Week 5 Picks

It's gambling time! We are a quarter of the way through the regular season, and you know what that means! There's only 12 weeks left to build on your already massive gambling debt that will eventually destroy your life! Here's the picks and as always the home teams are in CAPS.

New England Patriots -3.5 DENVER BRONCOS
With so much on the line for Bill Belichick has gone to new lengths to protect his quarterback and beat his old protégé. He found out that according to the new rules, a penalty will be assessed if a member of Broncos hits Tom Brady’s knee, knee brace, oxygen machine, clown shoe, paparazzi, or tampon string. Since Brady brings all that and a small dog, he should be seeing yellow all day.

Roof Monkeys Pick: New England

BALTIMORE RAVENS -8.5 Cincinnati Bengals
Stabbings, drug deals, carjackings, fires ... and that’s just the players parking long. These AFC North rivals (why not?) are fighting for division supremacy and showertime anal virginity. Expect some tears and tear tattoos in the Ravens locker room. Cincinnati rolls.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Cincinnati

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS -2.5 Atlanta Falcons
Michael Crabtree has signed. He totally worked the 49ers. Not only did they not cave in to his demands, but he alienated his coach and teammates. Luckily they’re 0-4 and in desperate need of a playmaker. Oh wait, Crabtree’s just a whiny little bitch. Congrats 49ers, enjoy Braylon Edwards II.


Roof Monkeys Pick: Atlanta

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS -.5 Jacksonville Jaguars
Word is Matt Hasselbeck is set to return this week. Luckily the Roof Monkeys’ pick is already locked with this spread. You bet you’re ass we’ll be part of the 13th man this weekend. Oh, if you’re wondering they had to make the fans the 13th man to make room for Mike Holmgren.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Seattle

ARIZONA CARDINALS - 5.5 Houston Texans
The threat of another possible blackout looms over the Cardinals organization coming into Sunday’s game. I guess making the Super Bowl wasn’t enough. Of course, if they do get blacked out, the network will probably make more money off of advertising during Matlock. Although, that might distract Kurt Warner

Roof Monkeys Pick: Arizona

Indianapolis Colts - 3.5 TENNESSEE TITANS
Let’s be honest people, we all expected Peyton Manning to do well. What we didn’t expect, was a team with a alcoholic quarterback, no WRs known outside the locker room, a RB who lost weight by not drinking Petron, and no run defense to be 0-4. I mean, where did that come from.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Indianapolis

New York Jets - 1.5 MIAMI DOLPHINS
Rex Ryan recently said that he regretted talking trash with Miami LB Channing Crowder in the preseason. He said it was a complete misunderstanding. He wasn’t talking trash to Channing Crowder, he thought they said Clam Chowder. When he believed that Clam Chowder would say such hurtful things, after all the love he’s given it, well he just didn’t know what to do.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Miami

BUFFALO BILLS –6.5 Cleveland Browns
The Browns secured their first victory of the season when they were able to trade Braylon Edwards to the Jets for someone not named Braylon Edwards. Despite a successful week 4 against the Bengals, Browns fans are hoping WR Mohamed Massquoi can fill Edwards role of dropping every ball and punching out friends of LeBron James.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Buffalo Bills

Pittsburgh Steelers -10.5 DETROIT LIONS
Detroit has had a rough week that featured the Tigers losing Game 163 to the Twins and starting QB Matthew Stafford injuring his knee against the Bears. Things will only get worse as Roof Monkey Economists anticipate the city of Detroit's high unemployment rate to increase after QB Ben Roethlisberger gets half the wait staff at Sizzler fired for carding an underaged woman at his table.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Pittsburgh Steelers

Dallas Cowboys - 8.5 KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
The debate brewing in Dallas has been whether QB Tony Romo should tone down his gunslinging style of play and attempt to only manage the game. The debate brewing in Kansas City has been whether QB Matt Cassell should tone down his horrific style of play and attempt to only not lose every fucking game he starts.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Dallas Cowboys

Minnesota Vikings –10.5 ST. LOUIS RAMS
The big news in St. Louis was conservative radio show host Rush Limbaugh making a pitch to buy the Rams. In an attempt to gain support, Limbaugh is planning to leave painkillers from his personal stash in Brett Favre's locker in hopes the Rams will pull the upset if the gunslinger is reacquainted with an old friend.

