say, “Oh yeah, basically my phone is real messed up. I can get calls and stuff, but I can’t make them. So I can’t call them back, they just have to call and hope I’m around. If you can tell them that, I’d really appreciate it.”

Buffalo has not made the playoffs in over decade. After an exciting off-season including the signing of volatile WR Terrell Owens, the Bills have earned a 3-7 record, leading to the firing of coach Dick Jauron.

As of press time, the Bills are still awaiting friend confirmation from Mike Holmgren and are holding talks about poking him.

NFL Week 6 Picks

We know, we know. You’ve been waiting all week for our picks so you can call your bookie. Well don’t you worry, they are here. Just like the gas company, we like to keep you waiting to the very last minute. So without further ado, here are the Roof Monkey’s picks for week 6 of this NFL season. (Home teams in CAPS)


CINCINNATI BENGALS –5.5 Houston Texans

In order to avoid a blackout, Motorola purchased over 1,500 tickets to this Sunday’s game. They’ve enlisted Chad Ochocinco to help hand them out. This may be the first time a pedestrian actually keeps the piece of paper handed to them by the Black Mexican on the corner.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Cincinnati Bengals


WASHINGTON REDSKINS – 6.5 Kansas City Chiefs

Let’s face it, the Redskins suck. They’re probably better than the Chiefs, but that doesn’t say much. Last week they handed the woeful Panthers their first win of the season and they get to face another hopeless team this week. Look for them to follow in Obama’s bailout footsteps and hand the pathetic Chiefs a meaningless win.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Boring


PITTSBURGH STEELERS – 14 Cleveland Browns

In hopes of building off of last week’s ugly victory against the Bills, the Browns come into Pittsburgh with more confidence than ever. After completing just two passes last week, starting quarterback Derek Anderson hopes to up his completions to match Ben Roethlisberger’s pending sexual harassment lawsuits.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Pittsburgh Steelers


MINNESOTA VIKINGS – 3 Baltimore Ravens

Brett Favre turned 40 this weekend. Is there any better way to celebrate your birthday by playing the game you love while 2 old white men suck your dick from a booth 500ft away? I guess making them gargle “He’s just having fun out there” is a nice touch.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Birthday Boy

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS – 9.5 St. Louis Rams

It’s funny. Not only do the UFL’s Florida Tuskers have as many televised games as the Jaguars (zero). They also have the same amount of NFL caliber players (zero). I doubt the refs even show up for this one.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: St. Louis Limbaughs

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS – 3 New York Giants

This game all comes down to the quarterbacks. Can Drew Brees handle the Giants impress blitz? And can Eli Manning overcome the temptation of tranny hookers on Bourbon Street? We weren’t aware this was a problem until we spoke to Jeremy Shockey, who assured us that his former quarterback was a “total fucking faggot.”

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: New Orleans Saints


Carolina Panthers – 3 TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

Raheem Morris has two choices. Either make his mark in the win column, or make his mark in the history books be being the first black head coach to lose every game.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Carolina Panthers


GREEN BAY PACKERS – 14 Detroit Lions

Still reeling from a tough loss to former Green Bay demigod Brett Favre, Packer’s fans and players are grateful for their schedule. They’ll be sure to take full advantage of this bye week and rest up physically and emotionally.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Green Bay Packers


PHILADELPHIA EAGLES - 14 Oakland Raiders

This is going to be a rough one for Oakland. Owner Al Davis will spend the entire afternoon wondering how two brothers can play the same position and look so much a like but still perform so differently on the field.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Andy Reid’s BBQ


SEATTLE SEAHAWKS - 3 Arizona Cardinals

Arizona’s locker hasn’t been able to focus all week after an awkward encounter between stud WR Larry Fitzgerald and backup QB Matt Leinart. Mistaking Fitzgerald for a woman, Leinart aggressively approached him from behind in the shower in hopes of crossing “Ebony Princess” off of his sexual bucket list.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Fitzgerald getting tested for STDs


NEW YORK JETS – 9.5 Buffalo Bills

After last week’s loss against the Dolphins, Jets coach Rex Ryan said that his defense made Chad Henne look like Dan Marino. To avoid any comparisons to Jim Kelly, Rex Ryan visited the home of Trent Edwards and proceed to swallow his Chocolate Lab in one bite.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Indigestion and a call from PETA


NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS - 9.5 Tennessee Titans

This week we see the return of LB Junior Seau. In hopes of getting some extra help on defense, the Patriots asked Seau to bring some Tijuana Gold Tequilla to throw Lendalle White and Kerry Collins off the wagon again.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: 12 more steps


ATLANTA FALCONS - 3 Chicago Bears

Hoping to avoid another situation like when he commented on Denver fans, QB Jay Cutler remained silent when asked about TO trade rumors. Rather than saying “no comment” he simply receded into his neck folds and held out until the reporters left him alone.

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Hotlanta


SAN DIEGO – 4.5 Denver Broncos

After beating mentor Bill Belichick last weekend, 33 year-old head coach Josh McDaniel’s confidence is at an all time high. So high in fact, that he’s going to be calling his teams offensive plays this week … all by himself!!

Roof Monkeys’ Pick: Orton’s beardlike facial hair

Week 5 Picks

It's gambling time! We are a quarter of the way through the regular season, and you know what that means! There's only 12 weeks left to build on your already massive gambling debt that will eventually destroy your life! Here's the picks and as always the home teams are in CAPS.

