Terrible First Dates

I was asked to submit a "first date horror story" for Asylum.com. I can only assume I was chosen because of the huge national success of Roof Monkeys. This is a credit to our Roof Monkey street team and our obsessive posting. Anyway, check out my story and other horrible first dates. 

First Date Horror Stories

See if you can guess which one's mine. (Hint: It's the one written by me)

Letters to the new President Elect

We here at Roof Monkeys have been a short hiatus. But this wasn't any writers block or laziness, we have been on a mission. A covert mission to be precise. As I hope you're aware we have decided on a new President, Barack Obama. Naturally, when you become President of the World there are going to be some people asking for favors. Well, for your pleasure, at the risk of our lives, we've intercepted some of these "favor seeking" correspondence. Undercover as a mailbox and a sweet old lady, we were able to obtain some letters, that fortunately for Barack, will never reach him.



Dear Brother,

First of all, congratulations on becoming president. We have been rooting for you here in Kenya throughout the race. As Obama is a common name here, I thought it was merely a coincidence that I shared it with you. However, the other day a reporter from FOX News showed up at my hut and gave me some exciting news. Apparently, we are long lost brothers. He gave me documents and family photos that I never knew existed. I understand that we are worlds apart from each other. I currently live in a hut near the edge of a cliff. I wear banana peels as shoes and poop in a trash bag that doubles as my pillow. I do not want you to think that I am asking for a hand out, but life is tough here. My only job option is survival and it is very demanding. I am paid roughly $0.79 a day, but only if I agree not to use the pages in my bible as kindling so that I give my family clean water.

Long story short, get me the fuck out of here. Your nephew Fliface would really like to meet his cousins and use a toilet. I realize you have more pressing issues at hand, but I imagine some time must be devoted to humanitarian efforts throughout the world. Well, maybe I can help organize my community, just like you. But I would require an actual house. Please help a brother, your brother, out.

Sincerely,

Hun Grey Obama

P.S. I owe you a few noogies. Just kidding. Please help me.



My Friend,

I'd like to congratulate you on beating me out for President of the country we both love so much. You showed a lot of grit on the campaign trail and I salute you. It's not everyday that a black, junior senator, with no executive or military experience, is chosen to lead the most powerful country in the world. Congratulations my friend. As you know, I have lived my life with one purpose, serving the country I love. People have said that in recent times I've become a different man, less of a maverick, well that's just not true. I'm so maverick that I stopped being a maverick and conformed to the right. But had I won I would have erupted maverick all over everybody's face. However, I did not win and am now at a loss for what to do with all this built up maverick (I can't just release it on Cindy, it may kill her). I'm sure you're a little afraid of Speaker Pelosi, we all are. So I ask that you give me the opportunity to be Speaker of the House. Working so closely with my good friend Joe Biden, and returning to maverick status, we could do a lot to steer our country in the right direction.

And God forbid you and Joe Biden were to become ill, or worse, executed, America would need somebody who's ready to lead. What better person than somebody who built his campaign around experience and mudslinging. My friend, I just ask you to consider me for this position. I probably won't be around much longer (unless you make fetus research legal) and this might be my last chance to serve the country I love so much. Please take this to heart. Remember, I'm back to being a maverick. The republican party really screwed me over. Imagine having Sarah Palin speak on your behalf, I couldn't wait for it to be over. I'd rather say demeaning and embarrassing things about my country than sit through that torture. I hope to hear from you soon my friend.

Your Friend,

John McCain


Barack,

God Damn you and God damn America!!!!! Just kidding. But seriously, when can we start enslaving the crackers?

Always with you,

Jeremiah



President Elect Obama,

Wow, still can't believe I'm saying that. What a ride we've had! One second I'm telling people you weren't experienced enough to run a McDonald's drive thru, the next I'm whole heartedly convincing my minions to change their minds. It was a roller coaster no doubt. But, as you know we're on the same side (even Bill), and I can't wait to work with you. I do have some suggestions to help things move along and make the world a better place. Just a few recommendations, nothing to big. Sooooooo, when you get a chance just give me a call and we'll discuss it in my, i mean the oval office. Ta for now.

