Andy Reid to undergo experimental weight surgery

In the wake of Jets’ head coach Rex Ryan’s decision to undergo weight reduction surgery, Philadelphia Eagles' head coach Andy Reid announced he too would undergo surgery.

Rather than getting his stomach stapled or banded, Reid will have a considerable amount of fat removed from his stomach … and placed on his ass.

“My decision to go through with this risky surgery was a tough one,” said Reid at a press conference. “However, in recent years I have experienced extreme difficulty and pain when sitting down or standing up. Hopefully this procedure will correct that.”

While most people expected Reid to announce he would undergo surgery to lose weight, this procedure would actually make it easier for him to gain weight. By removing fat from his stomach and moving it to his ass, Reid will be able to “sit down” simply by leaning backwards. When he wants to stand up, he can easily roll forward, easing the pressure on his joints and heart.

“Hopefully, I’ll now be able to walk up to the buffet, then instantly sit down and start feeding,” grumbled a drooling Reid. “And on the sidelines I can post up at the 50-yard line and just swivel. It’ll do wonders for my clock management.”

College Football Preview

The end of August signifies many things such as....... OK we can't think of anything besides the start of college football season. Here at RoofMonkeys, our crack staff of sports reporters have compiled a list of what you need to know for this upcoming season of collegiate pigskin.

-In a coaching change, Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis named his left and right breasts offensive and defensive coordinators. Discouraged by the snub, Charlie Weis' FUPA signs with Fox Sports as a college football analyst.

-West Virginia announced the signing of National Honors Society member Dat Sun Chen. Chen will play reading back and will translate the playbook for illiterate running back Noel Devine. Head Coach Bill Stewart announced that the signing of Chen raised the team GPA to a school record 0.4.

-The BCS competition committee voted to change the post season format. A computer program will be designed to randomly choose which BCS team will be national champion. Another computer program will be designed to kick a representative from the Mountain West Conference in the nuts.

-Hall of Fame Head Coach Lou Holtz will not return to ESPN as a college football analyst. Holtz proved ineffective as an analyst due to insistence that the forward pass was an illegal play. Holtz also regularly referred to cheerleaders as hussies and took naps during the 2nd and 3rd quarters.

-Amidst criticism that the level of competition in the Big Ten Conference was below average, Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delany announced the addition of an eleventh team Gallaudet University. Gallaudet, a renowned school for the deaf, boasts an impeccable road record which is attributed to their silent snap counts.
(Editor's note: There are now twelve, not eleven, teams in the Big Ten. RoofMonkeys was unaware that Indiana had a football team due to decades of obscurity and terribleness.)

-The Florida Gators received a record 58 of 60 first place votes in the Associated Press Preseason Poll. The two dissenting voters were Jay Mariotti who voted for his alma mater, Douchebag University, and Skip Bayless who voted for himself.

-UPDATE: Moments before this article was supposed to be released, sources indicated that West Virginia Freshman Dat Sun Chen was arrested at a strip club on allegations of public intoxication, battery, and illegal possession of a firearm. RB Noel Devine was unable to comment on the situation because no one had read him the news.