New England Patriots -3.5 DENVER BRONCOS
With so much on the line for Bill Belichick has gone to new lengths to protect his quarterback and beat his old protégé. He found out that according to the new rules, a penalty will be assessed if a member of Broncos hits Tom Brady’s knee, knee brace, oxygen machine, clown shoe, paparazzi, or tampon string. Since Brady brings all that and a small dog, he should be seeing yellow all day.

Roof Monkeys Pick: New England

BALTIMORE RAVENS -8.5 Cincinnati Bengals
Stabbings, drug deals, carjackings, fires ... and that’s just the players parking long. These AFC North rivals (why not?) are fighting for division supremacy and showertime anal virginity. Expect some tears and tear tattoos in the Ravens locker room. Cincinnati rolls.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Cincinnati

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS -2.5 Atlanta Falcons
Michael Crabtree has signed. He totally worked the 49ers. Not only did they not cave in to his demands, but he alienated his coach and teammates. Luckily they’re 0-4 and in desperate need of a playmaker. Oh wait, Crabtree’s just a whiny little bitch. Congrats 49ers, enjoy Braylon Edwards II.


Roof Monkeys Pick: Atlanta

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS -.5 Jacksonville Jaguars
Word is Matt Hasselbeck is set to return this week. Luckily the Roof Monkeys’ pick is already locked with this spread. You bet you’re ass we’ll be part of the 13th man this weekend. Oh, if you’re wondering they had to make the fans the 13th man to make room for Mike Holmgren.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Seattle

ARIZONA CARDINALS - 5.5 Houston Texans
The threat of another possible blackout looms over the Cardinals organization coming into Sunday’s game. I guess making the Super Bowl wasn’t enough. Of course, if they do get blacked out, the network will probably make more money off of advertising during Matlock. Although, that might distract Kurt Warner

Roof Monkeys Pick: Arizona

Indianapolis Colts - 3.5 TENNESSEE TITANS
Let’s be honest people, we all expected Peyton Manning to do well. What we didn’t expect, was a team with a alcoholic quarterback, no WRs known outside the locker room, a RB who lost weight by not drinking Petron, and no run defense to be 0-4. I mean, where did that come from.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Indianapolis

New York Jets - 1.5 MIAMI DOLPHINS
Rex Ryan recently said that he regretted talking trash with Miami LB Channing Crowder in the preseason. He said it was a complete misunderstanding. He wasn’t talking trash to Channing Crowder, he thought they said Clam Chowder. When he believed that Clam Chowder would say such hurtful things, after all the love he’s given it, well he just didn’t know what to do.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Miami

BUFFALO BILLS –6.5 Cleveland Browns
The Browns secured their first victory of the season when they were able to trade Braylon Edwards to the Jets for someone not named Braylon Edwards. Despite a successful week 4 against the Bengals, Browns fans are hoping WR Mohamed Massquoi can fill Edwards role of dropping every ball and punching out friends of LeBron James.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Buffalo Bills

Pittsburgh Steelers -10.5 DETROIT LIONS
Detroit has had a rough week that featured the Tigers losing Game 163 to the Twins and starting QB Matthew Stafford injuring his knee against the Bears. Things will only get worse as Roof Monkey Economists anticipate the city of Detroit's high unemployment rate to increase after QB Ben Roethlisberger gets half the wait staff at Sizzler fired for carding an underaged woman at his table.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Pittsburgh Steelers

Dallas Cowboys - 8.5 KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
The debate brewing in Dallas has been whether QB Tony Romo should tone down his gunslinging style of play and attempt to only manage the game. The debate brewing in Kansas City has been whether QB Matt Cassell should tone down his horrific style of play and attempt to only not lose every fucking game he starts.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Dallas Cowboys

Minnesota Vikings –10.5 ST. LOUIS RAMS
The big news in St. Louis was conservative radio show host Rush Limbaugh making a pitch to buy the Rams. In an attempt to gain support, Limbaugh is planning to leave painkillers from his personal stash in Brett Favre's locker in hopes the Rams will pull the upset if the gunslinger is reacquainted with an old friend.

Roof Monkeys Pick: St. Louis Rams

NEW YORK GIANTS -16.5 Oakland Raiders
If Eli Manning is shelved with his heel injury we could see the "Shitty #1 Overall Draft Pick QB Bowl" starring JaMarcus Russell and David Carr. Who will toss more picks? Who will overthrow more receivers? To pick the less shitty of these two shitty QBs we turned to the wise man Sean Combs who said "Mo Money Mo Problems". Sorry JaMarcus your shittiness is amplified by your shitty contract.

Roof Monkeys Pick: New York Giants

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES -13.5 Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Eagles have plenty of talent under center with Donny McNabb returning from injury this week. The only positive we could find about Bucs starting QB Josh Johnson is that he's Marshawn Lynch's cousin. No word on if Beast Mode is hereditary, so we'll stick with the Eagles.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Philadelphia Eagles

CAROLINA PANTHERS -3.5 Washington Redskins
Instead of acknowledging this terrible game is actually taking place we would rather handicap the WNBA Finals. We like the Phoenix Mercury over the Indiana umm Pacerettes? due to the Mercury having more lesbians. And not the hot lesbians, the kind that are really good at guy stuff, like basketball.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Phoenix Mercury

MLB Owners approve sale of Cubs to debilitating disease

CHICAGO - All 32 Major League Baseball owners chose to approve the sale of the Chicago Cubs from the Tribune Co. to the bone-afflicting disorder Rickets.

