Hormel Chili - Surprise Yourself

Tampa Bay Rays Contracted!

Fearing the lowest ratings in MLB post season history, Major League Baseball decided to contract the Tampa Bay Rays in the middle of the sixth inning last night. With the Rays leading 3-2 after the fifth, Major League executives decided enough was enough.

"They were playing good baseball. We had no other choice. We just couldn't risk it," reasoned MLB commissioner Bud Selig. "The possibility of a Rays-Brewers World Series is just too scary. From a business perspective it makes no sense at all."

After the White Sox were retired in the top of the sixth an announcement came on the JumboTron informing spectators to vacate the stadium immediately.

This comes as a sad end to a cinderella season for the Rays. After dropping the "Devil" from their team name, the Rays went on to win their first ever AL East pennant and earn the franchise's first ever playoff birth.

"It was a fun little experiment," added Rays' owner Stuart Sternberg. "To be honest I didn't think it would last this long. I mean, a baseball team in St. Petersburg. Ha."

Tropicana Field will not be demolished so it can be used to house future hurricane victims. All players and personnel of the Rays will be properly disposed of.

Microsoft goes ghetto ... bitch!

Yo, yo, yo. Wat up biznatches? Awww shit, have you seen dem new "I'm a PC" ads? Dopeville brah! And dem onez wit Seinfeld? So funny I nearly splattered my duds gettin my chuckle on. Shiiiit, call me a convert and baptize me wit sum Dell printer ink son!  

I'm not sure if I used the correct vernacular. I hope you can understand the point I was trying to make about Microsoft attempting to seem hip. I know my diction is poor, but I'm just starting to understand how the kids talk these days. The new Microsoft ads weren't actually what prompted this post. My buddy at work was doing a spell check when he came across this:

More like "Spelling and Grammar: Olde English." That's right. Microsoft word suggested he change "We're" to "We is." Damn microsoft, when did you get so cool all of a sudden? I guess they had to do something. Although this could just be their Asian programmers assuming he meant to say "We" as in "My Asian friend We, loves playing Wii." Easy mistake.

Going back to their "I'm a PC" ads, I don't appreciate the use of cute African children. Judging by the village surrounding the school, probably didn't have a choice as to what computers they were getting. Just like they didn't choose to wear a brand new "Patriots 19-0!" t-shirt on the first day of school.

Since you're probably not content with our content ...

So it's pretty obvious that we've been lacking in the new content department. Well that's about to change. Since it's tough to collaborate on articles all the time with jobs, fetishes and what not, we'll start posting regularly on our own. This isn't a competition, but I'm sure I'll win. 

We are going to devote most of our joint efforts to video so you should see more of that too. We currently have a couple projects in the works. So look forward to those.

But in the mean time in addition to posting articles and whatever else you'd call our existing content we'll post more "bloggish" type things.  For example:

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!! THE BILLS ARE 4-0!!!!

Now I won't get into it much, considering there's nothing funny about winning football games. Except of course Brett Farve giving a press conference in a Wrangler Tuxedo. 

I'll leave it at that for now as I don't have much time and there's a whole lot of season to play.  

Future News Volume 1

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A Message From The President

The Six Most Devastating Events in the History of Wisconsin

If you haven’t heard the news, professional liar  football player Brett Favre still has itch to throw some more interceptions and has decided to un-retire.  This story has been beaten to death and then some by the media. Still, there has been minimal coverage of who Favre-Gate is afflicting the most, the people of Wisconsin.  To Cheeseheads Packer Football is an organized religion and Brett Favre is the son of God/Vince Lombardi.  This situation is a huge blow to everything Wisconsinites hold near and dear to their hearts.  This inspired us to crack open the history books and compile a list of the most devastating events in Wisconsin history.