Roof Monkeys Pick: St. Louis Rams

NEW YORK GIANTS -16.5 Oakland Raiders
If Eli Manning is shelved with his heel injury we could see the "Shitty #1 Overall Draft Pick QB Bowl" starring JaMarcus Russell and David Carr. Who will toss more picks? Who will overthrow more receivers? To pick the less shitty of these two shitty QBs we turned to the wise man Sean Combs who said "Mo Money Mo Problems". Sorry JaMarcus your shittiness is amplified by your shitty contract.

Roof Monkeys Pick: New York Giants

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES -13.5 Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The Eagles have plenty of talent under center with Donny McNabb returning from injury this week. The only positive we could find about Bucs starting QB Josh Johnson is that he's Marshawn Lynch's cousin. No word on if Beast Mode is hereditary, so we'll stick with the Eagles.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Philadelphia Eagles

CAROLINA PANTHERS -3.5 Washington Redskins
Instead of acknowledging this terrible game is actually taking place we would rather handicap the WNBA Finals. We like the Phoenix Mercury over the Indiana umm Pacerettes? due to the Mercury having more lesbians. And not the hot lesbians, the kind that are really good at guy stuff, like basketball.

Roof Monkeys Pick: Phoenix Mercury

Week 3 Picks

With the economy struggling, Roof Monkeys is pitching in to help out. How you ask? By providing invaluable gambling advice! Here are our picks for Week 3 NFL action. Home teams are in caps.



NEW YORK JETS -2.5 Tennessee Titans
It’s the classic tale of age versus beauty, convenient store six pack versus six pack abs, grey hair with a pale complexion versus dark hair with a Mexican complexion, keep an eye on your liquor cabinet versus keep an eye on your daughter, etc … Titans come out of their funk and defeat an anemic (yet still efficient) Jets offensive attack.

Roof Monkeys pick: Tennessee

HOUSTON TEXANS -3.5 Jacksonville Jaguars
Oh my god. Seriously? Is this really a game? David Garrard may be more focused since he lost his Reading Rainbow hosting duties, but the rest of his team still sucks. Look for the fattest fans in football to rally their team to victory.

Roof Monkeys pick: Houston

PHILIADELPHIA EAGLES -9.5 Kansas City Chiefs
Despite QB Donovan McNabb's injury, the Eagles should have no trouble having their way with the lowly Chiefs. We recommend parlaying the cover with Mike Vick's pit bull Daisy over Chiefs' mascot KC Wolf in the postgame dogfight.

Roof Monkeys pick: Philadelphia

BALTIMORE RAVENS -13.5 Cleveland Browns
An offense in Baltimore that isn’t criminal? We must still be feeling the PCP we bought off of Ray Lewis. No? It’s true? That’s right folks, the Ravens are putting points on the board and opponents in the dirt. Forget points, the Browns need a miracle to do something worthwhile.

Roof Monkeys pick: Baltimore

New York Giants -7.5 TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
The Giants are clearly talented enough to run away with this one, the question is can they stay focused? If Giants' Head Coach Tom Coughlin can limit the retirement community tours and banging 65 year old talent while in Florida, the G-Men should be all right.

Roof Monkeys pick: New York

Washington Redskins - 6.5 DETROIT LIONS
A trip to Detroit, where opponents walk out with a guaranteed win almost every time, is like a vacation for NFL teams. A vacation featuring bombed out buildings, skyhigh crime rates, and very reasonable crack prices.

Roof Monkeys pick: Washington

Green Bay Packers -6.5 ST. LOUIS RAMS
Combine Green Bay's disappointing Week 2 loss to the Bengals with the futile play of the Rams and you're going to need a lot of Budweiser or Miller Lite to watch this game. We like St. Louis, because Miller Lite tastes like piss.

Roof Monkeys pick: St. Louis

MINNESOTA VIKINGS -7 San Francisco 49ers
Adrian Peterson's 2008 base salary was $370,000. Stop being such a bitch Michael Crabtree, the Niners' $20 million offer can buy you plenty of Cleveland Steamers and Hot Carls in San Francisco.