“It’s only natural that the Cubs be sold to a disorder that brings so little to hope to those

afflicted,” said MLB Commissioner Bud Selig.

Best known for the longest championship drought in sports history (which now stands at 101 years), the

Cubs are still a financially successful franchise.

Wrigley Field consistently sells out games every summer, and millions of fans flock to root on the “lovable losers.”

“I think it’s really fitting that Rickets bought the Cubs,” said lifelong fan Fred McGee. “Not having the strength to shoulder any pressure really epitomizes this team.”

Rickets is a disease that weakens the bones due to lack of vitamins, usually cause by famine or starvation. And with the trophy case in its current state, it’s really a wonder that the Cubs are standing at all.

Week 4 Picks

While everyone else was in church Sunday morning we were meticulously going over our Week 4 picks. While we're burning in eternal damnation enjoy this invaluable gambling advice. Home teams are in caps.



Oakland Raiders +8.5 HOUSTON TEXANS
Here's a way to make Raiders games semi-watchable, guess which week JaMarcus Russell's QB rating, completion percentage, or body fat percentage breaks 40.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Houston Texans and body fat

Tennessee Titans -3 JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS
The key number for this match up is 3. The Titans at 0-3 have already amassed as many losses this year as they had all of last season. The Jaguars are expecting a franchise record high 3 fans at their next game after Jack Del Rio guilt tripped his family into "finally seeing where Daddy works".

Roof Monkeys Pick: Jacksonville Jaguars

Baltimore Ravens +1.5 NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
The Ravens prepared for this matchup by dismantling former Patriots coordinator Eric Mangini's Cleveland Browns last week. Unfortunately for Baltimore, Bill Belichick only taught Mangini how to be an insufferable prick and nothing about football.

Roof Monkeys Pick: New England Patriots

Cincinnati Bengals -6 CLEVELAND BROWNS
In the most puzzling personnel move since Michael Brown was named FEMA, the Browns penciled Derek Anderson in as starting QB despite tossing 3 picks last week. Luckily Cleveland is already a shithole so it won't be as big of a deal when Anderson screws up.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Cincinnati Bengals

New York Giants -9 KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
The Chiefs offseason consisted of bringing in GM Scott Pioli, LB Mike Vrabel and spending $63M on QB Matt Cassel. The Giants offseason consisted of Plaxico Burress getting arrested on a firearm offense. The lesson learned is the key to running a successful franchise is having your star player go to prison for shooting himself in the leg.

Roof Monkeys Pick: New York Giants

Detroit Lions +10 CHICAGO BEARS
Coming off their first win in 20 games, the city of Detroit is riding high. Detroit looks to capitalize on Chicago's failure to secure the Olympics by putting a bid in for the 2020 games. Expect the bid to include a proposal for new events including the 100m abandoned car hurdles, a panhandling marathon, and 4x400m hobo relay.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Detroit Lions

Tampa Bay Buccaneers +7.5 WASHINGTON REDSKINS
In this week's Who Gives A Shit Bowl, the winless Buccaneers travel to our nation's capital to meet the only team to lose to the Lions in nearly two years. We'll go with the Buccaneers because their mascot is less racist.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Seattle Seahawks +10 INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
You don't need to look any further than the QB matchup in this game. Seahawks QB Seneca Wallace has 24 career touchdown passes. Colts QB Peyton Manning has 24 shitty commercials on television right now. Parlay the Colts with the over on how many times you are forced to watch his Oreo commercials.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Indianapolis Colts

New York Jets +7 NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
Everyone is excited for the new look New York Jets, rookie QB Matt Sanchez has led the Jets to an impressive 3-0 start. We are more excited for the possibility of head coach Rex Ryan growing a mustache so we can recycle all of our Mike Holmgren jokes.

Roof Monkeys Pick: New York Jets

Buffalo Bills PK MIAMI DOLPHINS
Picking a starting QB out of Chad Henne, Pat White, and Tyler Thigpen is like picking what to eat at an Old Country Buffet. If their season goes anything like our last trip to OCB, Dolphins fans should prepare themselves for a season of vomiting, diarrhea, and stomach cramps.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Buffalo Bills

St. Louis Rams +9.5 SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
The 49ers were one miracle throw away from pulling a major upset in Minnesota last week. The Rams were 10 players away from us being able to name their starting offense. We could never forget Steven Jackson, he's still on the team right?

Roof Monkeys Pick: San Francisco 49ers

Dallas Cowboys -3 DENVER BRONCOS
Bronco fans expected a downgrade in QB play when Kyle Orton replaced Jay Cutler. However, Orton has less interceptions, a higher QB rating, and doesn't make you want to punch him in the face as much.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Denver Broncos

San Diego Chargers +6.5 PITTSBURGH STEELERS
The Steelers are in unfamiliar territory at 1-2 and third place in the AFC North. Chargers fans traveling to Pittsburgh will be in unfamiliar territory when they realize their are no women under 200 lbs. We don't think the Chargers are into "goin' hoggin'" so they should be distraction free.

