C.C. Sabathia returns to Brewers

In a surprising move, Cy Young Award finalist C.C. Sabathia has chosen to resign with the Milwaukee Brewers. Coming off an impressive season in which he willed the Brewers into the playoff, Sabathia was thought to be the most sought after and valuable free agent, but he's not going anywhere.

The perennial all-star signed a contract Sunday worth a reported 44 million cheeseburgers over the next 5 seasons.

"We're just on the same page here," said an ecstatic Sabathia.

Just days after receiving an offer from the Yankees reportedly worth $140 million, the pitcher chose to stay put. Immediately after the mammoth offer was reported, Milwaukee GM Doug Melvin said they had overbid for the ace.

"$140 million is a lot of money. He's a reasonable guy, you just have to know how to talk to him," said Melvin.

In addition to the base salary, the contract is full of incentives, including an extra years worth of sausage for a Cy Young Award.

Hormel Chili - Surprise Yourself

Tampa Bay Rays Contracted!

Fearing the lowest ratings in MLB post season history, Major League Baseball decided to contract the Tampa Bay Rays in the middle of the sixth inning last night. With the Rays leading 3-2 after the fifth, Major League executives decided enough was enough.

"They were playing good baseball. We had no other choice. We just couldn't risk it," reasoned MLB commissioner Bud Selig. "The possibility of a Rays-Brewers World Series is just too scary. From a business perspective it makes no sense at all."

After the White Sox were retired in the top of the sixth an announcement came on the JumboTron informing spectators to vacate the stadium immediately.

This comes as a sad end to a cinderella season for the Rays. After dropping the "Devil" from their team name, the Rays went on to win their first ever AL East pennant and earn the franchise's first ever playoff birth.

"It was a fun little experiment," added Rays' owner Stuart Sternberg. "To be honest I didn't think it would last this long. I mean, a baseball team in St. Petersburg. Ha."

Tropicana Field will not be demolished so it can be used to house future hurricane victims. All players and personnel of the Rays will be properly disposed of.

Microsoft goes ghetto ... bitch!

Yo, yo, yo. Wat up biznatches? Awww shit, have you seen dem new "I'm a PC" ads? Dopeville brah! And dem onez wit Seinfeld? So funny I nearly splattered my duds gettin my chuckle on. Shiiiit, call me a convert and baptize me wit sum Dell printer ink son!  

I'm not sure if I used the correct vernacular. I hope you can understand the point I was trying to make about Microsoft attempting to seem hip. I know my diction is poor, but I'm just starting to understand how the kids talk these days. The new Microsoft ads weren't actually what prompted this post. My buddy at work was doing a spell check when he came across this:

More like "Spelling and Grammar: Olde English." That's right. Microsoft word suggested he change "We're" to "We is." Damn microsoft, when did you get so cool all of a sudden? I guess they had to do something. Although this could just be their Asian programmers assuming he meant to say "We" as in "My Asian friend We, loves playing Wii." Easy mistake.

Going back to their "I'm a PC" ads, I don't appreciate the use of cute African children. Judging by the village surrounding the school, probably didn't have a choice as to what computers they were getting. Just like they didn't choose to wear a brand new "Patriots 19-0!" t-shirt on the first day of school.

Since you're probably not content with our content ...

So it's pretty obvious that we've been lacking in the new content department. Well that's about to change. Since it's tough to collaborate on articles all the time with jobs, fetishes and what not, we'll start posting regularly on our own. This isn't a competition, but I'm sure I'll win. 

We are going to devote most of our joint efforts to video so you should see more of that too. We currently have a couple projects in the works. So look forward to those.

But in the mean time in addition to posting articles and whatever else you'd call our existing content we'll post more "bloggish" type things.  For example:

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!! THE BILLS ARE 4-0!!!!

Now I won't get into it much, considering there's nothing funny about winning football games. Except of course Brett Farve giving a press conference in a Wrangler Tuxedo. 

I'll leave it at that for now as I don't have much time and there's a whole lot of season to play.  

Future News Volume 1

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A Message From The President