Roof Monkeys pick: Minnesota

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS -4.5 Atlanta Falcons
The once dominant Patriots have struggled in 2009. QB Tom Brady is at the forefront of those struggles, with a dismal 76.8 quarterback rating, only 2 touchdowns, and 0 children born out of wedlock this season.

Roof Monkeys pick: Atlanta

Chicago Bears -2.5 SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
With QB Matt Hasselbeck sitting at home due to injury, Seattle should expect a lot more losses. With LB Brian Urlacher sitting at home due to injury, Chicago should expect a lot more paternity lawsuits.

Roof Monkeys pick: Chicago

New Orleans Saints -6 BUFFALO BILLS
Brees' college days at Purdue will have him comfortable playing in Buffalo where the ugly weather is only matched by the ugly women. Look for Saints' QB Drew Brees to have another big game.

Roof Monkeys pick: New Orleans

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS -5.5 Miami Dolphins
Bragging rights are on the line for this match up. Can San Diego retain it's title as America's Drug Smuggling Capital? We surveyed 100 drug mules and the consensus was the Chargers.

Roof Monkeys pick: San Diego

Pittsburgh Steelers -3.5 CINCINNATI BENGALS
The upset minded Bengals have a good chance of ending their futility against their division rivals. The key to the upset win will be keeping players off the injury report and the police blotter.

Roof Monkeys pick: Cincinnati

OAKLAND RAIDERS -1.5 Denver Broncos
Due to the crackdown on waterboarding, the CIA has been forcing prisoners to watch AFC West games as a new interrogation tactic. Look for a Denver cover and an Al-Qaeda plot to be exposed this Sunday.

Roof Monkeys pick: Denver

ARIZONA CARDINALS -2.5 Indianapolis Colts
Expect QB Kurt Warner to build on his impressive Week 2 outing where he completed 24 of 26 passes. Backup QB Matt Leinart had an equally impressive week where he did not contract any new STDs from 14 of 16 girls he nailed.

Roof Monkeys pick: Arizona

DALLAS COWBOYS -8.5 Carolina Panthers
Due to the terrible QB play of both starters, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell issued a new scoring system for this game. Interceptions are worth 6 points, fumbles are worth 3, and alienating yourself from your teammates due to your horrific play is worth 10.

Roof Monkeys pick: Dallas

Vick requests to work for PETA's dog-killing department

VIRGINIA – After being informed of his conditional reinstatement to the NFL, Mike Vick said he’d still like to do volunteer work during his free time. Specifically, he would like to work with his main detractor, PETA.

“I am trying very hard to repair my image, and that starts in the community,” said Vick. “I was told that PETA euthanizes thousands of dogs each year so they don’t starve to death … and well, I’m pretty good at killing dogs.”

Since his release from jail, Vick has been worked construction, mentored at a boys and girls club, and is currently helping after school at a local high school. “This is my chance to help the ones that I hurt,” sai

d a remorseful Vick. “You know, by killing them.” After a long pause he added, “So they don’t starve on the streets.”

Our attempts to reach PETA founder Ingrid Newkirk were unsuccessful as she is on her honeymoon with her second husband, Joey, a 6-year-old Cocker Spaniel she met at an anti-fur rally.

Whether or not Vick is able to work with PETA, this initiative is definitely a step in the right direction. More efforts like this, and not being signed by the Cowboys, should help him restore his image as a regular thug, rather than a dog-murdering thug.

NFL Power Rankings

1. New England Patriots – They may have overcome spygate, but it’ll be interesting to see if they can stop vomiting after viewing Bill Belichick’s sex tape.

2. Indianapolis Colts – With Marvin Harrison finally healthy, the Colts hope to successfully implement a new Carwash Shotgun offense.

3. San Diego Chargers – After last years crushing loss, Norv Turner is on the hot seat. Although to be fair his seat is actually on fire, along with the training facility and several players’ homes.

4. Dallas Cowboys – Who says Pacman’s not a team player? He ordered his posse to paralyze T.O. so he can’t walk to the medicine cabinet.