Roof Monkeys Pick: San Diego Chargers

Green Bay Packers +4 MINNESOTA VIKINGS
Every television set in Wisconsin will be tuned to Monday Night Football to see Brett Favre's first game against his former team. Network executives expect the state's highest television ratings since the infamous "nipple slip" episode of The Biggest Loser.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Minnesota Vikings

Week 3 Picks

With the economy struggling, Roof Monkeys is pitching in to help out. How you ask? By providing invaluable gambling advice! Here are our picks for Week 3 NFL action. Home teams are in caps.



NEW YORK JETS -2.5 Tennessee Titans
It’s the classic tale of age versus beauty, convenient store six pack versus six pack abs, grey hair with a pale complexion versus dark hair with a Mexican complexion, keep an eye on your liquor cabinet versus keep an eye on your daughter, etc … Titans come out of their funk and defeat an anemic (yet still efficient) Jets offensive attack.

Roof Monkeys pick: Tennessee

HOUSTON TEXANS -3.5 Jacksonville Jaguars
Oh my god. Seriously? Is this really a game? David Garrard may be more focused since he lost his Reading Rainbow hosting duties, but the rest of his team still sucks. Look for the fattest fans in football to rally their team to victory.

Roof Monkeys pick: Houston

PHILIADELPHIA EAGLES -9.5 Kansas City Chiefs
Despite QB Donovan McNabb's injury, the Eagles should have no trouble having their way with the lowly Chiefs. We recommend parlaying the cover with Mike Vick's pit bull Daisy over Chiefs' mascot KC Wolf in the postgame dogfight.

Roof Monkeys pick: Philadelphia

BALTIMORE RAVENS -13.5 Cleveland Browns
An offense in Baltimore that isn’t criminal? We must still be feeling the PCP we bought off of Ray Lewis. No? It’s true? That’s right folks, the Ravens are putting points on the board and opponents in the dirt. Forget points, the Browns need a miracle to do something worthwhile.

Roof Monkeys pick: Baltimore

New York Giants -7.5 TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
The Giants are clearly talented enough to run away with this one, the question is can they stay focused? If Giants' Head Coach Tom Coughlin can limit the retirement community tours and banging 65 year old talent while in Florida, the G-Men should be all right.

Roof Monkeys pick: New York

Washington Redskins - 6.5 DETROIT LIONS
A trip to Detroit, where opponents walk out with a guaranteed win almost every time, is like a vacation for NFL teams. A vacation featuring bombed out buildings, skyhigh crime rates, and very reasonable crack prices.

Roof Monkeys pick: Washington

Green Bay Packers -6.5 ST. LOUIS RAMS
Combine Green Bay's disappointing Week 2 loss to the Bengals with the futile play of the Rams and you're going to need a lot of Budweiser or Miller Lite to watch this game. We like St. Louis, because Miller Lite tastes like piss.

Roof Monkeys pick: St. Louis

MINNESOTA VIKINGS -7 San Francisco 49ers
Adrian Peterson's 2008 base salary was $370,000. Stop being such a bitch Michael Crabtree, the Niners' $20 million offer can buy you plenty of Cleveland Steamers and Hot Carls in San Francisco.

Roof Monkeys pick: Minnesota

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS -4.5 Atlanta Falcons
The once dominant Patriots have struggled in 2009. QB Tom Brady is at the forefront of those struggles, with a dismal 76.8 quarterback rating, only 2 touchdowns, and 0 children born out of wedlock this season.

Roof Monkeys pick: Atlanta

Chicago Bears -2.5 SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
With QB Matt Hasselbeck sitting at home due to injury, Seattle should expect a lot more losses. With LB Brian Urlacher sitting at home due to injury, Chicago should expect a lot more paternity lawsuits.

Roof Monkeys pick: Chicago

New Orleans Saints -6 BUFFALO BILLS
Brees' college days at Purdue will have him comfortable playing in Buffalo where the ugly weather is only matched by the ugly women. Look for Saints' QB Drew Brees to have another big game.

Roof Monkeys pick: New Orleans

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS -5.5 Miami Dolphins
Bragging rights are on the line for this match up. Can San Diego retain it's title as America's Drug Smuggling Capital? We surveyed 100 drug mules and the consensus was the Chargers.

Roof Monkeys pick: San Diego

Pittsburgh Steelers -3.5 CINCINNATI BENGALS
The upset minded Bengals have a good chance of ending their futility against their division rivals. The key to the upset win will be keeping players off the injury report and the police blotter.

Roof Monkeys pick: Cincinnati

OAKLAND RAIDERS -1.5 Denver Broncos
Due to the crackdown on waterboarding, the CIA has been forcing prisoners to watch AFC West games as a new interrogation tactic. Look for a Denver cover and an Al-Qaeda plot to be exposed this Sunday.

Roof Monkeys pick: Denver

ARIZONA CARDINALS -2.5 Indianapolis Colts
Expect QB Kurt Warner to build on his impressive Week 2 outing where he completed 24 of 26 passes. Backup QB Matt Leinart had an equally impressive week where he did not contract any new STDs from 14 of 16 girls he nailed.

