Baseball faces steroids giant sized head on

Steroids are once again at the forefront of baseball media coverage. With the leaked information of Alex Rodriquez being one of 104 major league players who tested positive in 2003, baseball is in a state of chaos. Out of all this mess, the biggest fear on everybody’s mind is, “Who else did steroids?” To get some answers we interviewed current and former players to ask them about the issue.

Albert Pujols, St. Louis Cardinals: “Nah man. I never touched the stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I thought about it. I know guys who did and I saw results. Plus I’m in St. Louis. There’s not much else to do. Have you seen the women? This place might as well be called ‘Warmer Cleveland.’”

Manny Ramirez, Free Agent: “Last time I checked. Having another man put something in your butt is gay. I’m not gay. Last time I checked.”

Jeff Kent, Retired: “I blame the blacks. Oh and Abe Lincoln, that fuckin’ coward!”

Alfonso Soriano, Chicago Cub: “¿Que? ¿Donde compro los esteroides? ¿Sabes?”

Rafael Palmero, Limp-dicked liar: “Remember when Juan Gonzalez and I were awesome?   …   No? Are you sure?  …..   yeah, nobody ever does.”

David Wells, Retired: “Who gives a shit?!?! It’s fuckin baseball. People think I was hungover when I pitched my perfect game. Wrong! I was wasted. Before I took the mound I had about 3 BoomerWangs. It’s my signature cocktail. Basically just horse tranquilizers, stripper sweat, and maybe a buffalo wing or two.”

 

Curt Schilling, Asshole: We’re just kidding we didn’t interview him, nobody actually gives a shit what he thinks.

A-Rod: "I cheated ... on my SATs, taxes, my boyfriend...."

"I did it," said a regretful Alex Rodriguez at a press conference last Saturday. "I took PEDs from 2001-2003, and for that I am sorry."

“After I signed my contract with a Texas I was under intense pressure to perform at a high level. I was so used to having no expectations in Seattle, that I didn’t see any other choice,” conceded Rodriquez. “Luckily I don’t face any of that same pressure here in New York.”

“I can’t say enough, how sorry and embarrassed I am. I apologize to my fans, the organization, and my family,” said Rodriguez while tearing. “Most of all, I’d like to apologize to my teammates.

“Derek, you’ve really been supportive through everything. I want to say I’m sorry for masturbating in your duffle bag. And Giambi, I have to admit, I was the one who shaved your moustache. It was no coincidence my new pubes were the same color.”

"While we're at it, I'm also sorry for wearing a shit ton of make-up to this interview, voting for Bush, keeping Madonna relevant, voting for Bush again, and for attempting to fellate Joe Torre on a number of occasions.”

Barry Bonds seeks more surgery

After announcing he would undergo hip surgery in order to ready himself for a return to baseball, Barry Bonds stated he would go a step further.

"I will have my personality surgically repaired," said Bonds after a meeting with famed Dr. James Andrews. "Specifically, [Dr. Andrews] will locate and remove the asshole portion of my behavior."

Throughout his career Bonds has been considered an errant prick to both members of the media and of his fan club. Last year, even though his services were available, not one major league team contacted the home run king. Although Bond's will turn 45 this July, he still put up stellar numbers in recent years. This, of course, is because of the massive amounts of steroids he did, allegedly.

In addition to the asterisk tattooed on his face, metaphorically, his off field demeanor has distracted teams and fans from seeing his on-field accomplishments. In the past he has consistently called the media unfair. Deriding everything from their treatment of his father to their coverage of his defiling of sports more coveted record.

Baseball and medical experts are unsure of how this will end up. While he may no longer have an asshole, he will, most likely, remain a huge ass. Still, surgery appears to be the only option, if Barry still believes he can play, and destroy the integrity of our national pastime, at a high level.

Canseco starts tell-all blog

In his latest attempt to be an asshole, Jose Canseco has launched a tell-all blog, www.ihave28inchbicepsandknowallsteroidsecrets.com.  Intended to out more athletes as steroid users, the blog fails to deliver as a trustworthy source. Though many of Canseco's past accusations have proved true, his current stories of steroid abuse seem to be completely fabricated. In a post on June 23rd, while apparently reading through the Rays roster, Canseco admits to doing steroids with a then 12-year-old Evan Longoria.

"Lets see. Evan Longoria, oh man, this kid has been using for years. I was out in Cali meeting with Little Leaguers to discuss the dangers of doing steriods. While I'm talking I see this one kid who's clearly not buying what I'm selling. So after I'm done speaking I decide to test him. I take him behind the snackbar and ask him if he wants the truth. Of course he says yes, so I break out a syringe and some juice. He cautiously asked what'll happen, so I tell him the only answer. 'Your dreams will become reality," then jammed a needle into his thigh. The rest is history.”

Aside from claiming that 95% of all athletes have done steroids, Canseco also makes claims that some of the mascots in professional sports are juicing.

“You think Bonds has a big head? Have you seen Mr. Met. That’s the guy that put Radmonski on the map. Have you seen him pump up those fans and take pictures with kids? Where do you think all that energy comes from? It’s not Wheaties.”

Canseco's blog also delves into his own personal dilemmas and apparently ongoing steroid use. In one recent post he discusses his decision to defend Roger Clemens. After admitting he's lying, the post digresses into the first captured incident of roid-rage on a blog.

  "Man, this Roger thing is really getting to me. I mean, yeah, it's fun to mix everything up and defend one of my oldest juicing buddies, but I just want to out him so badly. But the thing is, every word I've spoken up until this has been true, so they have no choice but to believe me. Those morons can't deny my superior knowledge of the steroid underworld. My case is fuckin bulletproof. You know what else is bulletproof? These fuckin pecs! Yeah baby, you like that. I don't use that HGH pansy shit they give to your grandma for wrinkles. FUCK THAT SHIT! FUCK IT!! I GO STRAIGHT EIGHTIES STYLE! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! All these fucking losers today, using steroids to get healthly. Why doesn't your fucking boyfriend take care of you? I use steroids to go to the top. I'm bigger than you, stronger. I can type faster than you. You can't blog like this! My fuckin blog is out of fucking control!"

While this would certainly be case for discussion, it won't take place on Canseco's message boards. This is due to his warning that "Any pussies who think I'm wrong will be beaten." In addition to daily blog posts the site offers a text message newsletter telling you which athlete in the news that morning was "totally a juicer."