Baseball faces steroids giant sized head on

Steroids are once again at the forefront of baseball media coverage. With the leaked information of Alex Rodriquez being one of 104 major league players who tested positive in 2003, baseball is in a state of chaos. Out of all this mess, the biggest fear on everybody’s mind is, “Who else did steroids?” To get some answers we interviewed current and former players to ask them about the issue.

Albert Pujols, St. Louis Cardinals: “Nah man. I never touched the stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I thought about it. I know guys who did and I saw results. Plus I’m in St. Louis. There’s not much else to do. Have you seen the women? This place might as well be called ‘Warmer Cleveland.’”

Manny Ramirez, Free Agent: “Last time I checked. Having another man put something in your butt is gay. I’m not gay. Last time I checked.”

Jeff Kent, Retired: “I blame the blacks. Oh and Abe Lincoln, that fuckin’ coward!”

Alfonso Soriano, Chicago Cub: “¿Que? ¿Donde compro los esteroides? ¿Sabes?”

Rafael Palmero, Limp-dicked liar: “Remember when Juan Gonzalez and I were awesome?   …   No? Are you sure?  …..   yeah, nobody ever does.”

David Wells, Retired: “Who gives a shit?!?! It’s fuckin baseball. People think I was hungover when I pitched my perfect game. Wrong! I was wasted. Before I took the mound I had about 3 BoomerWangs. It’s my signature cocktail. Basically just horse tranquilizers, stripper sweat, and maybe a buffalo wing or two.”

 

Curt Schilling, Asshole: We’re just kidding we didn’t interview him, nobody actually gives a shit what he thinks.

Bush Refusing to Vacate Treehouse

As Barack Obama begins to make the White House his home, there's still one piece of the old regime that's refusing to leave ... the former president. According to White House sources, former President George W. Bush has apparently taken up full-time residence in a treehouse on the North Lawn.

"We kind of knew he was still around because of all the candy bar wrappers, so we followed the trail straight to the big oak tree," said a Secret Service Agent. "Then sure enough, there he was."

As his time as President wound down, Mr. Bush began spending more and more time in his secret clubhouse. At one point he tried to hold a cabinet meeting up there, leading to Vice President Cheney falling through the poorly built "deck." The resulting injuries left the VP wheelchair bound.

Whether or not Laura knows of, or cares about, the situation is still unknown, but we were able to reach the former President via Dixie cup last weekend. "Technically my treehouse is not on White House 'grounds' so I'm not too worried," said President Bush. "In fact, I may not even be part of the United States. I'm going to have to look into that..." The former President then trailed off and was heard looking for his "adding machine." Minutes later he crashed through the floor of the tree house and plummeted to the ground, hitting his head on the wooden ladder as he went down.

Seconds later, he was back in the tree, emerging after a few minutes to display his new sign "No Obama Allowed." What the current President will do about his houseguest remains to be seen.