Roof Monkeys pick: Arizona

DALLAS COWBOYS -8.5 Carolina Panthers
Due to the terrible QB play of both starters, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell issued a new scoring system for this game. Interceptions are worth 6 points, fumbles are worth 3, and alienating yourself from your teammates due to your horrific play is worth 10.

Roof Monkeys pick: Dallas

NFL Power Rankings 2010

Once again, almost in time for the start of the season, the Roof Monkey's sports desk has compiled its rankings for the NFL season. Returning champions Pittsburgh took the top spot, while returning complete and utter failures Detroit again come in last.

1. Steelers – QB Ben Rothelisberger will have to keep focused as he battles sexual assault allegations off the field. If the plaintiff is like most Steelers fans she will be willing to drop charges for a sixer of Iron City Beer and pair of mildly used elastic waist jeans.

2. Patriots – The patriots high octane offense was dealt a blow when new england traded away their 2008 starting QB Matt Cassel. Their fate now rests on 6th round draft pick Tom Brady who had only 7 completions for 76 yards last season.
3. Giants – While Eli may be getting richer with each snap, his favorite target’s butthole will get looser with each shower.

4. Eagles – So Eagles fans have booed Santa and given Mike Vick a standing ovation. That makes about as much sense as Andy Reid modeling for PETA’s “Go Vegetarian” campaign.

5. Chargers – If the moon landing was indeed fake, there’s a good chance they filmed it on the surface of Norv Turners face.

6. Colts – The new look Colts should continue their dominance as they have retained key personnel in consultant positions. Tom Moore will provide advice on offense and Marvin Harrison will perform mock executions to maintain team discipline.

7. Titans – With two recovering alcoholics at the top of the QB depth chart in Kerry Collins and Vince Young, look for head coach Jeff Fisher to utilize 12 step drops in the pocket.

8. Falcons – QB Matt Ryan had a rough offseason as he found out the hard way why RB Michael Turner is nicknamed the Burner. Ryan will miss the first 3 games with Chlamydia.

9. Vikings – The Vikings have the talent to succeed but do they have the team chemistry? Team morale was tested when head coach Brad Childress showed up to practice in Wrangler Jeans and a Favre Jersey and insisted that they always have done the diving catches into mud puddles drill.

10. Ravens – Second year quarterback Joe Flacco is poised to have a breakout season. Flacco spent the offseason strengthening his unibrow, which should increase accuracy by keeping sweat out of his eyes.

11. Bears – Jay Cutler’s arrival signifies Chicago’s most talented quarterback since Jim McMahon and Chicago’s most douchey egomaniac since Kanye West. It has yet to be determined if Cutler likes fish sticks.

12. Packers – After another stellar season, Packer fans will reluctantly begin to rally around QB Aaron Rodgers much like their slow acceptance of light beer, assault rifle restrictions, and reduced fat brats.

13. Cardinals – If Arizona wants to return to the Super Bowl cutting back on penalties will be crucial. The Cardinals led the league in "too many men in the huddle" penalties due to QB Kurt Warner's insistence on bringing Jesus into the huddle.

14. Panthers – Powered by the tandem backfield of Deangelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart, Panther fans are excited to see which round of the playoffs Jake Delhomme decides to flush their Super Bowl hopes down the crapper.

15. Seahawks – With Mike Holmgren out of the picture, Matt Hasselback can go back to throwing footballs to receivers rather than throwing raw Pike to Holgren for lunch.

16. Dolphins – If Ricky Williams gets high enough before the game, he may think Landshark Stadium is hosting some sort of VH1 awards show.

17. Cowboys – While the media has been abuzz about the gigantic high definition scoreboard in the new billion-dollar Dallas Stadium, one drawback is the board's inability to replay Dallas playoff wins from after 1996.

18. Saints – New Orleans playoff hopes rest on Reggie Bush’s injured knee which sources close to the team say Bush reinjured in an accident involving two obese coeds and an inebriated farm animal at QB Drew Brees’ alma mater Purdue.

19. Texans – With a high octane offense expect the Texans to battle with the Indianapolis Indianans and the Tennessee Tennesseans for the division title.

20. Redskins – Albert Haynesworth has a lot to live up to. People in DC are getting awfully tired of new black men coming to town only to disappoint.

21. Bills – When T.O. came to town the Bills welcomed him by giving him the key to the city. Probably the most useless key other than one to the liquor cabinet in the Mormon Tabernacle.

22. 49ers – Off-season headlines have been dominated by Michael Crabtree's hold out for a bigger contract. The smart move would be to sign for less and cash in on a sexual harassment lawsuit the next time coach Mike Singletary drops his pants in the locker room

23. Jets – The transition to the NFL will be tough for rookie Mark Sanchez. He’ll have to adjust to more complex blitz packages, a new offensive playbook, and not being able to play home games on a field mowed by his father.

24. Bengals – Cincinnati’s offensive line was dealt a blow when rookie RT Andre Smith was sidelined with a broken foot. Smith’s recovery is ahead of schedule as he was already walking on crutches at a Cincinnati’s only 5-star restaurant, Old Country Buffet.

25. Maurice Jones-Drew’s team – We couldn’t name any other players on this team, or were positive they had any fans. Outside of fantasy football purposes is there a reason to have a team in Jacksonville?

