Bills having trouble finding new coach

BUFFALO, NY – With the recent firing of head coach Dick Jauron, the Buffalo Bills immediately began searching for a replacement coach. Believing this to be the last head coach he would hire, 92 year-old owner Ralph Wilson wanted to make the right choice.

“I am going to do everything within my power to get the right coach and bring a championship to Buffalo,” said Wilson at a press conference. “Unfortunately, every coach we’ve contacted is currently out to lunch and has yet to return our calls.”

Sources throughout the league have named Mike Shannahan, Bill Cowher, and Jon Gruden as coaches already contacted by the Bills.

“We have indeed contacted some big name coaches to fill the position,” said Bills C.O.O. Russ Brandon. “We’re still waiting to hear back. Mike [Shannahan] has been at lunch for about 140 hours. Of course if I were retired I’d take long lunches too.”

Roof Monkeys called Coach Shannahan yesterday for comment. He picked up on the first ring and had this to say, “Oh yeah, basically my phone is real messed up. I can get calls and stuff, but I can’t make them. So I can’t call them back, they just have to call and hope I’m around. If you can tell them that, I’d really appreciate it.”

Buffalo has not made the playoffs in over decade. After an exciting off-season including the signing of volatile WR Terrell Owens, the Bills have earned a 3-7 record, leading to the firing of coach Dick Jauron.

As of press time, the Bills are still awaiting friend confirmation from Mike Holmgren and are holding talks about poking him.

Terrell Owens - You just got Punk'd

BUFFALO, NY – Joy turned to sadness in a matter of seconds as the Buffalo Bills’ signing of high-profile receiver Terrell Owens was revealed to be the season premiere of MTV’s Punk’d. Bills nation was sent into frenzy this past weekend when it was announced their team had landed the free agent, finally giving them a hope for the playoffs and a sign the team really wanted to compete.

However, all of that excitement came to a screeching halt during Owens’ introductory press conference. Just as Terrell was about to answer a question on how his addition will help the Bills offense, he was joined on stage by Punk’d host Ashton Kutcher, appropriately wearing a trucker hat with the slogan “Buffalo? Really?” Kutcher proceeded to bear hug Owens’ from behind exclaiming, “We’re taking you back to Dallas right now!”

            Upon seeing it was Kutcher, a relieved Owens said, “I can’t believe you got me. I actually thought I was going to have to play for the Buffalo Bills.” Silence filled the room as members of the Buffalo press, front office, and fan base stood shocked.

            “I’ve wanted to Punk Terrell for a long time,” said an exuberant Kutcher. “The fact that we also got to Punk the entire city of Buffalo and all the Bills’ fans just made it that much better.”

            The two celebrities were then joined on stage by Cowboy’s owner Jerry Jones and Owens’ agent Drew Rosenhaus, who were both “in on it from the start.”

            Terrell Owens will return to Dallas and rejoin the team this Saturday, and the Bills will return to being hopeless immediately.