5. Jacksonville Jaguars – We’re obligated to rank the Jaguars, but nobody really cares about them. Well, the city of Jacksonville cares about them, but people care even less about them. Get destroyed by a hurricane or something, then we’ll talk.

6. New York Giants – Eli Manning’s goal last year was to earn the respect of his teammates, and he did it. His goal this year is finally go through puberty.

7. Pittsburgh Steelers – Pittsburgh’s love of Ben Rothlisberger has straddled the line between gay and straight. His jersey sales have officially eclipsed jean shorts and chew.

8. Green Bay Packers – After all the drama, this is a great opportunity for Aaron Rodgers. He feels as giddy as Mark Chmura during prom season.

9. Buffalo Bills – It’s cold, they always lose and the average length of a girl’s period in Buffalo is 8 months. The least we could do was give them some hope.

10. Seattle Seahawks – Mike Holmgren is hoping to finish his last season on a high note. Then he can happily lay on a Seattle pier and grow out his tusks.

11. Cleveland Browns – This season will probably come down to them solving the quarterback controversy. Is Brady Quinn gay?

12. Minnesota Vikings ­– Adrien Peterson broke the single game rushing record with 296 yards. Though impressive its merely the average weight for a Minnesotan woman.

13. New Orleans Saints – The injury to Duece McCallister has left the New Orleans offense more depleted than, well, New Orleans.

14. Philadelphia Eagles – It’s all about Donovan McNabb staying healthy. Of course that’s like asking Andy Reid to stay away from a second cheese steak.

15. Tennessee Titans – It appears as though Vince Young is improving, still, he did score a 6 out of 50 on the Wanderlic test. Then again, his retard strength may come in handy.

16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – They made the playoffs last year despite having Buttfuck McSodomy behind center. If they want to take it to the next level they’ll have to cut down on the “delay of gays” penalties.

17. Washington Redskins – Coming into the season the Redskins appear invigorated by their playoff run. Though their lagging secondary could use a shot in the leg.

18. Arizona Cardinals – Fans shouldn’t worry about those photos of Matt Leinart partying this off-season. He’s the only person to score in a Cardinal’s jersey in years.

19. Houston Texans – Though they’re 19^th in the power rankings, they’re #1 in least original team name.

20. Carolina Panthers – See Jacksonville Jaguars.

21. Baltimore Ravens ­– With Steve McNair now retired Joe Flacco will have to learn how to drive drunk and conceal a gun from another team veteran. Luckily, Ray Lewis still holds his annual “Chili Cook-off and Sucka Stab-a-thon.”

22. Denver Broncos – The departure of Javon Walker may help to sweeten the locker room atmosphere in Denver. Hopefully for Jay Cutler’s sake it’s not too sweet.

23. New York Jets – Interesting fact, New Jersey only smells the way it does because the Jets play there. Oh and the trash. By that I mean their fans.

24. Cincinnati Bengals – The Bengals are hoping to make the playoffs for the first time since 2005. Unless you count the 2006 Hamilton County Prison Championship.

25. Chicago Bears – Choosing between Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton is like choosing between herpes simplex 1 and herpes simplex 2.

26. St. Louis Rams – It’s tough to win when your No. 1 receiver refers to your coach as a whipper-snapper and complains about the younger players stepping on his lawn.

27. Oakland Raiders – You may have thought JaMarcus Russell’s holdout for more cash lasted a while, but it’ll be nothing compared to his holdout for success.

28. San Francisco 49ers – The only reason Mike Nolan wears a suit on the sidelines is because he’s witnessing his coaching career die every Sunday.

29. Detroit Lions ­– The team is just plain terrible and they have the only stadium heated by trashcan fires and old starter jackets.

30. Kansas City Chiefs – Brody Croyle is looking forward to this season. Not for the opportunity to start but because Larry Johnson told him he’d teach him to talk to girls.

31. Miami Dolphins – Say what you want about the quarterback situation in Miami, but they’re still on pace to match Hall of Famer Dan Marino’s Superbowl victory total.

32. Atlanta Falcons – They’ve got a tough season ahead relying on rookie signal caller Matt Ryan. Sadly he’s more nervous than Michael Vick at a dog show.