26. Buccaneers – The Bucs surprised critics by hiring one of the youngest coaches in NFL history in 33 year old Rahiem Morris. Sources indicate that Tampa strongly considered Doogie Howser, Hannah Montana, and the big headed kid from Jerry Maguire.

27. Broncos – Denver's season hinges on WR Brandon Marshall's ability to translate his skill of beating women off the field to beating cornerbacks on the field.

28. Browns – Winner: QB Brady Quinn – Quinn won the opportunity to be Cleveland’s starting quarterback over teammate Derek Anderson
Loser: C Alex Mack – Mack won the opportunity to have Brady Quinn’s hands near his junk all season.

29. Chiefs – Newly hired head coach Todd Haley is hoping to catch lightening in a bottle as he did as the offensive coordinator of Arizona's super bowl run. All that's missing is a pro bowl quarterback, two pro bowl receivers, an offensive line, a nice stadium, a front office that wants to win, basically everything.

30. Raiders – Still drunk from the previous night’s Tales from the Crypt reunion, Raiders owner Al Davis demanded to draft the fastest receiver available. Unfortunately, the guy turned out to be terrible at football.

31. Rams – Rumor has it that a London based group of investors is looking to buy the Rams and move them across the pond after the 2014 season. Now London can boast shitty food, shitty weather, and shitty football.

32. Lions – Did you know that rookie QB Matthew Stafford’s $72 million contract could buy 13 million vials of crack, fuel for 8 million barrel fires, and 56 million Ted Nugent albums? Good thing Detroit doesn’t have the Internet or else their 8 fans may be looking for handouts.

Obama’s Vacation approval rating plummets to 25%

MARTHA’S VINYARD, MA - Reports that President Obama’s approval rating had been dropping because of his health care plan, were not exaggerated. This past Thursday, the rating took another hit as he claimed, “Anymore ice cream and you girls are going to get a tummy ache.”

First children, Sasha and Malia Obama, were outraged at the Presidents invasion into the health of the private sector. “If I want to eat ice cream and get a tummy ache, that’s my business and not the government’s,” said a cranky Sasha Obama. “I don’t care how close it is to my bedtime.”

President Obama was not afraid to fire back. “It’s not a question of abusing authority, or getting my way,” said the President. “It’s my social and moral responsibility to make sure everybody get sound medical aide and advice.”

The incident made it clear as to why the two Obama children disapproved of the job their father was doing. However, the other negative vote, presumably Michelle Obama, was a bit more mysterious.

“I’m not saying he’s doing a bad job on this vacation,” said the First Lady. “I mean its relaxing. But let’s just say he’s pulling out a little early.”

Nationals Eliminated from Little League World Series

OMAHA, NE - Following a 7-2 loss Saturday night to Chula Vista, California, the Washington Nationals were been eliminated from the Little League World Series.

“It’s just a shame. These kids worked so hard,” said Nationals’ manager Jim Riggleman. “But I think they realize how privileged they were just to get this far.”

Before the tournament started the Nationals were considered a huge long shot. In the eastern regional’s they beat out an injury riddled Toms River team with a series of wacky plays and blind faith.

During the semi-finals it took a check swing by Christian Guzman in the bottom of the 6^th inning to put away Georgia. But no matter how bleak it seemed, they always came to play.

“Those kids really made us proud out there,” said Loretta Zimmerman, mother of Ryan Zimmerman, and one of six parents have made the journey to Omaha. “We may not be the biggest crowd, but we try to be the loudest … and we're definitely the drunkest.”

So while they may not live the dream of playing for the championship game, they feel like they’ve already one.

“Just making it this far is something I’ll never forget,” said left fielder Adam Dunn, who led the series in both home runs and strikeouts. “I mean, realistically, most of will probably never make varsity. So this was our Super Bowl.”

George W. Bush Announces Memoirs

CRAWFORD, TX - At a press conference held on his back patio, former President George W. Bush announced that his personal memoirs would be released within a year. This comes just days after former Vice President Dick Cheney stated his memoirs were set to be released. Of course what caught the attention of the former president wasn't the release, but rather the supposed contents of Cheney's papers. It is reported that Cheney badmouths the former President, saying that he "went soft." Obviously hurt by these allegations, Bush acted quickly in responding to these jabs. "I got about as soft as his big fat butt. Heh Heh. Oh wait"

During his announcement the former President Bush made it clear that he was not going to hold back, and would tell his story no matter who got hurt. "A lot of people aren't going to be happy when they get a look at this," said the ex-President. "I plan on depicting people how they really were ... not how they presented themselves to the American people." The former President then chugged a beer, belched, and attempted to break wind when he suddenly ran inside the house.

When the Bush returned, in a bathrobe, he added that he no longer feared "timeout" or "international war." He even went on to state that

he'd never felt this free in years. "Hell, when I was President somebody was always tellin me what to do. Approve this, veto that. Bomb them, kill him. Blah blah blah blah. But now, I can do what I want and say what I want. Did you know that Colin Powel has a tiny penis? And that Cheney can see better at night?"

In an interesting move, Bush has chosen to depict his time as President in a coloring book format. "I was never good with words and I feel as though pictures offer the full range of emotions," said the former President. "Also, I really like coloring."

Bush assured the media that his memoirs, entitled "Cowboy White House: The Legend of the Lonestar Kid and the Old Scary Butt Ass" would be available to the public quite soon as he has more important things to worry about.