 

6. The City of Chicago is Founded.

 

This was a particularly devastating event in Wisconsin’s history.  Scholars agree that Chicago’s founding resulted in the infamous Migration of Hotties, in which all seven of Wisconsin’s attractive women moved south to the newly founded Windy City.  Chicago’s founding also resulted in the city of Milwaukee becoming obsolete save for Bulls and Cubs away games and the Summerfest music festival.

 

 

5.  Bambi is Released

 

Walt Disney’s Bambi was released and loved in 49 out of 50 states.  Although the opening scene where Bambi’s mother is killed by hunters tested well in Wisconsin markets, the rest of the movie (i.e. where Bambi is not killed) was received poorly.  This movie was the inspiration behind the creation of the wildly unsuccessful Wisconsin based Malt Whiskey Studios.  Malt Whiskey became well known for box office busts such as Bambi II: The Hunter Strikes Back, The Little Beermaid, and Gigli.  The movie studio’s failure effectively ended the state’s dream of becoming home to the next Hollywood.

 

 

4. Miller Lite’s Secret Ingredient Revealed

 

On April 12, 1968 Seamus MacArthur Cakes attended the 73rd Annual Thomas Edison Society of Inventors Keg & Hammer Party.  Legend has it, after waking up from a long night of drinking with a dry mouth, Seamus took a drink of what he believed to be beer.  Much to Seamus’ dismay the cup of beer was a pee cup left by a rowdy fellow inventor.  Disgusted by the taste Seamus quickly drank a Miller Lite and noticed a familiar flavor.  Seamus went on to use the secret ingredient to help invent and refine his self named Urinal Cakes.  The State of Wisconsin was devastated that their beloved beer’s secret was revealed and that the rest of the world now knew why Miller Lite tasted like piss.

 

 

3. McDonald Closes Rascal Friendly Drive Thru Windows

 

In a business move that shocked Wisconsinites, McDonald’s decided to close their drive thru windows specially designed to accommodate Rascal scooters.  The innovative windows were test marketed in Wisconsin due to their nation leading Racals Per Capita ratio. The windows were discontinued after ramps allowing people to “scooter” in to the restaurant were found to be more cost effective.  The President of Big-boned Users of Rascals for Getting Equal Rights (BURGER) stated, “This is a devastating day for Rascal users everywhere.  What’s next?  Them making me actually getting up and walking to get my extra value meals?”

 

2.   Exercise is introduced

 

May 16, 1932 is a day that will live in infamy in the State of Wisconsin.  The new fad of “exercising” was sweeping across the nation and slowly crept into the Dairy State.  Tensions mounted between the state’s traditional anti-activity faction and a small uprising of pro exercisers.  The standoff peaked at the deadly Kenosha Fun Run where  Anti-activity-ists assaulted participants of the event which promoted happy healthy hearts.  The attack left 56 dead, over 100 wounded, and effectively crushed the short lived exercise revolution.  Governor Jacoby Peabody signed a bill the next day outlawing exercise throughout the state.  The legislation stands to this day although was amended to exclude throwing a football in the parking lot of Lambeau Field.

 

1.  Supreme Court Overturns Wisconsin’s proposed Food Beer-a-mid

 

Still recognized as the most devastating event in the State’s 160 year history, the monumental Supreme Court ruling is a dark day for all Cheeseheads.  The tragic event began with Senator Herb Kohl’s proposal to replace the nationally used food pyramid which was despised across the state.  Senator Kohl developed the Food Beer-A-Mid, a revolutionary dietary tool for the state of Wisconsin.  The Beer-a-Mid centered on a large daily intake of the state’s delicacies such as beer, cheese, and sausage while placing less of an emphasis on traditional health foods (i.e. fruits and vegetables).  When school districts across the state adopted the new dietary plan, legal battles ensued over whether children should be allowed to intake beer as part of their daily nutrition.  The case made it to the Supreme Court where it was immediately ruled unconstitutional.

 

 

                                                            salad

                                                water          fruit

                                    cheese           beer                sausage