Hilldawg


P.S. I hope you weren't freaked out by the fake anthrax (Bill's idea). It's just pixie stix. Enjoy.

C.C. Sabathia returns to Brewers

In a surprising move, Cy Young Award finalist C.C. Sabathia has chosen to resign with the Milwaukee Brewers. Coming off an impressive season in which he willed the Brewers into the playoff, Sabathia was thought to be the most sought after and valuable free agent, but he's not going anywhere.

The perennial all-star signed a contract Sunday worth a reported 44 million cheeseburgers over the next 5 seasons.

"We're just on the same page here," said an ecstatic Sabathia.

Just days after receiving an offer from the Yankees reportedly worth $140 million, the pitcher chose to stay put. Immediately after the mammoth offer was reported, Milwaukee GM Doug Melvin said they had overbid for the ace.

"$140 million is a lot of money. He's a reasonable guy, you just have to know how to talk to him," said Melvin.

In addition to the base salary, the contract is full of incentives, including an extra years worth of sausage for a Cy Young Award.

Hormel Chili - Surprise Yourself

Tampa Bay Rays Contracted!

Fearing the lowest ratings in MLB post season history, Major League Baseball decided to contract the Tampa Bay Rays in the middle of the sixth inning last night. With the Rays leading 3-2 after the fifth, Major League executives decided enough was enough.

"They were playing good baseball. We had no other choice. We just couldn't risk it," reasoned MLB commissioner Bud Selig. "The possibility of a Rays-Brewers World Series is just too scary. From a business perspective it makes no sense at all."

After the White Sox were retired in the top of the sixth an announcement came on the JumboTron informing spectators to vacate the stadium immediately.

This comes as a sad end to a cinderella season for the Rays. After dropping the "Devil" from their team name, the Rays went on to win their first ever AL East pennant and earn the franchise's first ever playoff birth.

"It was a fun little experiment," added Rays' owner Stuart Sternberg. "To be honest I didn't think it would last this long. I mean, a baseball team in St. Petersburg. Ha."

Tropicana Field will not be demolished so it can be used to house future hurricane victims. All players and personnel of the Rays will be properly disposed of.

Microsoft goes ghetto ... bitch!

Yo, yo, yo. Wat up biznatches? Awww shit, have you seen dem new "I'm a PC" ads? Dopeville brah! And dem onez wit Seinfeld? So funny I nearly splattered my duds gettin my chuckle on. Shiiiit, call me a convert and baptize me wit sum Dell printer ink son!  

I'm not sure if I used the correct vernacular. I hope you can understand the point I was trying to make about Microsoft attempting to seem hip. I know my diction is poor, but I'm just starting to understand how the kids talk these days. The new Microsoft ads weren't actually what prompted this post. My buddy at work was doing a spell check when he came across this:

More like "Spelling and Grammar: Olde English." That's right. Microsoft word suggested he change "We're" to "We is." Damn microsoft, when did you get so cool all of a sudden? I guess they had to do something. Although this could just be their Asian programmers assuming he meant to say "We" as in "My Asian friend We, loves playing Wii." Easy mistake.

Going back to their "I'm a PC" ads, I don't appreciate the use of cute African children. Judging by the village surrounding the school, probably didn't have a choice as to what computers they were getting. Just like they didn't choose to wear a brand new "Patriots 19-0!" t-shirt on the first day of school.

Since you're probably not content with our content ...

So it's pretty obvious that we've been lacking in the new content department. Well that's about to change. Since it's tough to collaborate on articles all the time with jobs, fetishes and what not, we'll start posting regularly on our own. This isn't a competition, but I'm sure I'll win. 

We are going to devote most of our joint efforts to video so you should see more of that too. We currently have a couple projects in the works. So look forward to those.

But in the mean time in addition to posting articles and whatever else you'd call our existing content we'll post more "bloggish" type things.  For example:

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!! THE BILLS ARE 4-0!!!!

Now I won't get into it much, considering there's nothing funny about winning football games. Except of course Brett Farve giving a press conference in a Wrangler Tuxedo. 

I'll leave it at that for now as I don't have much time and there's a whole lot of season to play.