"I'm working really hard to finish it up. After that I'm going to focus entirely on finding the island on LOST," said the President. "Don't worry. We'll bring you heros home ... and Desmond."

College Football Preview

The end of August signifies many things such as....... OK we can't think of anything besides the start of college football season. Here at RoofMonkeys, our crack staff of sports reporters have compiled a list of what you need to know for this upcoming season of collegiate pigskin.

-In a coaching change, Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis named his left and right breasts offensive and defensive coordinators. Discouraged by the snub, Charlie Weis' FUPA signs with Fox Sports as a college football analyst.

-West Virginia announced the signing of National Honors Society member Dat Sun Chen. Chen will play reading back and will translate the playbook for illiterate running back Noel Devine. Head Coach Bill Stewart announced that the signing of Chen raised the team GPA to a school record 0.4.

-The BCS competition committee voted to change the post season format. A computer program will be designed to randomly choose which BCS team will be national champion. Another computer program will be designed to kick a representative from the Mountain West Conference in the nuts.

-Hall of Fame Head Coach Lou Holtz will not return to ESPN as a college football analyst. Holtz proved ineffective as an analyst due to insistence that the forward pass was an illegal play. Holtz also regularly referred to cheerleaders as hussies and took naps during the 2nd and 3rd quarters.

-Amidst criticism that the level of competition in the Big Ten Conference was below average, Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delany announced the addition of an eleventh team Gallaudet University. Gallaudet, a renowned school for the deaf, boasts an impeccable road record which is attributed to their silent snap counts.
(Editor's note: There are now twelve, not eleven, teams in the Big Ten. RoofMonkeys was unaware that Indiana had a football team due to decades of obscurity and terribleness.)

-The Florida Gators received a record 58 of 60 first place votes in the Associated Press Preseason Poll. The two dissenting voters were Jay Mariotti who voted for his alma mater, Douchebag University, and Skip Bayless who voted for himself.

-UPDATE: Moments before this article was supposed to be released, sources indicated that West Virginia Freshman Dat Sun Chen was arrested at a strip club on allegations of public intoxication, battery, and illegal possession of a firearm. RB Noel Devine was unable to comment on the situation because no one had read him the news.

Dr. Obama Is In!

Many American’s are up in arms about the current Health Care Reform Bill. While much of this is attributed to idiots like Glenn Beck claiming that helping poor people is un-American (“I was born white, why did he choose not to be”), there are also some controversial policies tucked away in the 1,000+ page report. Roof Monkeys took on the arduous task of reading every last word to find out what has really gotten these people riled up:

- Mandatory dental appointments for all Hillbilly’s, Red Necks, mouth-breathers, inbreds, yokels, country folk, NASCAR fans, and the state of Alabama

- Affirmative Action now applies to doctor’s waiting room

- To save money, hospital gowns will now end at the belly button

- “Free health care for all” actually just 30-day risk-free trial

- Only applies to lower 48 states

- Preexisting conditions now include constipation and hunger

- PhDs will be now serve as surgeons and physicians

- Coverage excludes any Nacho Cheese-related injury

-   No “Death Panels” but there is a Death Panel of One, and it ain’t Jesus. Here’s a hint: He wear’s a turban.

 

Pitino Scandal Not A First For Coaches

Rick Pitino's extramarital affair with Karen Sypher has brought unwanted publicity upon the University of Louisville. This wasn't the first time a coach has raised headlines and caused headaches for their employers. Roof Monkeys takes a look back at some of the most memorable news worthy moments from head coaches.

-Mistaking them for buffet items, Rick Majerus eats three small children at the St. Louis University basketball team's awards banquet.

-Joe Paterno is caught in the middle of a paternity lawsuit when Roberta McCain, mother of Senator John McClain, claims that Paterno is the true father of her son.

-University of Washington Football Coach Rick Neuheisel foolishly picks 16 seed South Carolina State to upset 1 seed Oklahoma in a 2003 NCCA Basketball Bracket Challenge. Neuheisel is subsequently fired for being terrible at gambling and gambling.

-Bill Belichick is caught taping the season finale of “I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here”

-Pat Summit causes controversy by signing a cross dressing male player to the University of Tennessee's Lady Volunteers basketball team. The player would eventually make it to the WNBA and be the basis for the Academy Award winning documentary, Juwana Mann.

-Bricklayer's Coach Dean Cain of MTV's Rock 'N' Jock Basketball is outcoached by the Violator's Bill Bellamy as Cain opts for a 2-3 zone defense despite the Violator's outside shooting prowess. Marky Mark makes the Bricklayers pay by scoring 33 points in a Violator's victory. Cain is not asked backed as coach the following year and is casted over by some random guy in Superman Returns.

-Golden State Warriors coach PJ Carlissimo irresponsibly puts his neck between Forward Latrell Sprewell's hands resulting in the team losing their star player for the rest of the season.

Hillary Clinton to Negotiate Return of Elian Gonzalez to U.S.

WASHINGTON, DC – In the wake of her husband's negotiated return of two captured American journalists from North Korea, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced she would be travelling to Cuba to facilitate the return of former Cuban refugee Elian Gonzalez to the United States. As a child, Gonzalez was the center of a highly publicized international custody battle between family members in the United States and Cuba.

Gonzalez, 15, stated that he has not reached out to Secretary Clinton or has any interest in returning to the United States.

“I am very happy here living with my father in Cuba,” Gonzalez said. “I don't know why the scary pantsuited lady called my father, but my dad said we might be able to meet Bill Clinton which would be muy bueno!”

Many are quesitoning Sec. Clinton's motives for the negotiation. US Weekly reported that a source in Sec. Clinton's inner circle said “This is totally pay back for Bill picking up those two Chinese chicks last week!” Sources also indicated that Sec. Clinton plans on deleting Mr. Clinton's TIVO season passes and flirting with the black guy at work.

Ortiz implicates Theo Epstein in Red Sox steroid scandal

BOSTON, MA – Blame continues to get tossed around after it was revealed that teammates David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez tested positive for PEDs in 2003. David Ortiz recently pointed his finger at the man who hired him, Theo Epstein.

            “I should have seen it coming,” said an angry Ortiz. “Why else would he want to me to eat so many hot dogs prepared by his ‘personal chef.’”

            Ortiz alleges that after being waived by the Twins, Epstein approached him with interest in signing him to the Red Sox.

            “He basically just walked around me a couple of times, saying things like, ‘That frame should hold some muscle,’ and ‘You’re just fat enough to look natural.’ I thought he was just being nice.”

            Ortiz admits that he’s at fault for not realizing it sooner, and not being able to control himself, “I mean these hotdogs were juicy, and huge.”

When he asked why they were so plump, Epstein responded, “They’re just pumped full of love. Love that will make you better and stronger.”

Epstein refused to comment on the allegations stating that he didn’t have the time and we didn’t have the money.

Vick requests to work for PETA's dog-killing department

VIRGINIA – After being informed of his conditional reinstatement to the NFL, Mike Vick said he’d still like to do volunteer work during his free time. Specifically, he would like to work with his main detractor, PETA.

“I am trying very hard to repair my image, and that starts in the community,” said Vick. “I was told that PETA euthanizes thousands of dogs each year so they don’t starve to death … and well, I’m pretty good at killing dogs.”

Since his release from jail, Vick has been worked construction, mentored at a boys and girls club, and is currently helping after school at a local high school. “This is my chance to help the ones that I hurt,” sai

d a remorseful Vick. “You know, by killing them.” After a long pause he added, “So they don’t starve on the streets.”

Our attempts to reach PETA founder Ingrid Newkirk were unsuccessful as she is on her honeymoon with her second husband, Joey, a 6-year-old Cocker Spaniel she met at an anti-fur rally.

Whether or not Vick is able to work with PETA, this initiative is definitely a step in the right direction. More efforts like this, and not being signed by the Cowboys, should help him restore his image as a regular thug, rather than a dog-murdering thug.

Terrell Owens - You just got Punk'd

BUFFALO, NY – Joy turned to sadness in a matter of seconds as the Buffalo Bills’ signing of high-profile receiver Terrell Owens was revealed to be the season premiere of MTV’s Punk’d. Bills nation was sent into frenzy this past weekend when it was announced their team had landed the free agent, finally giving them a hope for the playoffs and a sign the team really wanted to compete.

However, all of that excitement came to a screeching halt during Owens’ introductory press conference. Just as Terrell was about to answer a question on how his addition will help the Bills offense, he was joined on stage by Punk’d host Ashton Kutcher, appropriately wearing a trucker hat with the slogan “Buffalo? Really?” Kutcher proceeded to bear hug Owens’ from behind exclaiming, “We’re taking you back to Dallas right now!”

            Upon seeing it was Kutcher, a relieved Owens said, “I can’t believe you got me. I actually thought I was going to have to play for the Buffalo Bills.” Silence filled the room as members of the Buffalo press, front office, and fan base stood shocked.

            “I’ve wanted to Punk Terrell for a long time,” said an exuberant Kutcher. “The fact that we also got to Punk the entire city of Buffalo and all the Bills’ fans just made it that much better.”

            The two celebrities were then joined on stage by Cowboy’s owner Jerry Jones and Owens’ agent Drew Rosenhaus, who were both “in on it from the start.”

            Terrell Owens will return to Dallas and rejoin the team this Saturday, and the Bills will return to being hopeless immediately.

            

Obama gives up hope for Lent

In order to honor the time Jesus Christ spent in the desert resisting temptation, and prove he's not a Muslim, President Obama has announced he will give up hope for lent. 

America is all too familiar with Obama's relationship with hope. It seems as though every

 time things looked dark in his life, he would use hope as a crutch to keep him on his feet. Obama himself admits to relying a little too much on hope. 

"Anybody who followed my campaign knows that hope is, and always has been a part of my life," said the President. "But not for the next 40 days. I'm givin it up. I just found out the word for hope in Spanish also means wait. Man that was depressing to find out."

President Obama continued to lament his dependence on hope, "Plus I feel kind of bad. I think I got America addicted to the stuff too."

It certainly seems as though America has been breathing in secondhand hope. Obama won by a landslide in the November election and has been the talk of the earth ever since. And the most common answer when voters were asked why they voted for Obama ... "He's the candidate who gives us the most hope for tomorrow."

Whether or not President Obama, and America, can get over their reliance on hope is yet to be seen. We can only hope so.